Navigating Identity and Resilience After Trauma with Caralyn Dreyer

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (00:00)
Hello and welcome. This episode contains discussions of sexual assault, partner abuse, and suicidality. These are deeply sensitive topics that may be distressing to some listeners. Please take care while listening.

If you or someone you know is struggling, resources and support are available, such as the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Thank you.

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (00:29)
Welcome to When Not Yet Becomes Right Now, the podcast where we dive deep into the moments of transformation, the times when not yet shifts into right now and everything changes. I'm your host, Jen Ginty and this podcast is all about those pivotal moments in our life journeys. You know the ones when the hesitation fades, when we take that first step, even if it feels like a leap. It's in these moments that growth and healing begins. Each episode will explore stories of resilience,

moments of clarity, and the sparks that ignite real change. From personal experiences to expert insights, we'll uncover how people navigate the complex journey we call life and come out stronger on the other side. Whether you're searching for that spark in your own life or just curious about how change unfolds for others, you're in the right place. We'll discuss the ups and downs, the breakthroughs and setbacks, and how to embrace the right now, even when it feels out of reach. Because sometimes,

The hardest part of the journey is realizing that the moment you've been waiting for has already arrived. So take a deep breath, settle in, and let's get started.

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (01:41)
Welcome to When Not Yet Becomes Right Now. Today I have a special guest. Her name is Caralyn Dreyer. And I'm gonna introduce her before we talk. Caralyn Dreyer is a single mom who has overcome a lot of trauma. She grew up being adopted and having to adjust to living in a predominantly Caucasian town.

She had experiences with being bullied and dealing with racism. During high school, she was social but struggled to feel like she fit in and developed an eating disorder. During college, she experienced not fitting in due to being biracial. experienced multiple traumas and was involved in an abusive relationship where she suffered from many forms of abuse. In adulthood, Caralyn has learned to live with anxiety, depression, and the aftermath of trauma. Welcome, Caralyn.

Hi, Jen. Thank you for having me. Yeah. So let's get into it. It sounds like you've had a lot of barriers to jump over since early in your life. Could you tell us a little bit more? Yes, absolutely. So as you mentioned, I grew up in a small town. It was predominantly white. I was adopted. I'm biracial. So that raised

like kind of a fractured foundation that, you know, as I continue to talk, we'll kind of see how that plays out. But just with like self identity, not feeling like accepted by other people, mostly because of my race. But other than that, it was a normal childhood. I have a couple of younger brothers and older sister. You know, we went on family vacations. So a lot of the stuff that I started to go through was more like a personal thing. wasn't

necessarily like a family dynamic or anything like that. So yeah, elementary school was a little bit rough. There was the bullying, as you mentioned. I was called the N-word in fourth grade already. Yeah, in fourth grade. And I believe it might have been the same girl who also told me that my skin was brown because I would bathe in mud.

Yeah. How ignorant. know it's a child, but where does that come from? You where does a girl find that? You think of that? Absolutely. And, know, to the defense of like the small town thing, you know, especially if there's not a lot of diversity, I'm sure that that girl didn't know any better for lack of a better way to say that. But that definitely that stuck with me for the rest of my life.

And I definitely developed like more of a complex about my skin color for sure. I just always felt like the spotlight was on me. I never knew if the kids were genuinely being friends with me or if it was more that their parents, you know, because I was one of few minorities, sometimes the only one. So, you you teach your kids to accept others and be kind to others, but there's a difference when you're teaching your child to do that and

a way that's like not genuine. So I never knew like, do they like because my personality or their parents basically like forcing them to socialize with me because I was a minority. So that kind of developed another little crack, you know, in the foundation of things, but things, things progressed. Middle school is usually,

tumultuous time for many, because it's that awkward time. You definitely don't know who you are then, but there's the peer pressure, the fitting in, you know, you got to have the right clothes on and all that type of stuff. So middle school was a little shaky. Friends, the friendship thing was kind of difficult for me.

And typically, I think when you're at that age, you're arguing a lot with your friends over silly, petty things. But I just, think I still was struggling with why are these kids nice to me? Are they really my friends? So I think that from elementary school, that just never, it never really went away. So we get to high school. High school was so, so, I never really had.

problems like making friends despite, you know, being bullied and all that stuff. I was a social person. So high school was okay, but I did encounter a dating relationship where the boy had to break up with me because his parents didn't like that I was biracial because he was white and actually believe he was Mennonite also. yeah, so that's

definitely an interesting dynamic. as an adult now, I understand where that came from, but I was crushed and I found out from a friend because her father was friends with his father. So that was even worse. I didn't even hear it from him. But that was a moment where I kind of bonded with my mom. She grew up similar to me because she's Korean.

So she, my father's white, you know, she had white boyfriends in high school, so she could relate to me on that level. So it was nice to have my mom to be able to understand, because my friends didn't understand. They were, most of them are white and they weren't, you know, interracially dating either. So it was nice to be able to talk to my mom about that. But I definitely continued with like the self identity struggle. I started to restrict my diet.

I was never formally diagnosed with an eating disorder, so I will put that out there. However, I have studied psychology. I'm not a therapist, but I do know that I had serious body image issues back then. So I was restricting my diet, barely eating. eventually that progressed into purging.

But the interesting thing is I didn't ever binge eat per se. I would just purge after just eating like a regular portion of food. Cause I'm like, my gosh, that's gonna make me get fat. When I went out on dates in high school, I would only order a salad. Like I never wanted to eat in front of anybody. So, progressed. I don't think it did too much damage.

like physically, not that I could see, we'll say that. But I definitely, it was like a secret that I carried around. Obviously I didn't tell people. There was a point where I shared it within my youth group. But as far as that goes, I never really got counseling for it. It carried off well into maybe like my 30s. I'm 43 now. Definitely I'm better. I have progressed from that, but.

You know, it was something that I always struggled with. we have that added to like the racial things. So then college, I was so ready to go to college because the small town was just not for me. I always wanted to be just around like more people. knew that there was like a whole other world out there. So I was so excited for college. Definitely was ready to get away from the nest and like be able to do what I wanted to do.

The friend situation, again, wasn't horrible, but once again, it was the racial thing. people who, mostly African Americans, well, you talk like you're white. Well, it's called proper grammar, and this is a universal thing. It doesn't matter. You know what your race is. I'm using proper grammar, but that really...

It didn't hurt me per se, again, it made me look at myself again through a different perspective. And so I started to kind of change the way I talked. I'm sure I sounded absolutely ridiculous because it's just not in my nature to not speak properly. You know what I But I was trying to fit in. I just wanted to fit in. college was...

It was a moment where I was breaking free, right? So I could stay up as late as I wanted. It was my first time drinking alcohol. That kind of turned into a little bit of a disaster. I think with a lot of girls, especially who go into college, they think that they need to change themselves in some way and they need to be the fun girl, right?

So getting into alcohol during parties, that kind of thing is what we're, quote, supposed to do to become the woman we're supposed to be, right? Yes. Yeah, you're right. And when you watch movies and all these teeny-bobber shows, it's always this glamorous view of college, the parties and the sororities. But if you're not prepared, it can be a huge

can be kind of disastrous, you know? I ended up being sexually assaulted towards the end of my freshman year of college. It happened at a house party. I had been drinking. I was unconscious at one point through the night. I don't remember a lot of details. I just remember waking up on a bed with no clothing on.

I don't know how many men were in there, but I do know it was more than one. I'm so sorry. Yeah. that, that was, that was a rough time. I went to go get a rape kit done the day after it happened and they ended up finding a condom inside of me. Wow. And talk about like,

an out of body like experience and I can still see it. It was like a dimly lit room because you know, they're talking to victims, you know, it's not going to be like a bright room. So I just remember it being dim in there. There was couches. The woman sat down and told me the news and that's when it really like dawned on me what happened to me and not being able to fill in so many details and again, knowing

how the process of reporting to the police works and then if it goes to a trial. And I just was not equipped at the time to make even a decision not to report, which is what I ultimately decided was not to report. But like I said, I didn't have enough knowledge, I feel like, to make an informed decision, but I didn't want my parents to find out. Because at the time, think I was only like 19. That's still pretty young.

I definitely went a different way than my siblings in that I just kind of was more of a free spirit, we'll say. So I just can't imagine, I don't even know how my parents would have taken that. You know, they hadn't experienced anything like that with my siblings. because of that, and then, know, the victim blaming, the victim shaming, if it would have gone to trial, these men were college athletes. They were football players.

pretty major universities. So you have the party girl and then you have, you know, we know how that story goes. You have the athletes and it's like a David and Goliath thing. It really is. It's, you know, it's and back then, you know, these days law enforcement is more informed about how to speak with trauma victims. But, you know, back when this happened to me, you know, this is like almost decades ago.

You know, I can't even imagine like how traumatic it would have been to have to go through the questioning and then you get flustered and, it's just, so I didn't report. I went to one counseling session, so that was definitely a not yet moment. but I was still young. I didn't want to face it. I wanted to put it behind me. Life kind of went on, but it was a little bit of a mess.

I got alcohol poisoning soon after that. Almost died from that. The paramedics couldn't find a heartbeat when they came to get me. And then there was a suicide attempt shortly after that because it just was so much in the shame and the guilt and the, is anyone gonna believe me? And it just was like, it was too much. It was too much. And...

The love that I knew other people had for me was greater at that moment than my inability to see hope. So I guess there was a tiny bit of hope in that I knew that there was people who would miss me when I was gone and who would want me to stay around. So ultimately, obviously I'm still here. yes, yeah. So there was that.

the shame, the shame. is the emotion that comes up so often when we start really diving into the traumas that we've had. There's the shame of it having happened, and then there's the shame of speaking of it to others, and the shame of family being afraid that your family isn't going to accept you because of this, that you're quote,

broken in some way. And then just the idea of going against a group of men that were involved in this and the usual trope of, she was there and she was drunk and ready to go. It's a terrible, terrible cycle that happens for so many women.

every year that there's a new freshman group of girls, these things happen because they're not discussed before they go away. Absolutely. I, yeah, I don't think I get, my parents probably would not have been, I'm speaking on their behalf, but I just don't think they would have been equipped to handle a situation that, me being a mom,

Now also, I just can't imagine my son coming to me telling me like the most horrific thing and not being able to do anything but the shame. And, you know, we were a very religious family. So, you know, the party girl and the drinking didn't really coincide with that. And there's a natural instinct, I think, for kind of like a I told you so moment that is involved sometimes. And of course people don't

mean it in a bad way, but kind of like, well, if you would have lived at home or if you wouldn't have been drinking or if you wouldn't have this, wouldn't have that. Well, but we're here now, right? You know what I'm saying? So we got to focus on what's happening now, but that, that was a rough time. college, I ended up dropping out and just working because I think at that time is when the depression definitely

was developing, but I didn't recognize it back then. just figured like, you know, life sucks. I'm a college student, I'm broke, you know, I hate classes, this and that. I just didn't really chalk it up to it possibly being symptoms of depression. So there we have like another piece of the puzzle that's kind of playing into things that happen later. And so after college, I'm just working, I end up getting into some

bad dating relationships. I was involved in one where it was mostly psychological and emotional abuse, but there were a couple incidents of physical abuse. He had put his hand against my throat because I didn't speak to him when I walked into a party that we were both at. He pushed me down in the parking lot one time and then

Another time he defecated on me. my goodness. After intercourse. Yes. and this is something that I'm just now kind of like speaking out in public, I guess you would say, there's a few people who knew about it before I really started talking about it, but even myself, that's definitely all the stuff that I've been through. You don't have room to remember it anymore when new stuff comes.

So now that I'm in this healing process, literally like things I forgot about, I'm like, yeah, we dealt with these things, but yeah, there's that part. Well, the absolute humiliation of something like that and that someone would want to make you feel that way, why the questions come up. again, maybe that shame comes back into it. Well, do I deserve this? Because

of what happened to me before, right? It's this cycle of shame and self-doubt. Yeah, absolutely. And to this day, it's like, no wonder I was walking around so broken and such a mess. Like somebody defecated on me. I I've through other terrible things, but yeah, that in and of itself, that just...

goes to show you, I think for him, it was like, let's see how far we can go. Because he had broken me down so much. I wasn't wearing makeup anymore. I wasn't dressing the way I wanted to. I was eating the stuff he told me to eat. was isolating from family and friends. So I literally think a lot of it was like a sick thing for him to see, like if he could do it, because he knew he probably would talk me into it. did. And

You know, that's an embarrassing thing, not now, but back then. Like, how do you tell somebody that and not have them question you like, come on, really? But yeah, really, there are sick people out there like that. And I think that's one of the reasons I went into psychology and forensic psychology is because it's helped me understand some of these sickos that I've had to come into contact with. And that happens a lot with trauma.

you know, people will go into a specific career because of their trauma. My brother became a therapist, a psychologist after our trauma, and he works with people with PTSD. And yeah, it's that extension. It's like, now I want to understand it and help others. it's, that's a very typical thing, but also a...

a great way to understand yourself as well, Absolutely. And it's like a pretty part of such a horrible cycle. Like the cycle of trauma is just so ugly and dirty and messy, but to be able to have something positive come out of that, I don't want to say it makes it worth it, but it really makes you appreciate. I made it through that stuff and I chose not to

harbor like resentment and bitterness, but I'm going to turn this into something more positive. And yeah, I have noticed that I have several friends who have been through traumatic things and they did go into, helping professions or just even writing books or whatever the case may be. They turned it into, you know, like a pay it forward type of thing. So after that, you know, there was

sketchy relationships here and there. There were periods of time where I was like, okay. The one thing about me is I always had a job. I was always working. At one point I did go back into school after dropping out. So there was a good string of years where I at least had something productive going on outside of the behind the scenes stuff.

which was just usually bad relationships, bad decisions, this and that. So then we kind of progress into my 30s. I was involved in another abusive relationship. I'll speak a little bit about that, but it's a situation where I can't go into too much detail, but this was definitely.

one of the most psychologically, emotionally, verbally abusive relationships I was ever involved in. It was a lot of gaslighting. It's such a bizarre situation when you're speaking to somebody who is like flinging these accusations at you that they believe to be true. And there's no

You can't you just can't get out of it. mean, this person definitely had narcissistic personality traits. So it just it was a horrible situation. I got out of it. But this person tried to retaliate against me. Legally, we'll say I guess we can explain there is no foundation to any of that, but it just.

I literally had to escape that relationship. Like I had to pack my stuff up. I had already arranged for a place to stay because if he would have known I was gonna leave, who knows what would have happened? I honestly think it would have been a situation where he maybe would have held me captive or something like that. just, knew, thank God I had friends in a support system. Like we're here for you when you're ready.

And, know, obviously they gave their two cents, like, yeah, you've got to leave this guy alone. But, you know, they were like, when you're ready, we're here to help. And so that definitely helped out a lot, but that situation again, reignited the depression. And, you know, I had experienced postpartum depression with my son and that is a real thing. It is.

It's yeah, it I've never really been through something like that before. I mean, I definitely like the motivation was gone. You don't take care of yourself. I mean, and at this point you have a child. So obviously I'm focusing all my energy and time on my child, but you know, I'm not taking care of myself. Not really like brushing my hair. I feel like that's like a new parent thing anyway. Like you just don't have the time, but

I got to the point where I had a friend tell me, you really should consider talking to somebody, but maybe getting on medication. Cause I was a mess. I honestly don't even know how I was working a full-time job and like talking. I think I was like, I've always been a high functioning person when it comes to depression and anxiety. That comes from trauma as well.

Yes. That you're hyper focused, you're hyper vigilant. There's hyper everything where you just keep going and going until you exhaust yourself. Absolutely. And I am president of the busybody club because that's totally me. I get so uncomfortable when I have to sit still. I have to literally force myself, like, Caralyn, you need to sit here and not do anything. And it's hard. I would have to somebody strap me down.

because it's so uncomfortable for me to be in a quiet, nothing's going on situation because I'm so used to that chaos and craziness. It's interesting. I was speaking with my therapist about this because now I'm starting to joke that I created a podcast just so I didn't have to sit with my own feelings. I think when there's that absence of doing something, there's the fear that

I'm gonna start feeling and it's not gonna be a good feeling. So I understand that busy body thing. Yeah, it's a real thing. you know, thank God, like I finally all these years later have recognized that that's what it is. So now I'm just really trying harder to, you know, move on from that. But I ended up getting on medication, which I will say it helped.

in that I was able to function more, I guess. But the only thing I didn't like was like the numbing feeling. Like I just didn't really like feel anything. It was really bizarre. It just was like really indifferent about things. So I stayed on that medication for a little bit. Eventually I got off of it because I was like, you know what, it's time to start. Let's start trying to actually work through some things.

So I got off the medication, things in life were going pretty well. I had started my doctorate program for forensic psychology. This is about seven, eight years ago. I met somebody we dated for a couple of years. We ended up getting married. that did not work out. Long story short, he

really was good at disguising himself while we were dating. Now I'm not going to say like he was some kind of monster after we got married. That's not what I'm saying at all. But again, this was somebody with some narcissistic personality traits. Like I noticed he'd always want to act like he rescued me. And you know, I, he was the type of person that

surrounded himself with people that would uphold this image that he wanted. He wanted to have this image of being a savior and I helped this poor, struggling single mom. Well, no, I actually was fine when I met him. was getting out of starting my doctorate. Like things were good, but it wasn't just that. It was like a laundry list of things. So we had only, we hadn't been married very long. And so I'm like, great. My son,

is unable to have a relationship with his father because it's not a safe situation. And now here I've gotten married. He's attached to this man and he wasn't, like I said, he was not a monster. He just, if I would have known a lot of things ahead of time and look to my role in this, maybe I rushed into it. I will fully admit that I maybe didn't give myself enough time to get to know him.

You know, I'll fully admit that but I was like, great. Now my son, I almost considered not getting divorced for a couple of reasons. Number one, again, the shame. Here I go knocking on my family's door. Hey guys, by the way, here's another situation I found myself in. Number two, my son, I'm like, should I try to stick this out? But having been through this stuff, I've been through

I now have gained a little bit of perspective into the future. And I was like, I just don't see myself staying in a situation for my child, especially if I'm miserable. How much sense does that make for me to stay in a situation where I'm miserable, where I can decide to get divorced, rebuild my life again, and my son can see somebody who has overcome. He can see somebody who

is not settling, but most importantly, he's not going to be around somebody who's not treating his mother the way a woman should be treated. That's right. I'm not good. I'm going to do as much as I can to not have my son grow up with certain perspectives about relationships. Now, granted, it's too late for some of those things.

But certainly I had control in that situation of what is my son gonna learn about marriage and relationships by me staying in this relationship, unhappy, being manipulated, X, Y, Z. He's not gonna learn anything but how to mistreat a woman. Exactly. And he's not gonna do that on my watch. I've been abused, sexually assaulted. There is no way I'm going to let somebody influence

my son growing into a man that a woman is afraid of, or is going to go to her girlfriends with, my gosh, this guy's such a jerk. Like, no, no. If he grows up and chooses to be the person he wants, you know, I don't have much control over that. But for the time being, I was like, you know what? It's gonna suck. I have to start over again. This is maybe like start over time three or four, but I did it.

I got a second job, low key, so that my now ex-husband couldn't try to find a way to take that money. I saved up money for plane tickets. literally moved with like the clothes on our back and maybe like three pieces of luggage while my ex-husband was at work. I was slowly throwing stuff out and packing on the low. The day we moved, I waited till he went to work. Cause again,

I wasn't sure if he found out about my plans, if he would try to stop me. He knew at this point though, too, that the marriage was over. Let me add that in there. So it wasn't a surprise when he got home that I was gone. I forgot to add that he knew we were getting divorced. Okay. And he did try to hang on, but I saw through it. was like, no. So my son and I left. moved to Pennsylvania where a good friend of mine let us stay there.

while I figured stuff out because I'm the type of person when I'm in a bind, if I can figure it out on my own, that's what I'm gonna do. And so this friend helped me. We made it through, we're to the present day now, but it's just been, it's been a long ride. Yeah, and your story is really important.

And one of the things I want to get back to is that choice of leaving for yourself and that knowledge. And it happened for me the same way when I was with my husband and I realized that I was just not happy. It wasn't getting better and the cracks were showing. And I decided to leave after I had spoken to a therapist for a while and got the courage to leave.

And I got mixed reviews. My mother told me I would never be able to be on my own. Now she says she's so glad that I left him. But before when it was happening, she's like, you're never going to be able to do this on your own. You have two sons, two little boys. And a friend of mine said to me, I would never do that to my children. But what's the choice? Having your children watch their mother

slowly or even quickly become worse emotionally and so unhappy and show them that a man can treat a woman that way, that she'll stay no matter what. It's just not... It's that shame that comes in again, but it doesn't help when people tell you that you could never do this on your own or you're making a mistake by choosing yourself. Yeah.

It is hard, but you know what? I've had that happen to me several times and it pisses me off to the point where I'm going to show you different because I know, it's my, you know, I was like, I can't keep living my life for other people. Where has that gotten me? Right. You know, because let's say even in the past, I was always living for other people or trying to fulfill whatever perspective or image like

the in college where you talk like you're too white. So then I try to talk like I'm not white. You know what I mean? So it just was always a struggle to be what other people wanted. And I was like, this is not, I'm the common denominator. Now, granted, the stuff that has happened to me, I did not deserve it. No, but I also have to look at I'm the same broken

person that's going from relationship to relationship to this phase of life to that phase of life, only scratching the surface just so that I can continue in survival mode, which is not the worst thing, but you just, you can't go on like that forever because survival mode in my personal opinion does not mean that you're necessarily getting to the core root.

of the issues, right? Because you're surviving. When you're thriving and living, it's because you've sat with that stuff and you've worked through it and you're coming up out of it. You know what I mean? When you just, and I've done it, you just push it away, push it away. All right, I know survival mode, let's do this. We're gonna survive, we're gonna survive. But eventually you have a day of reckoning, I feel like. Maybe not that dramatic, but you have like a aha moment.

Yeah. And I think people who live in trauma, who have had domestic violence and other violent traumas that have happened to them, we are in survival mode. Our bodies, because this is complex PTSD, it changes our bodies, our body chemistry, our neurons, our pathways. And so we are constantly in survival mode. It doesn't change. And we have to make decisions to

help ourselves at least lessen the feeling of survival mode. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. And you're right. I think there are parts of survival mode that I will never, you know, it's always going to be there. But at the same time, with the just like depression or anxiety, yes, I'm allowed to lay around in bed all day because I my depression is hitting me hard or I'm allowed to

I don't know, I'll be hyper because I'm so full of anxiety. But just because we're allowed to feel those feelings does not mean that we have to let, we don't have to be them. They don't have to become our identity. And that's something I've really been working on is letting the feelings come, sitting with it, and then just letting it flow out because I have still have so much stuff to unpack. But even after like this,

year, I feel like so much lighter already. And it's such a weird thing to explain, but I literally can feel I'm letting go of things. And like I said, now I'm having memories of stuff I forgot about that I still need to deal with. it's allowing these things to come to the surface like a lot easier. And I'm developing the skills that when they do, I maybe don't have to like spiral, you know, it's gonna happen. It is there's no

around it. It's going to happen. I'm at a place now where I know how to fight harder to at least maybe lessen the blow, if you will. Maybe instead of being out of commission for a week, it's only for a day or maybe even a couple of hours at this point. Right. And I think that's important when we talk about building a coping skills toolbox for ourselves, that it's not simple to do this. It takes a lot of time.

and you go through a lot of different coping skills and figure out which ones work for you, right? But putting in that work helps to alleviate. Like you said, maybe I'm not depressed the whole week. There are a few days that I feel it and that's okay. I can give myself grace, but I can also pull myself out of it because I have these skills that I've learned and are now wrote for me.

Yep, absolutely. Yeah, you definitely find out things that work for you things that don't like I really can't meditate. Kind of I can either like makes me overthink like even more but like I just sit outside. I can sit outside for hours and hours and literally just sit there and not be doing anything but that's like my release or you just learn like you said different ways of coping, you know.

It's just all it really is all learning process and you have to have intention and purpose like I have to intentionally in the morning. Maybe more so than other people. I really have to like get it going and light that fire under myself. I because I fight you fight those. I don't like to say demons, but you just fight those things that tug you back into the past. You can fight them like every day, but you just.

You have to keep going. And when you look back and you're like, I made it through that. Well, OK, a couple of bad days. Like, honestly, in the bigger picture, it's a piece of cake. It doesn't seem like it at the time. But you know. But it gets easier. Yes, for sure. So you're doing forensic psychology, right? What is that? Well, so I have my master's in forensic.

psychology. Unfortunately, I've never been able to work in the field because I had when I had my son, you know, the plans change. But forensic psychology is basically psychology and the law, like mixed together. So it's just like you can use the forensic psychology to explain criminal behavior. You learn about, you know, how to assess crime scenes and

based on this crime scene looking like this, what type of criminal maybe did it? There's the assessments of people being competent to stand trial. There's like so many different things. wish, I don't regret things, but I wish I would have known about forensic psychology in undergrad. Cause I think I would have just gone down a whole different route. Like forensic accounting is like so interesting to me. Like just the whole, I'm an investigator.

I like, I love to investigate like anything. Do you think that you went into it because of your past experiences? Oh, absolutely. Because my undergrad degree is criminal justice. And I briefly considered going into the police academy, but for a variety of reasons, I decided that wasn't for me. But when I started the criminal justice program, that

was probably maybe six or seven years after the sexual assault. So it really helped me, I don't know, understand the legal system. And then once I got more into the psychology, just, it made me understand me, but also like why people do some of these things. And you know, you learn about the risk factors. I definitely had a lot of risk factors, but

I had enough protective factors that that's honestly why I think I'm here today. Even though I had issues in my childhood, I had a solid family system. You know, I had religion, which I'm still religious to this day, but I had those protective factors that were enough because I could have gone a completely different route. I really could have. You know, any of us, you know, could be a finger snap away from

going a different way. But yeah, to answer your question, studying the psychology, I definitely think I went into that just to understand because who am I going to ask the guys who hurt me? Like, why did you do this? You know what I mean? Who am I going to get the answers from? But to figure them out for myself. So yeah, I feel like we we choose these things subconsciously. Yeah.

Because there is something, there are questions in the back of our mind that we want answered. Yes. And I think it was honestly, I think it was a way for me to get a little bit of closure on some of these things, you know, in that I am understanding of why these things happen and that type of thing, but not closure in the sense of, you know, I don't need these people to admit to what they did. I know what they did to me.

You know, I don't need apologies from them. None of that. I just have to turn that energy and focus it on me and what I can do to grow and learn. That's a beautiful thing. Yep, I agree. So where can we find you, Caralyn? Well, you can find me on Instagram and you'll I have to like think of like all these like.

names, the screen names, but I believe my Instagram is Caralyn underscore dryer. And if you go there, I have my link tree and that's hooked up to everything, but I'm on LinkedIn. Instagram. just opened a Tik TOK, which I swore up and down. I was never going to join the Tik TOK world and I might not be out there for a long time. know it's treacherous. It's interesting. It's for the kids. I'm going to say that.

because I'm like, they are not feeling my adult like videos here on TikTok. I gotta step up my game on there. And then I've started blogging. So I'm on Medium. So if you go to Instagram, that's really the place to go. And that will hook you up to everything. I'm actually gonna be debuting a mental health blog next week that I started where I'm gonna just kind of talk about my experience with depression because...

You know, I'm able to work from home. I'm able to do a lot of things that are challenging for any kind of mental illness. So I just really want to share, you know, my insights and just my experiences with stuff like that. Cause there's a lot of parts of mental illness that we don't talk about, you know, the lack of self care. might not shower for days, you know? So I just, I, I'm an open book. try to be as authentic as possible in.

I can overshare at times. I'm not going to hopefully do that in this blog, but I just want to be open and honest because nobody's going to know what to do if we keep sugarcoating things. We're going to all just continue to walk around not knowing what's going on. We have to speak the truth. So Instagram is the place to go. Great. And I really appreciate your authenticity coming into this and being so open.

about the things that have happened in your life. But you've chosen to overcome that and to share those for others because that's why I created this podcast is I wanted to share others' journeys so that others don't feel so alone. And I think you've really given so much to this show just in your experiences and yourself. Well, thank you so much for having me.

This opportunity is amazing for many reasons. I actually was not shaky or nervous. I get such like, I don't know, stage fright or like performance anxiety. think my armpits are a little sweaty. But I appreciate like, it was a comfortable forum and like this is just been a being on this podcast has been even just a growing experience in and of itself. So I just appreciate.

the opportunity and you're such a beautiful soul. your aura is just like so like calming. Thank you. I'm glad to have crossed paths with you. Yes, absolutely. And I can't wait to share all of the things, all of your things with others. And I know that there are people out there who will understand the experience, have experienced what you've experienced and will not feel alone.

Yeah, absolutely. And that's the goal is just even if one person cannot feel alone, I can go to bed at night, a happy person. Absolutely. Well, thank you again. Thank you so much.

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (49:01)
Carolyn's journey reminds us of the strength it takes to face immense challenges and come out the other side, choosing what's best for yourself. Her story is a powerful testament to her resilience, her own self-love, and a reminder that healing is possible. I want to thank Carolyn for her vulnerability while sharing her story. It is truly a beautiful one.