The Mended Mama Method with Emily Cleghorn

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (00:00)
Welcome to When Not Yet Becomes Right Now, the podcast where we dive deep into the moments of transformation, the times when not yet shifts into right now and everything changes. I'm your host, Jen Ginty and this podcast is all about those pivotal moments in our life journeys. You know the ones, when the hesitation fades, when we take that first step, even if it feels like a leap. It's in these moments that growth and healing begins. Each episode will explore stories of resilience,

moments of clarity, and the sparks that ignite real change. From personal experiences to expert insights, we'll uncover how people navigate the complex journey we call life and come out stronger on the other side. Whether you're searching for that spark in your own life or just curious about how change unfolds for others, you're in the right place. We'll discuss the ups and downs, the breakthroughs and setbacks, and how to embrace the right now, even when it feels out of reach. Because sometimes,

The hardest part of the journey is realizing that the moment you've been waiting for has already arrived. So take a deep breath, settle in, and let's get started.

Jen (01:09)
Hello and welcome to When Not Yet Becomes Right Now. I'm your host Jen Ginty. And today we have a fabulous guest on. Emily Clegghorn is an award-winning holistic trigger recovery coach, bestselling author, podcaster, and sought after speaker on a mission to help trauma surviving mamas heal while parenting. Through her signature mended mama method, Emily empowers moms to navigate triggers and tantrums with confidence, breaking free from

reactive patterns and creating a peaceful connected home. Driven by her passion for creating positive generational change, Emily shares her powerful story of overcoming the grip of childhood trauma to inspire others that healing is possible, even in the chaos of motherhood. Her work has touched countless lives, giving mamas the tools and hope to reclaim their peace and raise emotionally healthy kids. Hello, Emily, welcome to the show.

Emily Cleghorn (02:07)
Hello, Jen. It's nice to be here. Thank you.

Jen (02:10)
Thank you so much for being on. I'm excited for our conversation, because I know we spoke before and we have a lot that we have in common. And yeah, I can't wait for others to hear our conversation, because I know it's going to be a good one. So let's get into it. What is your origin story?

Emily Cleghorn (02:17)
Yeah.

yeah.

My how far back do I go the very beginning? I'll go I'll go to the very beginning because that's where that's where it's really starts, right? ⁓ So I was I was raised primarily by my paternal grandparents my biological mom dropped me off when I was six or seven months old and said no more for me and ⁓ So I was raised by them ⁓ until I was

Jen (02:38)
Yeah.

Emily Cleghorn (03:01)
Around the age of six, at that point, I was really close with my dad. I was daddy's little girl. And my dad had gotten married to my stepmom who had a child of her own. And so I wanted to go live with my daddy because my dad and I were really close. Well, it didn't take very long before it was made abundantly clear that that was not the right choice.

I lived with my dad, my stepmom and my stepbrother for about 18 months, during which time I was abused in all of the ways. All of the ways. ⁓ I would go away on weekends because I wasn't allowed to stay home. And I would rotate towards ⁓ amongst different family members' homes. And you could tell that I wasn't getting the proper amount of nourishment because

My eyes were sunken into my head. You could see, like I was bony, very, very pale. ⁓ My stepmom made me cut off all my hair into a mushroom cut. ⁓ And I was ridiculed at school, bullied at school because I had glasses and I was skinny and all of these different things. And I was having a hard time learning because I was so stressed out.

A stressed out kid can't learn. ⁓

It took about 18 months of that kind of living situation before something clicked inside of my seven-year-old body. I was six when I moved in, seven when I left. It was a snowy night in November. I was at my biological mom's house and she told me to go pack up my things and they would take me home.

And I decided standing there in her dining room, walking through the kitchen into my half sister's bedroom that I was not going home. I was not going home and I didn't know where I was going, but I was not going home because they hurt me. And so it was a snowy night in November. I live on the East coast of Canada. It's cold and snowy. ⁓

Winters in the 90s were much different than winters now. And my mom lived a ruraly, so there was really nowhere for me to go. So I went in my sister's room and she had a big wooden desk, ⁓ those big wooden desks that were popular in the 90s. And I was scrawny enough that I could fit into the chair hole and put my bag in front of me.

and I sat there and I was the world class hide and seek player. People came in, M, M, where are you? And I didn't answer because I was not going home and I knew that if they found me, I would have to go home. So I zipped my lip. All of the survival skills that I had learned the 18 months prior to that went into high, came in handy quite a lot.

And so eventually my mom noticed my bag in the chair hole, moved it and found little Scronnie Emily sitting there. What are you doing, ⁓ I'm not going home. She's like, ⁓ well, what am I supposed to do? That's your job to figure out. You're the adult. ⁓ And so she got on the phone and that night I went back to live with my grandparents and life went back to normal.

There was no... I mean, it was the mid-90s. There was no ⁓ therapy. There was no talking about your feelings.

As much as they loved me and took care of me, my grandparents were boomers and they didn't know how to talk about their feelings. ⁓ So life went on as normal, quote unquote normal, only I wasn't a normal kid anymore because I had lived through hell and didn't have the tools to navigate all of the things that I was navigating.

And so ⁓ I think I was nine years old the first time I went up to my grandmother and said, you know, Nan, I don't want to be alive anymore. And she looked at me and gave me her boomer answer. We don't talk that way. so child Emily said, OK, we don't talk that way, so we have to stuff it down. And I became an emotion stuffer.

We don't talk about it, we stuff it. We avoid it, we don't feel it, yada, yada, yada. And so through my preteen, teen, and early 20s, I didn't feel. I didn't talk. And it led to a whole lot of health issues, a whole lot of anxiety, a whole lot of depression, a whole lot of...

⁓ living with a black cloud over my head it felt like

Jen (08:48)
I'm right there with you, right there with you from the very beginning. I myself was, you I had suicidal ideation when I was young. I mean, all the way up through adulthood to this day, I still do. But my mother was a boomer. I'm much older than you. And so my mom was a boomer. And for her, was definitely, it's better to look good than to feel good. Like put up that facade.

Emily Cleghorn (09:13)
Mm-hmm.

Jen (09:14)
Don't let people see that

Emily Cleghorn (09:14)
Yep, perform.

Jen (09:16)
you're hurting. Yep, absolutely. And definitely don't talk about your feelings.

Emily Cleghorn (09:21)
Yeah, yeah. So it wasn't until I became a mama when I became

very aware very quickly of how much healing work I needed to do ⁓ because when my daughter was born I can remember sitting on our sofa looking down at her as she slept in her baby swing thinking ⁓ my goodness I've got to get out of here I can't do this this is dangerous but I can't hurt her I can't do that to her

Because if I do that to her, she's going to feel the way I've felt for my entire life and I can't do that. I can't live with myself if that happens. And so I knew I had a choice. I could listen to that instinctual run for the hills because this is dangerous, even though I didn't completely understand why it took me a long time to...

gained that awareness. ⁓ But I knew that I didn't want her to feel the way that I felt. And so I chose to stay and face the unknown and figure it out. And that was nearly seven years ago. And over the last seven years, I have been on a journey of healing.

Jen (10:42)
Yes. ⁓

Emily Cleghorn (11:01)
learning how to ⁓ identify my feelings because that was, that's a new skill. And...

understand how my trauma has been stored in my body. That's an ongoing journey. ⁓ And learning how to calm my nervous system. Because when you have kids, all the coping skills that you used before don't really work anymore. And so, and so you're left.

Jen (11:41)
No, not at all.

Emily Cleghorn (11:45)
to figure out a new way. And so my new way has been ⁓ through building my trigger toolkit and ⁓ navigating learning, understanding. I research a lot so that I can understand things on a deeper level. That could be a neurodiverse trait, but it's an Emily trait anyway. And...

So I research and I learn as much as I can about the thing so that I can help myself to heal. And you know, it wasn't until the spring of 2023 that I was actually formally diagnosed with complex PTSD. And that diagnosis was...

infuriating because it had taken over 30 years to get the diagnosis.

Jen (12:52)
Well, it's incredible that complex PTSD is not in the DSM. And it's not recognized in that way because complex PTSD is different from PTSD. It's neurodivergence. is that our neurons changed, our body chemistry changed, and now we have totally different level.

Emily Cleghorn (12:58)
Yeah.

It is.

Jen (13:18)
of ⁓ living than someone who does not live with complex PTSD that has the neurotypical quote, know, lifestyle. And people still to this day don't believe that PTSD is anything more than a veteran diagnosis, right? They don't see it. Yeah, it is from childhood trauma. There's, know, complex PTSD comes from homelessness.

Emily Cleghorn (13:35)
Yeah, it's, it so is.

Jen (13:46)
You know, there's so many different things that can create complex PTSD, but many people just don't realize that it changes the person's neurons. It changes the pathways. It changes our body chemistry. Yes, yes.

Emily Cleghorn (13:58)
It changes how you function. It changes your

body on a chemical level.

Jen (14:05)
Yes. So it's, and I don't think Complex PTSD really had that name until the last decade.

Emily Cleghorn (14:07)
For life, forever.

Yeah, yeah. So, but the naming of that black cloud as I referred to it before.

was the naming of the dragon and it allowed me to take my power back.

which is huge.

Jen (14:42)
was just talking to, I was just interviewing someone earlier today and we did talk about labels. Sometimes labels can be really difficult and really hard to get through, but some labels are necessary for us to be able to get the help we need.

Emily Cleghorn (14:50)
Yeah.

Absolutely, but you know once once I received that diagnosis. I was able to go and research my researching and understand how it changed my brain and Then look at my accomplishments and say you know what? My brain is not functioning as a neurotypical person's brain would function and I still

Did all of this other stuff? You know what?

I'm a bad ass.

Jen (15:36)
Mm-hmm, yes you are. Yes. And it's a great way to look at it instead of looking at it as, I always tell people I live with complex PTSD and depression, not that I suffer from it. Because I won't allow it to make me suffer.

Emily Cleghorn (15:46)
Yeah, it doesn't. No, no,

no, it doesn't run the show for me.

Jen (15:56)
Yeah. And so you had your first child, a daughter, and this is when it snapped for you. This is when you realized, my God, I have a journey I need to go on. And I have to tell you how proud I am of you. I know we've only met like once before, but how proud I am that you chose that time and was brave to not only be a mother for a first time,

Emily Cleghorn (16:02)
Mm-hmm.

Jen (16:25)
but also to heal yourself, to work on that healing journey. I tell people I'm on a healing journey that doesn't probably ever end. I'm in the middle of it and I'll be in the middle of it till the end. But you chose in the time that I ran and head for the hills away from my trauma, you chose to look at it straight on. And I wish I did when I had my first child as well, because I had all the feels.

Emily Cleghorn (16:34)
Yeah.

Jen (16:52)
I even had this intense anger because I had two older brothers. I had so much anger against my abuser because I'm looking at this baby boy and I'm like, how could he have done something like that to my brothers? They were just babies. They were just young. How could you do that? So I highly commend you for that. And I'd love to hear how that journey, that path started.

Emily Cleghorn (16:52)
Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I started, I, well, for the first couple of months, I, I truly suffered in silence. Now, my husband would say it wasn't silent, but I would not tell a soul what was actually going on. And he would ask me, be like, what's going on? Because I would drop, cry at the drop of a hat. ⁓ Because I, I,

I hated being a mother, but I loved my baby so much, more than life. ⁓ And I was fighting that internal battle of stay or go, stay or go, stay or go. And my trauma told me that if I told someone what I was dealing with,

what the internal battle was, then they would put the judgment on me that I was a terrible person and that I was a terrible mother. And that was hard. And so I zipped my lip for a long time and it was a Saturday, probably early.

late October, early November when we were driving home from getting groceries and I was looking out the window crying and my husband's like, what is going on with you? You got kind of fed up with me because it had been months, weeks of me dealing with doing this and him dealing with my very emotional self. And I, I just came clean. I was like, this is what's going on. And he's like, okay.

How do we fix it?

There was none of the judgment that my trauma had told me was going to happen. There was none of that. And instead he was very much, how do I help you? How do we fix this? How do we get through this? And so that journey started with me meeting virtually. think, yeah, Zoom was on the show.

on the scene back then. I met virtually with a therapist over Zoom and she was able to help me discern where the boundaries were. So where I started, where I stopped, where my daughter started and where my biological mom stopped. Because in my brain, I believed that I was doomed to repeat what my mom had done.

and that wasn't okay with me. But when I was able to discern those boundaries, then I could understand that my mom did what she did, but I have the ability to choose my own path. And that is powerful.

Jen (20:24)
now.

That is, that's powerful.

Emily Cleghorn (20:46)
⁓ And my daughter was not doomed to the childhood that I had, which was also enlightening. Took a lot of weight off.

Jen (20:56)
Yes.

Yes. I fought tooth and nail to make sure that my children's lives were vastly, vastly different from my own. When I was young, I was never told that I was loved. And to this day, they're 21 and 18. I tell them every day that I love you and stay safe. always give them hugs. And those were things that I never received as a child. And I wanted that to end.

with me.

So when did you start working on the Mend It Mama method?

Emily Cleghorn (21:36)
The Mended Momma Method came about after my PTSD diagnosis in 2023 because at that point I had gone along my journey enough that I could understand, okay, there are these four distinct phases that I went through to get to where I'm going.

And so the mended mama method is made up of four pillars. The first is your trigger toolkit and being aware of your triggers and understanding how they show up for you because triggers are so individual. Your body reacts to them differently. ⁓ And for a lot of us as trauma survivors, we've numbed out.

because that's what's ⁓ And so that puzzle piece, so to speak, ⁓ is all about beginning the process of reconnecting with yourself and understanding how you function and how your emotions show up for you and what they feel like because...

un-numbing yourself, ⁓ which I'm not quite sure is an actual word, but it is a process. ⁓ It takes time and it can feel scary at first. And so it's a gradual process that you need to work through. And as you build your awareness muscle, because it is a muscle, ⁓ it doesn't happen overnight.

Jen (23:13)
Mm-hmm.

Emily Cleghorn (23:34)
you can move into reclaiming your calm. For me,

I was performing calm, but I wasn't actually calm for a very long time. And my nervous system was always sort of low level buzzing with the other shoe syndrome.

waiting for the other shoe to drop. And when you're able to quiet the buzzing and really truly calm, that is a foreign feeling if you've never felt it before. ⁓ And it can be unsettling because your nervous system is so used to that buzzing that it gets alerted when the buzzing stops.

What's going on? Are we in danger? Are we dead? Like what's going on? And so reclaiming your com is using the tools that you begin to collect when you're building out your trigger toolkit.

⁓ and those become your default over practice because you're, it's not about not ever getting triggered again. It's about learning new tools to use when it does happen. And when you're able to acknowledge the root of a trigger, which takes time, then you can work through it. And it's.

Jen (25:09)
Yes.

Emily Cleghorn (25:18)
becomes not a trigger anymore or not as severe of a trigger anymore. And it allows you to move from reactive parenting into responsive parenting. you know, when the beginning of my journey, my parenting journey, if I can get my words out here, ⁓ the beginning of my parenting journey,

was very much focused on calming my nervous system and less focused on co-regulating with my kids because that's what they need. But if my window of tolerance is a peephole and I can't regulate myself, then I sure as heck cannot regulate my kids because

Jen (26:16)
Very true.

Emily Cleghorn (26:16)
when

they're throwing a temper tantrum and I react from a triggered place, it just makes the temper tantrum a bazillion times worse and then everybody's crying.

Jen (26:30)
Yes, and that's so true. And I think when you say trigger toolbox, I think that that's the same as my coping skill toolbox that I always talk about. like finding those skills that we have to master when we're not being triggered so that when we are triggered, we can automatically go to those coping skills. And I think that's extremely important, not just for us.

Emily Cleghorn (26:39)
Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Jen (26:56)
as people who have been in trauma, but also for children because they are born as little cavemen and they don't know what to do with it, with their emotions.

Emily Cleghorn (27:01)
Yeah.

Yeah, and they, yeah, they

don't know how to navigate those emotions. And.

Jen (27:10)
Right, we have to put

the oxygen mask on and we have to calm ourselves and figure out how we can bring down our own emotions so that we can be on level with them.

Emily Cleghorn (27:13)
Absolutely.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And so ⁓ once you're able to reclaim your calm, then the third puzzle piece of the MendedMama method is... ⁓

Trigger-proofing your relationships.

Jen (27:45)
That sounds great.

Emily Cleghorn (27:46)
Yeah, so understanding your self-worth, understanding that you have value, learning how to implement boundaries and hold firm to them because I know for myself, ⁓ I was a chronic people pleaser. If somebody...

needed something from me, even if I said no, I would bend over backwards to make it happen for them. And

Jen (28:27)
That's

a childhood trauma response. have so many people know of fight or flight and they don't realize there's freeze and fond. Exactly. And fawning is something I think kids probably pick up faster than any other person. ⁓ It just goes right to their brain and again, changes those neurons so that you are always pleasing the other people in your life so that you don't get hurt.

Emily Cleghorn (28:30)
Yeah. Yeah.

Freeze and fawn are huge.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah, it's it's totally a survival survival thing. And so for me, when I really began my healing journey and started getting vocal about it ⁓ with the creation of Mamahood After Trauma and the publication of my book, my first book in twenty twenty one. ⁓

I made some waves and had to advocate for myself because there were a lot of people within my family of origin who were not happy that I was vocalizing my story, that I was sharing my story, that I was doing the thing. And they really wanted me to sit down and shut up. ⁓ And I had to, with my voice,

quivering as it does when you're speaking up for yourself and you're not used to it, tell them politely that no, I am not going to stop. It is my story. It is helping people to hear my story. And if you don't like it, you don't have to listen. If you don't like it, perhaps you should have made different choices. ⁓ But I'm not stopping.

Jen (30:23)
Good for you, advocating. It took me a very long time to learn to advocate for myself. I think especially because of the people pleasing aspect. ⁓ It's always roll over and show your belly so that nobody gets angry. But you choosing to advocate for yourself and saying, no, don't try to smother me. This is my power. This is my voice. And it's time to use it is really excellent.

Emily Cleghorn (30:26)
Yeah!

Yeah. Yeah.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, so, ⁓ and then once you have mastered trigger-proofing your relationships, again, it's not about never getting triggered anymore, but it is about demanding to be treated the way that you deserve to be treated, with respect and kindness and dignity. ⁓ then we move on to future-focused healing.

So creating a vision, so you're no longer living in survival, what does thriving look like for you? What does your life look like when you're no longer sitting in a survival puddle?

and regaining your ability to dream because as trauma survivors, we lose that ability. It's taken from us by our abuser and by the black cloud of trauma that sits over our head until we reclaim our power. And so that is the Mended Momma method. ⁓ And I go through that ⁓ much deeper.

in my book, ⁓ Breaking Free, that is, ⁓ as we're recording this being launched, the paperback will be available on July 22nd. yeah. So, ⁓ is my, I'm on a mission to empower 2,000 women by the end of this year with the knowledge and the transformative

Jen (32:22)
Excellent!

Emily Cleghorn (32:38)
tools that the Mended Momma method encompasses. that is that's what I'm where I'm going.

Jen (32:47)
That's an incredible mission. You do speeches, you're a sought after speaker. So I'd love to hear more about your speaking engagements and who you speak to.

Emily Cleghorn (32:51)
Yeah.

So ⁓ over the last six months or so, I've done a number of different virtual events that have been targeted at women empowerment and empowering other women. ⁓ And I'm really excited because this fall, I'm doing my first in-person event in...

the city closest to me. So ⁓ I'm looking forward to ⁓ getting to know some local mamas in my area that I can support and help them to overcome the veil that trauma has put on them because we have a tremendous opportunity to break

cycles that have started long before we ever came on the scene. And it's amazing to see women breaking cycles that didn't start with them. They started long before they were even thought of. And until you become aware, you can't make different choices. But when you become aware, you become, you...

step into a very powerful place.

Jen (34:27)
Yes. So you said 2000 women you want to touch basically for the whole year of 2025. How are you approaching that?

Emily Cleghorn (34:36)
Yeah.

Well, I am...

using a combination of my speaking platforms and my podcast and I really want to get Breaking Free into the hands of 2,000 women. doing book signings and giveaways and social media blasts and guessing on podcasts. So I'm a mama on a mission.

Jen (35:13)
Yes, mama on a mission. That's wonderful. So tell us where we can find you so we can get this book in July when it comes out and how we can reach you.

Emily Cleghorn (35:27)
Well, you can find me on Instagram, Emily.MamahoodAfterTrauma, or you can find me on my website, mamahoodaftertrauma.ca. So either my website, mamahoodaftertrauma.ca, or Instagram, Emily.MamahoodAfterTrauma, and you can find all kinds of resources in either of those places.

Jen (35:50)
Fantastic. So I want to thank you so much for being on the show and sharing your wisdom. I love this mended mama method. I going to definitely want to learn more about that. So I will be going to your site. ⁓ It's the pillars are fantastic and it really makes sense. It really flows well. And I can only imagine that you have touched the lives of so many women.

Emily Cleghorn (35:57)
Thank you.

Yeah.

Well, thank you so much for having me today, Jen. It was a pleasure.

Jen (36:20)
Yes,

absolutely for me too.

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (36:24)
Thank you for joining us for this episode of the podcast. This show is produced by Phoenix Freed LLC and I'm your producer, Jen Ginty. We hope you found today's conversation inspiring. Thank you for joining us for this episode of the podcast. This show is produced by Phoenix Freed LLC and I'm your producer, Jen Ginty. We hope you found today's conversation insightful and inspiring. If you have a story of your own about when a not yet moment came right now,

We encourage you to reach out and share it. You can find more information about being a guest on our show at whennotyetbecomesrightnow.com. Remember, you are not alone on your journey, whether it's a journey of healing, growth, or transformation. Every story matters. Thank you for listening, and we'll catch you next time with another inspiring episode.