A Deep Dive Into the Emotion of Guilt and Why We May Feel It Over the Holidays

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (00:00)
Welcome to When Not Yet Becomes Right Now, the podcast where we dive deep into the moments of transformation, the times when not yet shifts into right now and everything changes. I'm your host, Jen Ginty and this podcast is all about those pivotal moments in our life journeys. You know the ones when the hesitation fades, when we take that first step, even if it feels like a leap. It's in these moments that growth and healing begins. Each episode will explore stories of resilience,

moments of clarity, and the sparks that ignite real change. From personal experiences to expert insights, we'll uncover how people navigate the complex journey we call life and come out stronger on the other side. Whether you're searching for that spark in your own life or just curious about how change unfolds for others, you're in the right place. We'll discuss the ups and downs, the breakthroughs and setbacks, and how to embrace the right now, even when it feels out of reach. Because sometimes,

The hardest part of the journey is realizing that the moment you've been waiting for has already arrived. So take a deep breath, settle in, and let's get started.

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (01:11)
Hello and welcome to When Not Yet Becomes Right Now. So I decided to do a solo episode because I was really thinking about it and I wanted to do a crossover from My Moody Monster to here because if you don't know much about My Moody Monster, while I was waiting for the prototype for this doll to come out and for it to be perfect.

the way that I wanted it, I decided during the time that I was waiting that I should put together some content that may be helpful to others. And it actually became very helpful for me, interestingly enough. And what I did was I named the Moody Talks. And each month I would pick a emotion and then I would talk about that emotion. The first episode I'd talk about how do we feel when we feel that emotion.

What words do we use when we describe that emotion and how intensely do we feel those words? And I do things like write down those words, those descriptive words, and then put them on an intensity scale. And I do that because I think it's very important that we understand the words that we use for an emotion.

and how intense we're feeling them. If we're using that emotion, there's an intensity level that goes with it. Let's choose sad. Grief-stricken could be an extremely intense descriptive word for sadness. Grief-stricken is very, very powerful, right? So I start out with that and the feelings that we get in our body, what sensations do we get when we feel an emotion?

And how do we react to an emotion? What actions do we take when we feel an emotion? So I start out the first episode like that, and then the next three episodes are usually coping skills that I've learned through a therapy called DBT, dialectical behavioral therapy. And what it does is it concentrates on emotions. And having these coping skills available that you can put in your own emotions toolbox is really important.

So each month I go through a different emotion and do those coping skills and offer them to others to learn. And this month it's December and I choose guilt for December because of the holiday season. I know it's not a word or an emotion that we think of when we think about the holiday season, but honestly, lot of people feel guilt during

the season. And I want to talk about why. And first of all, I'm going to talk about what is guilt? What is the definition of guilt in terms of DBT? Because all emotions are valid, right? And so guilt is an emotion and it's valid. Why? Well, guilt tells us when we're disappointed in ourselves because we've made a choice to go against our own values or morals.

So you may feel guilt because you've done something that you know you don't feel is right. You may have chose to harm someone emotionally, physically, and you have guilt associated with that situation because you know that you went against your own values in that moment. So guilt is a valid emotion that we feel.

And the real thing we want to look at when it comes to guilt is whether it's justified or not justified, right? Justified guilt would be that you chose to harm someone, right? You chose to do something that was harmful to another person or was harmful to a situation that you were in that caused a problem, right? That you know was not the correct.

choice. That's pretty much it when it comes to justifying guilt. Now, unjustified guilt is, let's say that you did something that went along with your own value system, but someone's mad at you because you chose that. And so you're feeling guilt because you caused another person to be angry.

But that's not justifiable, right? You shouldn't feel guilt because you've made a decision based on your own values. It's not your problem that that person is upset about it. And society has kind of given us this idea that if we make someone angry, we should feel badly about that. But that's just a boundary. And yeah, a lot of us don't know what...

Boundaries are. We weren't taught that. So we do feel that unjustified guilt. Another unjustified guilt is if you say no to someone. That one's really hard, right? It's really hard to say no, especially if you weren't taught what boundaries are, right? So we shouldn't feel guilty because we said no.

we made a decision that was probably the good decision for ourselves. And just because we upset someone doesn't mean that we have to feel guilt because of that. But that's just not the way the human mind works, right guys? We tend to feel guilty about a lot of things and unfortunately a lot of that is unjustified. So how do we cope, right? Well, let's get into the different kinds of guilt.

So, say we have parental guilt, okay? What's parental guilt? Well, as a parent, I myself have felt a lot of parental guilt in my time. I grew up in a abusive childhood situation. I lived with an abuser and I was not given a great understanding of how to parent.

outside of an abusive relationship. So throughout my time as a parent, I've felt that guilt that I didn't have a true understanding. Maybe I did something that was crossing a boundary for my child or not allowing my child to have a boundary at all. It's these kind of things. But parental guilt also can be that

you weren't able to give your child something that they wanted or something that might have been needed. Maybe you just didn't have the means in that time to be able to do something for your child, right? And so we have this parental guilt that clouds us and makes us want to make up for the things that we feel guilty for. But again, we need to step back and say,

Is this guilt justified? Did you do this on purpose to make your child upset? Did you do something that harmed your child and you knew that it was wrong? Well, no. No, maybe you didn't. Maybe you just weren't able to do something in a moment that they wanted or needed from you. And that's okay. We're human, right? Parents are.

the most human of people. At least that's how I feel in a sense. And I've learned to accept that, that I can't be the perfect parent. And that means that I have to let go of some of that parental guilt that I have.

What other types of guilt do we have? Let's see, there is spousal or partner guilt. Again, I think it's along the line of that relationship of not being able to give in a moment in time, or you don't have something available in a moment in time. And maybe that upset your partner, or maybe they expected something different from you, something more from you. But again, let's step back.

Is it justified? Did you want purpose? Withhold something from your spouse knowing full well that it was wrong and it went against your own value system. Did you just say no? Right? Maybe you said no and that spouse or the person in that relationship is upset that you said no.

They have a right to their anger and you have the right to not feel guilty for a decision that you've made, right? So there's spousal and partner guilt there. Okay, what other forms of guilt do we have? Well, there's survivor's guilt. That can be a really difficult one.

that you just survived over someone else in a situation. And this is where PTSD can come in. I think a lot of us with PTSD do feel survivor's guilt at times. We've gone through something so difficult in our lives, but we got through it and we're on the other side of it. And sometimes we see that others haven't, that maybe...

They are not able to as well and aren't doing as well because of their trauma. And I think sometimes people with PTSD feel badly that maybe they are doing better. And do they have the right to feel as though they're doing better? And then there's the actual physical survivors, guilt of maybe you were in a car accident and

person in that accident didn't survive. That's a hard one, huh? That one's really, really difficult. And that's a reason to go into therapy right there. Guilt is such a strong and sometimes very painful reminder of things. And it can be a reminder of trauma that we've gone through.

So let's see, so there's the spousal, there's the parental, there's the survivors. And this is, this next one is one that I often feel over the holidays. And this is why I choose guilt as the December emotion of the month is I feel depression guilt. I don't know, I bet you there are a lot of people out there who feel this guilt over the holidays.

When you're in a depression, you're not feeling jolly, right? You're not feeling in the festive mood. Your body feels heavy. Your brain feels foggy. And even though you can go through the everyday motions of a regular time of the year, it can get harder during

the season, during the holidays. And guilt can come up when you feel as though you're just not there for others in that moment. So I think this one's a very important one for this time of year is to talk about when we're feeling guilty about not showing up.

And I think that we load this guilt onto ourselves with no real, I don't know, no real fact based on it, right? Yeah, we don't often have family members or friends or people you work with saying, you're such a fuddy dud, right? You're not.

You're not fun during the holidays. Many people recognize that some people don't enjoy this season as much as others. And so I think that we load this guilt on ourselves that we're bringing people down, which could be the case in some ways. Maybe it could be that way with your family, but more likely than not, we're kind of

putting this guilt on ourselves for no reason. So I think it's important that we acknowledge that we're feeling guilty about that depression and that we don't feel as though we're giving enough of ourselves. We're not supposed to be able to lift ourselves up and out of a depression that is really

holding us down. We can work on it. We can do the work to help us get out of the depression. And that means many different things. That means maybe therapy. That means maybe medication, especially if you have a chemical depression, such as major depressive disorder, which is what I have. I have found that even with doing all of the work on myself,

that I still need that medication to help boost me out of this depression.

So yeah, we can do the work, but we need to give ourselves grace in this time. We need to allow ourselves to step back and away from the holly jolly of the month of December and recognize in ourselves that we need something else to...

if not lift ourselves up to at least feel in control of ourselves and our lives. And guilt in this sense is absolutely not justified, but don't tell us that, right? You can't tell us that, especially when we're in a depression, that our guilt is not justified. So if you're not in a depression during this time, awesome.

I'm so happy for you. I'm so glad that you are having a fantastic holiday season and enjoying all of it. But I also want to put out there that there are people around you who may not be in the season, not because they don't want to, but maybe they just can't in that time. And then that's OK. We don't need to force people to be jolly.

We don't need to force people to be excited about whatever it is you want them to be excited about. And just understanding that there are people in your lives who may just not have ever had an experience, a great experience during this time of year. And I decided to do this episode because I went to my therapist today.

And she asked me if I had any memories of when I was young during the holidays. I have very, very little memories of any Christmases. I have memories of things that happened, some of them traumatic. My abuser did not turn into the holly jolly Santa.

during the holidays. He was just as much of an abuser during December than any other time in the year. So my memories included putting up a fake tree. so I'm Gen X. And if you are my age, you know, pretty much

probably within 20 years of me, you'll remember these terrible artificial trees, the ones where they were like metal and you stuck colors into the different holes on the tree trunk, quote, trunk. And you had to be careful and choose the right colors to go into each hole, right?

And then over the years, you've been putting this tree up for years and years and years. Those colors start to fade, right? So you're not exactly sure what the color may be on this metal stick with a bunch of fake pine needles sticking out of it. Well, one memory I have is that my abuser would be putting up the tree and he'd ask us to give him a limb of a certain color.

And if we didn't give him the right limb, we were punished for that. We would get slapped and yelled at. So that's one of my memories of childhood Christmases. And there is one good memory that I definitely have, and my brothers and I talk about it all the time during the Christmas season, is when we were young and we had Atari.

Coleco or the first Nintendo, we used to sneak into my aunt's room and take the cartridges that she had already wrapped for us for Christmas. We'd steal them and we'd play the games. We'd even finish the games and then we'd rewrap them as much as we possibly could and put them back in a room.

It is such a great fun memory. I don't actually remember doing it, but I know that it happened and it is one of the funniest memories. And anyone I tell that story to thinks it's hilarious that we used to do that and we used to get away with it. So that's a memory that I had, but otherwise I don't have any memories of Christmas. It's interesting. And so when we were talking about it,

We also talked about why this may not be a time of year where I feel festive because first of all, I don't really remember having any festive Christmases and holidays. And second, there are memories of things that happened that weren't great. So in my little family, internal family systems, my little Jen doesn't have that memory.

of having great holidays. So it's more difficult for me to get into the festive mood. I tend to just go through the motions and that's okay. I've had great Christmases when my kids were little, when they were babies and watching them be so excited for Christmas and opening presents and that was exciting for me and it was...

beautiful and fun for me. I loved doing that. And know, and times change and they're older now. And Christmas is usually a couple of little things and a wad of cash. Now that they're older, that's what they're looking for, right? But I, you know, I have to remember during this time of year to give myself grace and to remember that

I don't have to be on for everyone. I don't have to be holly jolly to get through the year, to get through the season and get onto the other side of it. And I just want to give that as a little lesson to others as well. If you're not feeling in the spirit, it's okay. You know, if you're feeling depressed,

and can't seem to get out of that feeling. And you don't feel as though you can really give 100%, which it feels like we have to during this time of year. We honestly don't. And the people who love us and understand us, they understand that as well. Maybe sometimes they're disappointed and that's okay.

It's okay for others to be disappointed that we're not jumping up and down screaming, Happy Christmas, Merry Christmas, We don't have to do that. We can try to enjoy this season the way that we can, the way that we know best. And that may just mean nights where we're watching a movie with our family.

Maybe it's a Christmas movie and it's funny and we get to laugh about that. I my sons and I, watch Elf every year and I burst out laughing through the entire thing every year. And that's my little piece of joy during the holidays. And another thing is I'm talking about this, I'm thinking, you know, some people may feel badly that that's the way that I roll during the holidays.

Please don't feel badly because that's not for you to hold on to. That's our emotion or your loved one who is in a depression. That's ours and we're handling it and we're taking care of it. And you should be doing everything that makes you so very, very happy during this season.

If this is the best season for you, is this the most fun, the most exciting and you need to just scream it. You need to listen to that Mariah Carey song every 10 minutes. You do that. Go for it. Have your joy. Don't worry about, you know, how others handle the season.

If we need help, we need to make the decision to ask for help. So if you see someone who is, you know, a loved one who is struggling, you have the right to ask. And it's so, so lovely for you to ask, how are you feeling? How are you doing? And they may be very honest with you. And that's great.

It's great that they're honest because that means that they have made the step to not feel guilty about not being in the spirit of the season.

But also remember, this is your experience and you get to feel however you want to feel during this time. So let's see, let's talk about guilt again. What can we do if we're feeling guilty and it's not justified? Well, I mean, you know what, actually, let's say it's justified or not justified. Let's say if we're just feeling guilty in general.

Well, we got to give ourselves something that's going to take us out of that. We need some coping skills, right? We need to be able to change our thought process in that moment to take us out of that emotion. So doing things. You know, like it doesn't have to be anything big. can be, you know, during this time of year, a lot of people want to contribute.

Contributions is a huge way to distract yourself from negative feelings, valid but negative feelings such as guilt. So contributions such as you haven't put together that big pile of clothing that you need to donate. So take the time to put together a bag of the clothing that you've been just

sitting on your Nordic track, right? Take the time to put those together. Maybe you have a few winter coats if you live in a winter area. Put those together and take a drive over to where you wanna drop those off. That's a great way to take your mind off of a difficult emotion you're going through such as guilt.

it's really important to focus on something that makes you feel more positive. I'm not talking about toxic happiness and joy. I'm not talking about doing that. That is not a part of my vocabulary.

this toxic like happiness where everything's great and I need to always feel that in my life, right? I'm just talking about things that you can do to take your mind off of a difficult emotion so that you can move forward with your day or that hour. And if you can't, that's okay too.

we have a right to sit back and maybe throw the covers over our heads because we can do that knowing that the next day we can move forward, right? But we can give ourselves grace in that moment. So I hope this was helpful for you guys. If you want to learn more about guilt, if you want to learn more about all the different emotions that we feel,

Again, you can go over to My Moody Monster on YouTube. It's just one word, My Moody Monster. And look through the Moody Talks that I've done. I've done guilt, shame, let's see, anger, sadness, jealousy, all these different emotions that we can consider difficult, right? So I hope that you'll go.

Take a look over there on My Moody Monster and see if you can find some coping skills that you can put into your own toolbox. Because it's important for us to build up a emotion toolbox so that we have it available for us when necessary, We're all going to feel these emotions. So let's find something that can help counteract it and make us feel better.

So have a great rest of your day and enjoy the holidays if that's what you do, if that's how you feel about them.