Surviving and Rising Beyond Trafficking with Jennisue Jessen

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (00:00)
Welcome to When Not Yet Becomes Right Now, the podcast where we dive deep into the moments of transformation, the times when not yet shifts into right now and everything changes. I'm your host, Jen Ginty and this podcast is all about those pivotal moments in our life journeys. You know the ones, when the hesitation fades, when we take that first step, even if it feels like a leap. It's in these moments that growth and healing begins. Each episode will explore stories of resilience,

moments of clarity, and the sparks that ignite real change. From personal experiences to expert insights, we'll uncover how people navigate the complex journey we call life and come out stronger on the other side. Whether you're searching for that spark in your own life or just curious about how change unfolds for others, you're in the right place. We'll discuss the ups and downs, the breakthroughs and setbacks, and how to embrace the right now, even when it feels out of reach. Because sometimes,

The hardest part of the journey is realizing that the moment you've been waiting for has already arrived. So take a deep breath, settle in, and let's get started.

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (01:10)
This episode contains discussions of child trafficking, sexual violence, and suicide. These topics may be distressing for some listeners. Please take care while listening, and if you need support, you can contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline in the US by calling or texting 988 or reach out to a trusted friend, counselor, or support organization in your area. Thank you.

Jen (01:38)
Hello and welcome to When Not Yet Becomes Right Now. Today I have an amazing guest on the show. Jennisue Jessen is a survivor, advocate and leader with over 25 years of personal and professional experience in the fight against human trafficking. Sold into the sex trade as a child, she's journeyed through the depths of trauma and emerged with a relentless passion for justice and healing. As the founder of Compass 31, Jennisue leads global efforts to combat

trafficking through prevention, survivor restoration, and leadership development. Her faith-fueled mission is transforming lives and challenging systems, and today she's here to share that mission with us. Welcome, Jennisue

JenniSue Jessen (02:21)
I'm so excited to spend some time with you and your audience today, Jen.

Jen (02:26)
Thank you so much for coming on the show. know this is going to be an amazing conversation.

JenniSue Jessen (02:30)
I'm really excited about it.

Jen (02:32)
Yes, yes, let's get into it. What is your origin story?

JenniSue Jessen (02:37)
Yeah, I'm happy to share my origin story. I will just give a little trigger warning in case people are listening in a car with their kids. You know, we're going to be talking about some violence and exploitation because that's my origin. So they might want to put headphones in or have permission to step away, but I'll try to keep it ⁓ digestible. My Once Upon a Time starts at the age of four.

Jen (03:01)
Thank you.

JenniSue Jessen (03:06)
in the Midwest in the buckle of the Bible belt. And I was growing up in a household that had alcoholism and the resulting chaos that goes with that. My dad was an alcoholic. My mom was addicted to my dad. And so really, I think their very best intention was to get me out of the way and out of the chaos. So when the house was particularly

disrupted, they would send me 3 hours away to my grandparents' house. And, and while I think they were initially making decisions based on their own self-preservation and, and what they thought was in my best interest, my grandfather was not a good guy. He was, he was a pretty wicked bad guy. And so at 4 years old, he took me to work one day. He worked at a train station. And all day long, I was being spoiled rotten.

I was this little blonde haired, green eyed girl bouncing around the train station in pigtails, being spoiled rotten by all the workers. I was the only kid on site. You know, there was candy, there was treats. There was one guy in particular that let me sit on his lap and help drive the train, move the train cars back and forth in the train yard. And I got to drive trains, I got to blow the whistle. And as a four year old, it was magical.

delightful. I didn't know what lay ahead. But when afternoon came, it was time to leave. And I left with my grandfather with no thought other than we would be going back home. But instead, we went to an open field where that man was waiting for me. And he gave my grandfather some money, and they shook hands. And then he came to take from me what he had paid for.

And in a matter of moments, my life turned upside down and inside out. I had no way to understand what was happening and no language to express what I was enduring. But after this unthinkable violence happened, my grandfather came and wrapped me in a blanket, put me in the backseat of the car to drive me home. And one of the things that people find really shocking about my grandfather

is he was a leader in his church. He was an elder. ⁓ besides his perverse love for little girls, he loved old gospel music. And so he put in a cassette tape playing, How Great Thou Art. And over the years of my exploitation, he would play that song on repeat, either during the violence or immediately after the violence, as a way of guaranteeing that I would be silent, that I would never find freedom.

and that I would certainly never find freedom in faith. ⁓

So the abuse continued by kindergarten. I was praying every night that God would just let me die. In first grade, my first grade teacher discovered that I was particularly uncomfortable and took me to the school nurse where they determined I had the first symptoms of a sexually transmitted infection. ⁓ Called my mom, took me to the doctor, got me the prescribed medicines, but no questions were ever asked or pursued.

⁓ Second grade, eight years old, I sat in a church on Sunday morning behind the man who paid to rape me the night before. Nine years old, encountered a particularly violent perpetrator who was unable to rise to the occasion. And so he took that anger out on me.

and ended up fracturing my neck in two places and my pelvis in three places. And in that event, my grandfather actually rushed in and fought him off and protected me. So in this twisted, strange way, he was my hero in that moment. He saved my life. He put me in the violent situation, but then he saved my life, which sets up this really ⁓ interesting and

common dynamic that survivors have. They bond with their perpetrator. The same person that causes the pain is the one that comes around and offers the comfort and the affirmation. For my grandfather was often ⁓ playing How Great Thou Art and then taking me to Baskin-Robbins for the deepest, darkest chocolate ice cream I could devour. ⁓

Jen (07:42)
Yes.

JenniSue Jessen (07:55)
The abuse continued. 15 had a particularly violent account. Until 17 in high school, I thought my only hope to escape would be to complete my own suicide. But I started my senior year with not an overabundance of courage, but tremendous willpower. So I decided I would just starve myself to death.

And I wasn't anorexic in a traditional sense. It wasn't like a body image issue. I wasn't trying to look like Sports Illustrated, swimsuit model or something. I literally was trying to disappear. So my senior year in high school, I started at 126 pounds and I'm 5'5", so that's a healthy, normal, average thin. But I would allow myself either one glass of chocolate milk,

or a grilled cheese sandwich every third day. And that's how I lived my senior year in high school until by April, I was down to 89 pounds. So it was working. I was slowly disappearing and my body, I had a lot of symptoms of that. My hair was falling out in handfuls. I was bruising really easily. I was passing out at school and passing out at work from lack of nutrition.

And, but in April, I came out of school one day, my senior year in school, and my grandfather was waiting for me again. And the unthinkable happened again. And after that, I went home early evening and thought, okay, it's taking too long. I need to end this tonight. And wrote a note to my parents. I'm sorry, don't open the bathroom door, call the sheriff, who was a friend of theirs.

and close the bathroom door. My plan was to slit my wrists. And in this moment of profound grief, I believe, I believe in God and science that God wires our brain, ⁓ to endure tremendous pain, but also to drop into freeze mode, to, to sink almost into a coma. When you're facing a life or death situation, the brain actually

releases all these chemicals that functionally anesthetize a person. So in that moment of grief, ⁓ for me, I believe Jesus stepped in. And the next thing I remember is I woke up the next morning, naked in the bathroom floor, the bathtub full to the tip, tip, tip, tip top, but hadn't overflowed, still holding the bloody knife in my fist. But I had not been successful. And I looked at the clock.

and it was time to get ready for school. And I'm 17 and traumatized and devastated and hopeless. And also school had always been my safe place. I loved school. I thrived at school. I was the teacher pet. I was straight A student, school book editor, yearbook editor, cheerleader.

on the homecoming court. I loved, loved school. So that morning I looked at the clock and thought, well, okay. I put the knife in my makeup bag, got ready for school, went to school that day. And that afternoon after school, I had an appointment at a clinic where I found out that I was pregnant. And as desperately as I wanted to die, really I was desperate to escape and thought that was my only way.

to escape. As desperate as I was for that, now I had this innocent baby to protect. And it was compounded by the fact that one of the violent events when I was 15 is my grandfather had found out I was pregnant and ⁓ performed a forced abortion in a slaughterhouse. And so now I was pregnant for a second time and I didn't want

to endure that kind of violence again. And as much as I wanted to die, I didn't want to face who I believed God was with the guilt of the death of an innocent baby on my conscience. So I thought I have to stay alive at least long enough to give birth. ⁓ The nurse at the clinic was desperate to adopt. She gave me her private phone number and I carried it with me actually.

until my child was six months old. But this perfect blue-eyed boy tore his way into my world. Christmas break, my freshman year in college. I had turned 18 by then. And ⁓ with that woken me this mama bear instinct. So there had been times as a child, a few, very few, but a few times that I had tried to run away or I had tried to fight back.

and was unsuccessful. I learned the consequences of that were so severe that my survival depended on my silence and my submission. But now I had an innocent baby to protect and, and I was bigger and I was stronger. And so I finally, my freshman year in college was able to tell a counselor just drip, drip, drip disclosure, just enough about what had happened that she was able to intervene.

into our situation and get my son and myself to safety and start breaking down these toxic, toxic situations. ⁓ And that's really where my healing journey began. And it's been a long and brutal and beautiful road, but my son now is 35 years old. And the day I found out I was pregnant with him was...

April 26th, 1990, and every year since then, he and I celebrate his day. ⁓ I've spoken to him and over him that he's a hero from conception, that I wouldn't be alive were it not for him. And his life has purpose and value and what a joy he is to me. So I threw away the number for the nurse at the clinic. I raised him.

eventually was married, have two other children. Actually, over the course of my childbearing years, I was pregnant 17 times. Three live children, that one being the first, and 14 losses because I have really extensive scar tissue throughout my pelvis. And so pregnancy is, is particularly difficult for me. But three live children and fourth grandbaby is coming in October.

Jen (14:51)
can only imagine.

Congratulations. You your story is just insurmountable. And I'd like to go back to the betrayal.

JenniSue Jessen (15:13)
Mm.

Jen (15:14)
I myself was also betrayed by my abuser, my father, and it's so heartbreaking to hear the story, even though I've lived a story not at your level, but I lived a life of abuse as a child. And the absolute betrayal of those who are supposed to protect and love us and care for us and do the exact opposite of what they did.

is just, I think, the worst possible betrayal that could ever happen to a child or a person.

JenniSue Jessen (15:44)
Yeah.

It really is because it's such a fundamental betrayal on every level. And, and I just want to acknowledge and say, I'm really, really sorry that we have this fellowship of, of betrayal and survival. I'm sorry that you went through that. No child should ever have to endure that. And, and to your listeners as well, whoever's listening that has experienced that kind of betrayal, I grieve with you because it is a betrayal on

Jen (16:05)
Yeah.

JenniSue Jessen (16:23)
every level, not only parent to child or caregiver to child, but that caregiver really is our first image or understanding of who God might be. They control our universe. They hold the power of life and death. They name us and we believe the names they give us. If they tell us we're beautiful, we believe it. If they tell us we're worthless, we believe it because they've named us. And so

Those betrayals go morrow deep and they're carved in our bones and it takes a lifetime to find freedom and recover not only who we are but our understanding of how we navigate relationships in the world and what we understand of God to be.

Jen (17:13)
And there is another betrayal as well, those who saw and did not protect.

JenniSue Jessen (17:19)
right?

And for me, that was actually a much harder betrayal to recover from. ⁓ For my mom, well, my grandma knew, knew, knew, knew, knew for sure knew. My mom could have, should have, would have known. ⁓ Like in kindergarten for Thanksgiving, we were supposed to draw a family picture. And I like star student, know, drew my family picture, drew all the members.

but my grandfather was two to three times the size. He almost filled the page as everybody else and he was naked and he had an erection. So my kindergarten teacher was particularly bothered by this image called my mom. My mom came to get me. She looked at the picture, took me home, tore up the picture, was mortified. We do not draw pictures like that. I got a spanking. I sent to my room with no dinner.

because we don't draw pictures like that. And that was the end, know, sexually transmitted infection in first grade. No discussion. I was in a catatonic state for several days when I was nine. She took me to a pediatrician. The pediatrician said, well, if she doesn't snap out of it in a week, we'll put her in the hospital. No discussion. After the abortion at 15, she found me in a crumpled bloody mess called the town doctor who came to the house.

who sedated me, gave me an IV, did his best to repair the damage. ⁓ This doctor clearly knew what he was repairing. And afterward, he and my mom put me on the birth control pill, but didn't tell me that that is the pill. I wasn't allowed to date yet. ⁓ She just popped him out, put him in a little pill bottle, said, will make your periods not so bad. ⁓ So she should have known.

Jen (19:05)
You know.

JenniSue Jessen (19:15)
clearly should have known. ⁓ And so that betrayal actually has been a much longer journey for me to understand ⁓ for whatever reason, shame, her own abuse, her own history, fear, not rock the boat, culture, keep the peace, whatever it was, that her comfort was of more value than my safety.

is a deep, deep betrayal.

Jen (19:45)
Yes, yes. you know, in my long, long journey to forgive my mother, I came to realize that she had her own trauma that she would never speak of, and that she was just so afraid that she left us with our abuser and went off to work as a way to, like you said, feel more comfortable.

JenniSue Jessen (19:56)
Mm-hmm.

Right. Right.

Jen (20:13)
So it's

really hard to see it.

JenniSue Jessen (20:16)
Yeah, there, there, was my mom's own survival mechanism to she had a history of trauma of sexual abuse. And in fact, when ⁓ my family all exploded over my disclosure, ⁓ she revealed my grandfather had raped her three times over the years, but she thought it was only her. That's, that's the story. And how many times did she try to speak out as a child or as a young adult when she was suffering her own violence and it, and it wasn't effective?

I don't know. don't know. My mom has passed now. And I'm not trying to excuse or justify those that are complicit in it. ⁓ It's something as a survivor you have to reckon with. You have to reconcile. And ultimately, what the why is doesn't erase the damage done. Like, I can understand maybe the drivers that kept her quiet.

or had her feeling, learned helplessness that she was powerless. And also, it doesn't dismiss the coulda, shoulda, woulda had I been safe.

Jen (21:24)
Absolutely. just the amount of abuse in all ways, it's just so traumatizing to, I don't know if you feel this way, when you do hear other people's stories, it can re-traumatize. And that's a reason to say again, take care of yourself in listening to this story, right?

JenniSue Jessen (21:49)
Great. Great.

Jen (21:51)
and but also a true testament of survival and using you know using what you needed in that time to take you out of harm's way choosing your son right is a beautiful beautiful moment

JenniSue Jessen (22:11)
Yeah, it really is. It was a key to not only my freedom, but my healing, watching this innocent tiny human grow, you know? And his blue eyes and his laugh and his ⁓ fierce independence and his foot stomping and, you know, a whole entire human born out of the darkest, darkest darkness. ⁓

became to me evidence and you know, I don't want to proselytize or preach to anybody, but for me, it became evidence of the love of God that in this deepest, darkest, most desolate place, even there, the love of God could go life, here, life, life. And ⁓ really that's a significant portion of my redemption story.

And ⁓ I've worked with several survivors that have experienced sexual violence and the same has been true for them. And it's not true for everybody, but certainly was my experience.

Jen (23:20)
When I had my sons, I went through an extraordinary anger because I had two older brothers and holding these beautiful souls and looking at them and believing how beautiful they are and remembering what happened to my brothers and how could someone who created that life be so cruel?

JenniSue Jessen (23:26)
Mm.

Mm.

Right. Yeah, it's hard to grasp. I remember when I first found out that the child I was carrying was a boy child, know, 17 still actually just turned 18 when I found out he was a boy. And I was angry at that point. I felt so betrayed. Like, how can my body grow a boy, a human that's going to grow up into a man because

At that point, I had no experience that men could be safe. I thought all men were dangerous because that was my experience. And so I felt so betrayed that my body could grow a boy and bring a boy into the world. ⁓ I grieved, I stomped, I was mad. And it took me a couple of weeks to finally settle into that. ⁓ Walking through the mall one day, I saw a little baby boy outfit that moved me and I bought it and

Jen (24:18)
Yeah.

JenniSue Jessen (24:44)
at that point, it kind of settled into my soul. Like, okay, I could raise a boy to be a good man. And ⁓ actually, my newest grandbaby is just three months old and he wore that outfit last week. It was so... Yeah, such a sweet, sweet. My first grandson was actually born on my first son's birthday.

Jen (24:50)
Yes.

⁓ that's precious. ⁓ and such a celebration.

JenniSue Jessen (25:11)
⁓ so redemption just coming full circle again and again. ⁓ but I understand that now even holding my new tiny grandbaby, he's like I said, he's three months old and, and when I take him in my arms and he nuzzles against my heartbeat, he just melts, know, like you can feel his whole body sigh, his little toes uncurl his everything relaxes as he falls asleep against my heartbeat. And I think, you know, once upon a time, my

Jen (25:14)
Mm-hmm.

JenniSue Jessen (25:41)
grandfather was that. My father was that. And, you know, there's the quote, if you stare into the abyss, the abyss will stare back into you. I don't know what happened and I'm not going to justify the violence done, but it makes me passionate about raising this next generation of boys to be mighty and fierce and know their identity and remember who they are and that they were

conceived in love, by love, for love, to make a difference in the world that there's good works prepared in advance for them to do, that they can be raised up to create a more just world.

Jen (26:23)
Yes, yes. And you know, I'd like to touch upon faith because I believe faith is so important for not only survival, but to get through those traumas that we lived now, working through, having faith that we can get past or that we are working on it and we are helping ourselves. And

JenniSue Jessen (26:28)
Mm.

Yeah.

Right.

Mm, yeah.

Jen (26:51)
You had mentioned that your grandfather was part of the religious community. And I remember being so angry going to church with my father because of the things that he did and that he would dare to go in front of God with us.

JenniSue Jessen (26:56)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm. Right.

Yeah, that was such a hard thing for me to reconcile as well, know, growing up and going to church with my grandparents and watching him shake hands, you know, with the man in front of us that abused me the night before with the pastor, the good old boys club, patting each other on the back, you know, that whole, and hearing about Jesus, but not understanding, like, what, what does this have to do with God?

And really for me, my faith began at the age of four. That first act of violence actually, when my grandfather wrapped me up and put me in the backseat of the car, is actually the first time I met Jesus. ⁓ Because in that moment, the sun was setting, the sky was on fire with color, how great thou art was playing on the radio, and as clear as I remember every other detail.

which I haven't recounted in bloody detail, ⁓ was Jesus sitting in the back seat of the car holding me on his lap. And he didn't mind the tears and he didn't mind the snot and he didn't mind the blood. He just held me with such tenderness and whispered, I've got you baby, I'm not gonna let you go. And he didn't. And really that was the beginning of my faith journey. And so in my recovery, at one point I was attending a church and

And again, I had this, I'll just be honest, I had a love hate relationship with church because I had been abused by men in the church. My grandfather was an elder in his church. When I went to church, I heard about this holy angry God who couldn't look on sin. And so how could he look at me? My whole life had been steeped in such profanity and violence. So I was desperate.

Jen (28:44)
Mm-hmm.

JenniSue Jessen (29:06)
for this Jesus that I encountered several times in my childhood. When I was praying in kindergarten, just let me die, I was interacting with a Jesus I knew, like who kept showing up for me in the dark. ⁓ But it was this very tense relationship, like Jacob wrestling. But I had a pastor at one point who invited the entire congregation to memorize the book of Ephesians.

And Ephesians isn't a really long book. It's only six chapters before anybody gets impressed. And I was the gold star student. Give me a challenge, I'm gonna do it. But I did not get very far before everything that turned upside down when I was four began to write itself. And that's because Ephesians 1, 4 says, for he chose us, that's God, for God chose us in him before the creation of the world.

to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love, He predestined us to be adopted as His own. And it was like the world stopped spinning on its axis. Everything came to a screeching halt. And I thought, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. He chose me before the creation of the world, before He switched on the lights, before He separated land from sea, the eternal one, who I believe is love, divine love.

the eternal God, looked throughout time and said that one, Jennisue, she's mine and she's holy and she's blameless. And he did that knowing, seeing what would happen when I was four and five and 15. And in college, my gosh, Jen, I was a rascal. I was so angry. I was running from God. I hated men. I was, if you met me then I was not easy to love. And still.

God kept pursuing me, kept pursuing me, kept pursuing me. That Jesus that I encountered in the violence wasn't afraid of the dark, didn't ever turn away from sin, bore it in his own body, and kept ⁓ a portion of my heart and my mind and my soul whole, untouched. Was innocence lost? Was my body shattered? I still bear physical, emotional scars. I still sometimes sleep with the lights on. But...

He kept this core, this what I would say, us being made in the image of God, this core, holy peace that was stamped with God's image, unshakable, unshatterable, holy, blameless. And that really, really was the faith, ⁓ the pivot point of my faith that moved me more towards wholeness. Again, healing's a journey. It's a lifelong journey, but.

Jen (31:43)
Yeah.

Yes, it

is. Absolutely.

JenniSue Jessen (31:57)
but it was ⁓

a significant pivot point.

Jen (32:00)
Yeah, I just recently interviewed a guest who was talking about the divine. And I asked, what can you define the divine for me and for my listeners? And he said, the divine is a light that comes to you in whatever way you need them to come, like Jesus, like, you know, your belief, you know, and that that is love coming to you.

JenniSue Jessen (32:08)
Mm.

Mm. Right.

Right.

Right.

Jen (32:28)
And it truly, it felt so good to hear. It felt like something was lifted from me because we all have our different ideas of religion, our faiths, and to believe that they're all a light that comes to us when we need them and who we need in that moment, right? I think that's beautiful.

JenniSue Jessen (32:35)
Hmm.

Right.

Mm. Right. Right. Right. Yeah.

I do too. My husband and I just recently watched the movie The Shack. And I mean, it came out like years and years ago. But the God is presented as three primary characters. And the father God, Papa God in the movie is played by ⁓ an African-American woman named Papa.

and Holy Spirit is played by an Asian woman and Jesus is played by a Middle Eastern carpenter. And it was just a really beautiful way for my husband and I, who ⁓ consider ourselves Christ followers, to experience images of God. That's one of the things that Papa says to the main character is, I didn't think that showing up as a father would be helpful right now.

You needed a picture of God that you could relate to that felt safe. And I think that there's something really beautiful in that.

Jen (33:47)
Yes.

I do too. I think it's beautiful to see the different interpretations and to understand that they are all that light. It's a beautiful thing when religions and faiths can come together in that sense. So tell me about Compass 31. How did this come about?

JenniSue Jessen (33:56)
Mm-hmm.

Mm, yeah.

Right.

Yeah, Compass 31, we were founded in 2011. So we're 14 years old in June. We're an international counter-trafficking organization. We began in Thailand. I was living in Thailand at the time in 2011. And my husband and I, couldn't go on a date on Friday night without encountering little kids being exploited. It was everywhere you look. And

I want to just like cut off any misconceptions at the head. It's really easy to think trafficking is only out there somewhere far off. And that's not true. It's happening with a high degree of prevalence here in the US in every state in the nation, in every city in the nation. But where I was living in Southeast Asia, it's not a secret. Like here in the US, we will at least on the surface condemn

Like trafficking is a bad thing. You should not pay for sex with a child. That's a bad thing. But where I was living in Asia, ⁓ it's just an accepted thing. It's not hidden. A parent owns the child. There are a whole lot of cultural economic factors. ⁓ The prevalence of sexual abuse. There's a whole lot of factors, but it's not hidden from anybody. It's just out in plain sight. So it's not that it happens more there.

It's just that it's not hidden there. And ⁓ we saw it every Friday night and I couldn't not do something about it. And so for most of my life, my story was kind of locked up tight. I didn't want to walk around like a perpetual victim. I didn't want people to see this scarlet letter on my chest identifying me as... ⁓

Well, my grandfather either called me his prized possession or a whore. And so while I believed he was the guilty one, know, lots of therapy, I believed, okay, he's the bad guy. That's not my shame to carry. I would still say, but I am what he made me. Right? So even my husband had just such a surface level cartoony version of

You know, his idea or understanding of what happened was more, I don't know, he couldn't imagine the violence that a man could do to a child. And so he didn't. And we didn't talk about it. It was his preference, like, we're married now, we forget the past, let's go on and pretend it didn't happen. And I tried my best to be the happy housewife. But when we came to Thailand and

It was in my face all the time. It was so prevalent. I really wrestled with this idea of going back into the dark and interacting with these kids and loving them toward freedom. And I felt like God was calling me to do that. And initially I was mad about it. Like, how dare you? You rescued me from the dark. Why would you ask me to go back? And I wrestled with sharing my story or not.

And especially in that culture, it's an honor shame culture. And so to be identified as having gone through this would automatically mark me as somebody with bad karma. It happened because I deserved it. It happened because I was a woman, blah, blah. And I really wrestled with it. And what it came down to, Jen, was I could have, I could have left my story locked in a box and nobody ever known the details.

and lived my life clean and turned a blind eye to what I saw happening in the world around me. I could have, and I had, I believe I have permission, I have autonomy, I could have made that choice. But if I made that choice, then what was it worth?

But if I was willing to open up the box and open up my chest and let my story pour out and let it be used as an avenue to usher others towards love others, towards freedom, ⁓ then it would have purpose. Then the good could outweigh the bad. And so in the 14 years that we've been in operation,

I'm the founder and CEO. ⁓ We've had the opportunity to do prevention across 43 nations. We have restoration work with survivors in five nations. ⁓ Our Leadership Development Program actually walks with our program participants to the highest level of education they desire. ⁓ Right now, our youngest kids in our program are 4 years old. But we've had one graduate law school and pass her bar exam.

We have four now that have gotten master's degrees in social work and now are re-engaging in their communities and facilitating safety and protection for other vulnerable people. We have one that has started her own nonprofit to support women experiencing domestic violence. And so I've had a front row seat to watch redemption unfold, to see God impact more than 250,000

40,000 individuals across 43 nations now. And what an honor and a privilege. Like I said, I could have kept it locked up. I could have lived clean. Instead, I decided to jump in and not just get my hands dirty, swim in it. And it's crushingly beautiful. And I get to watch, you

Jen (39:46)
Wow.

JenniSue Jessen (40:07)
I do, I hear the hardest, the hardest of the hard stories, ⁓ day in, day out, because I'm serving clients. I'm personally mentoring 18 individuals who are somewhere on their journey towards freedom, some still in captivity, some out for a few years. ⁓ So I am immersed in their stories that often trigger my own. And also, I get to watch

the capacity of the human spirit to rise, to rise to the highest capacity and to be world changers. And there's nothing like it. It's the most crushingly beautiful job in the world. I get to rub shoulders with the most fierce, resilient people on the planet. And ⁓ I can't imagine doing anything else.

Jen (40:58)
incredible. You're doing such, you are doing the good work for those that you understand best, right? It was, it was hard to start telling my story. I don't know how, if it was, was difficult for you, but I realized that it was going to be a part of my healing journey. I needed to say the words. I needed to help others feel less alone in order for myself to heal.

JenniSue Jessen (41:07)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Absolutely.

Mm-hmm.

Jen (41:26)
And a lot of people say, well, what do you do for yourself? feel like that's kind of my love language, to be able to give. If my story is going to help others to feel less alone and maybe even be able to stand up, that's the purpose that I have.

JenniSue Jessen (41:31)
Mmm.

Yeah, absolutely. And it is a hard thing to be vulnerable like that. And I respect your courage to step into that space. Not everybody can. And it's okay with me. Like I said, I could have not, and it would have been okay. I don't have any judgment for myself had I not. And also it was...

wildly vulnerable and also rewarding. And for me, the reward is when somebody catches a glimpse of maybe there's more. Yes, this violence is all I've ever known, but maybe, possibly, there's a light. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. There's hope. There's a future. All of this could be used to lead somebody else towards freedom. ⁓

And that is deeply rewarding.

Jen (42:50)
And I'm sure that you've had this conversation many, many, times, but what would you say to a girl or a woman who is in a similar situation after having been through that?

JenniSue Jessen (43:09)
Yeah, I don't have any advice. What I have is companionship, is, ⁓ you know, whatever her circumstances are. I don't believe that trauma defines us. I believe it equips us. And she has lived through and maybe currently is living through some of the most horrific things that, that people ever suffer. And instead of proving that it's broken,

Jen (43:13)
Right.

JenniSue Jessen (43:38)
it's proving how incredibly strong she is. Because many people in the world can't even tolerate hearing these stories. Like, oh no, no, no, no. I have people approach me all the time that want to volunteer in Compass 31, but they don't want to read a book, they don't want to listen to a podcast. They're like, but I don't want to hear the stories. And I'm like,

Jen (43:57)
and

JenniSue Jessen (44:01)
if you can't hear the story, you know, and that's true of a lot of people. We don't know what to do with our own pain. So when somebody shares something painful, we're like,

Jen (44:11)
huh.

JenniSue Jessen (44:13)
⁓ And so to those that are experiencing it, I would say the fact that you are still alive, that you're still breathing, whatever you're doing to still be breathing, good job. You win. And that is proof of how strong and fierce and resilient you are. And because of that evidence that you're presenting us with, the fact that you're still breathing is enough evidence for me to say,

Jen (44:26)
Mm-hmm.

JenniSue Jessen (44:41)
You have tremendous purpose. You were created for good works. You were created in love. Whatever story you've been told about your conception, you were a miracle, a flash of light at conception, reflecting a God of light to bring light into the world. And so if all you can do today is keep breathing, good job. You're doing it. And know that there is a hope and a purpose and that

you are not defined by what has happened, but you were equipped in the most brutal way to transform the world. So let's get on with changing the world.

Jen (45:22)
Yes, yes. And I'm glad that you said it is not so much advice, but companionship. It's telling them, I'm here for you. You are an amazing light in this world. And you keep glowing, right?

JenniSue Jessen (45:28)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Right? Yeah, I think so much of what trauma does is it blinds us to knowing who we really are. And ⁓ we come to believe the lies that we're told about our brokenness, about what's happened to us, about the shame that we're carrying that is not our shame, right? It's buckets of shame heaped onto us that belongs to the perpetrator. And ⁓ so in healing, we start to

Jen (46:01)
That's right.

JenniSue Jessen (46:07)
remember, recover the identity that I believe that we're each made in the image of God and we each reflect ⁓ that light and that glory and that love into a world with purpose.

Jen (46:22)
Yes. And that again, that this healing is not, you know, a quick fix. It's a lifelong journey. When people ask me, where are you at in your healing journey? I say in the middle. And in 10 years, I'll probably say in the middle. Right?

JenniSue Jessen (46:30)
Right. Right.

Right? Yeah.

Me too. I am in the middle and also I'm living happily ever after. ⁓ Because I know, like even when I get triggered, you know, a smell in a grocery store, a guy walks by with my grandfather's cologne and immediately my body is in fight or flight. Used to I would think this trigger is bad. I've got to figure out how to manage it, how to suppress it, how to avoid it. And now

I feel all the feels and I think I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Like my whole body is designed to keep me alive. And it did it. I won. I'm still here. And that isn't, you know, that trigger response isn't again, evidence of brokenness. It's evidence that my body works exactly like it was supposed to. And it kept me alive and I win. And so I can feel the trigger.

and thank God for it and thank my body for it and roll on through my day. ⁓ So it's not that I don't have nightmares. It's not that I'm not sometimes a touch me not with my husband. It's not that I don't still have some medical issues because of damage done, but at the same time, I get to have a front row seat to watching freedom unfold and live with purpose and joy. And so I'm in the middle.

and I'm also living happily ever after.

Jen (48:05)
That is a wonderful way to say it, absolutely. With the healing comes the ability to live your best life and continue to live your best life as you're helping yourself.

JenniSue Jessen (48:21)
Right. And in the midst of, it's a crappy day. I didn't sleep last night. know, like I'm a cat on a hot tin roof today. Like even in the midst of that to know that, ⁓ it's a passing storm and it's my body's remembering and I can honor and hold that with tenderness and still move forward.

Jen (48:26)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

So you mentioned volunteering for Compass 31. How could someone who is ready to do that, who is ready in their own journeys, how would you tell them to go about getting in touch?

JenniSue Jessen (48:48)
Mm-hmm.

Right?

Yeah, they can find me online. We have a website, Compass31.org. ⁓ So C-O-M-P-A-S-S-3-1.org. And then we're on social media, Instagram, Facebook, Compass31. Slide into my DMs. You can contact me from the website. Send me a note. I would love to have a virtual cup of coffee and be a companion in your journey. And depending on where you are and what your interests are, you know, maybe you could

volunteer with Compass 31 if that was suitable. But I'm friends with a lot of survivor-led organizations. And so I'm confident we could find a place that your healing could move forward as you facilitate healing in others.

Jen (49:44)
Yes, yes. ⁓ my goodness, Jennisue, again, you are this bright light in this world that keeps shining. I see you and I feel your power coming from you. And I truly appreciate that you're here to share your story and to share your triumph.

JenniSue Jessen (49:55)
Mmm.

I am so glad to share some time with you, Jen. It's really an honor. know, every time sharing your story, like you said, and I responded earlier, it's hard in the beginning. It's vulnerable. And a lot of times it feels like the rest of the day I'm walking around with no skin on. You know, I used to have what I call a vulnerability hangover. You know, I said too much. What are people going to think? And now every time I get to recount the goodness of God.

and what I've come from and where I get to sit now. ⁓ I end these conversations inspired, encouraged to keep on keeping on. And, you know, I learned my survival as a child depended on silence and submission. And when somebody like you is willing to open up and share your platform, you give me a voice and you add another layer to my healing. And so for that, I'm deeply, deeply grateful.

Jen (51:01)
I am so grateful to have met you and have been able to speak with you on this. I know that my listeners are just probably in love with you at this point. Hello, hello.

JenniSue Jessen (51:15)
I don't know about that. I can be a little prickly. I'm a love hate kind of girl.

Either they're going to love me or they're going to hate me. But ⁓ I've really enjoyed time with you. And I would love to get to know anybody that wants to reach out with me. Let's have a chat.

Jen (51:29)
Yes,

yes, wonderful. Well, thank you again.

JenniSue Jessen (51:33)
Absolutely. You have a great day, Jen.

Jen (51:35)
You too.

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (51:39)
Thank you for joining us for this episode of the podcast. This show is produced by Phoenix Freed LLC and I'm your producer, Jen Ginty. We hope you found today's conversation inspiring. Thank you for joining us for this episode of the podcast. This show is produced by Phoenix Freed LLC and I'm your producer, Jen Ginty. We hope you found today's conversation insightful and inspiring. If you have a story of your own about when a not yet moment came right now,

We encourage you to reach out and share it. You can find more information about being a guest on our show at whennotyetbecomesrightnow.com. Remember, you are not alone on your journey, whether it's a journey of healing, growth, or transformation. Every story matters. Thank you for listening, and we'll catch you next time with another inspiring episode.