Breaking Up with Fear with Carolyn Murphy

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (00:00)
Welcome to When Not Yet Becomes Right Now, the podcast where we dive deep into the moments of transformation, the times when not yet shifts into right now and everything changes. I'm your host, Jen Ginty and this podcast is all about those pivotal moments in our life journeys. You know the ones, when the hesitation fades, when we take that first step, even if it feels like a leap. It's in these moments that growth and healing begins. Each episode will explore stories of resilience,

moments of clarity, and the sparks that ignite real change. From personal experiences to expert insights, we'll uncover how people navigate the complex journey we call life and come out stronger on the other side. Whether you're searching for that spark in your own life or just curious about how change unfolds for others, you're in the right place. We'll discuss the ups and downs, the breakthroughs and setbacks, and how to embrace the right now, even when it feels out of reach. Because sometimes,

The hardest part of the journey is realizing that the moment you've been waiting for has already arrived. So take a deep breath, settle in, and let's get started.

Jen (01:11)
Hello and welcome to When Not Yet Becomes Right Now. Today I have an amazing guest. Her name is Carolyn Murphy and she is the founder and CEO of Firm Foundations Community Outreach, LLC. She is a passionate advocate for trauma survivors, drawing from her own journey as an overcomer to help others claim their lives. Known as the Mind Shift Coach, she empowers individuals to break free from the past

and embrace a future of freedom and purpose. She's also the author of God, Why Did You Save Me? A powerful testament to resilience and transformation. Carolyn holds a BA in organizational leadership and is pursuing her MBA, preparing to serve as a Tennessee certified peer recovery specialist. Welcome Carolyn.

Carolyn Murphy (02:03)
you. it's awesome to be on your podcast.

Jen (02:06)
Oh, I'm so glad that you came on. can't wait for our conversation. So let's get it started then. What is your origin story?

Carolyn Murphy (02:19)
Well, my origin story is for as the, when the trauma started or the origin story of the book.

Jen (02:32)
Whichever you would like to start, know, usually we go into a little bit of background on, where where we're coming from and how we got there.

Carolyn Murphy (02:44)
Well, my origin story, I was born to teenage parents who were 16 years old. I later discovered that my mom was dealing with her own trauma. But as a child, I was born during a time where children were seen and not heard. So I was already muzzled when it comes to showing emotion. ⁓ During my early years, between four and six, I experienced

molestation by an adult man, which then silenced me. And I say for the rest of my life, because I'm now 52. So not until early 2023 is when I broke up with fear and began to start the journey of getting my voice back. I live through life feeling unloved, unwanted,

and unheard. ⁓ When I was in high school, I was raped by a classmate. So I lived in what they call trauma response, but I call it Russian roulette. So ⁓ being attracted to toxic men and it was just living in that what they call trauma loop.

Jen (04:05)
Yeah, I get it. I have a very similar, history. And we're the same age. So when you say, we were born to be seen and not heard, that's the experience that I had as well. And having that trauma just adds on like folds upon folds of this feeling of never being worthy or wanted.

or, you know, I don't know, loved.

Carolyn Murphy (04:40)
Yeah, that's a tough way to live. But during that time, just, I looked at different shows like the Cosby show or other shows that had families and I wished that I was in that family. So, but you know, back then my life was shattered. I look back now and it was like my life was shattered.

Of course, you don't know who you are at ages four and six and 10. You're actually coming into being to who you are. But I spent the rest of my life trying to piece together who I was, but realizing that everything just kept falling apart because it wasn't who I really was.

Jen (05:26)
Yeah. That Russian roulette, that is such an interesting way of looking at it because I can also understand that experience, that feeling of never knowing what the next moment is going to be like.

Carolyn Murphy (05:44)
Yeah, that's a chapter in my book, ⁓ Living Life, you know, like it's Russia Roulette because I kept getting involved with toxic, unevolved men. And, you know, when you are hurt, you hurt other people. So I was not mindful of my body. ⁓ So, ⁓

As I said in my book, my choice of drugs was sex. That's how I was able to cope, because I didn't want drugs, the real drugs or alcohol. But drug is a drug is a drug or addiction is an addiction.

Jen (06:27)
That's right. Yeah. Yeah. So tell me a little bit more about, when you were, coming out of your teenage years and how life was for you. What was your experience?

Carolyn Murphy (06:42)
Well, because of the trauma, the layers of trauma, early on, I think I was in a sixth grade, I decided, my little mind decided that education was gonna be my way out. So I was determined to ⁓ excel in school and that's what I did. So I ended up cultivating a workaholic ⁓ attitude.

So I became a workaholic, a perfectionist, ⁓ and an overachiever. ⁓ I ended up graduating from high school valedictorian of my class, got a full scholarship to then the college was Memphis State University. ⁓ And of course I started working, but then I was just working so much trying to work one and two jobs, trying to go to school. It was crazy.

It was crazy.

Jen (07:42)
Yeah, you say the perfection side of things. ⁓ Perfection, for me, was always, I would think of what my mother would say, it was better to look good than to feel good. Showing to the world this perfect life, this perfect family that wasn't real. And perfection just weighs you down and it doesn't bring you anywhere in the end because you can't produce if you're constantly thinking that something needs to be perfect.

How can you produce, right?

Carolyn Murphy (08:16)
Yes, I was my own worst critic. As times are reflecting, years back, I remember hearing such a negative, poisonous talk that was spewed upon me. And in my mind, I had the mindset, I'm gonna show you more than I can tell you. And I didn't think

that that negative talk stuck. later, years later, I realized that ⁓ that talk created a seed and it went down in there because I began to spew on my own self, self-sabotage, that negative talk, which again is to perfectionist. So I tell people I'm a recovering perfectionist because that perfectionist side of me tries to rear its ugly head.

But I have to remind myself I've done my best and that's what is required of me to just do my best.

Jen (09:16)
think that perfectionism really comes from that trauma response, right? It feels so important, it feels so necessary to be perfect because there's this underlying shame that you never will be.

Carolyn Murphy (09:33)
Yes, it really stems from fear. And I had numerous fears, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of death. I mean, it was just unreal just how much bondage I was in when it came to fear. ⁓ So, you know, the fear of failure.

I would sabotage myself before you even had the opportunity to do it.

Jen (10:04)
Yeah, that makes sense. So with all of this fear in your body and your mind, you know that when we're living that complex PTSD, we're living it in our entire body. So how did the fear show up in your body?

Carolyn Murphy (10:27)
⁓ gosh, it was headaches for me. It was constant pain in my neck and shoulders and back. ⁓ And then of course, I internalized everything. I never did share the things that I was enduring. ⁓ I learned to wear a mask early on. I learned to wear a mask. I learned to keep deep secrets. And

So again, I internalized everything. And once I got older, ⁓ I started realizing that the head, the shoulders, the back, all that pain was there. And so that's one of the reasons why the Lord has me deep diving into fear, learning that there's a good fear and there's a bad fear or what they call chronic fear.

And that that's the fear that the Lord does not want us to dwell in because that fear, that damnable fear, that chronic fear, ⁓ it stops you in your tracks. It completely stifles you and it keeps you from learning who God is, learning to trust him. And it keeps you from building relationships. And so, ⁓

God was teaching me about fear as well as the walls we began to build to try to save ourselves. And those walls later become our comfort zone. But I, the Lord starts showing me those walls really began to really is our prison.

Jen (12:08)
That's powerful. Fear really is a prison, you know, because fear holds you in place, but not in a good place. And you can't let others know about your fear because then that makes you look weak, right? It's such a catch-22. There's really no, there's really nothing helpful.

Fear is a valid emotion. We all feel fear in ways that we're supposed to. It tells us that there may be a threat or something is taken away from us, something like that. But when you're steeped in fear constantly, this toxic fear, you become immobile.

Carolyn Murphy (13:03)
I totally agree. ⁓ I built these tall, huge walls that kept me trapped in. So I was in my comfort zone, which was my prison. But the fear was to shackles around my ankles and my wrists. So I was bound in my own prison. And so which I spent years on top of years.

in this place. And so it's like the Lord gives out, well, the Lord deals with me in visions and dreams, but more so visions. And I would see, I could literally see me moving in slow motion or just standing still while everybody that's outside of my comfort zone is just moving, they're living life, you know? And it's like, I desire to do that, but because the

fear has gripped me, it's like, no, I'd rather stay in my little box where I know I have control, which you really don't.

Jen (14:10)
It's interesting when you gave that visual, I was completely seeing it in my head, like in movies and TV when they show a person who's standing there and they have people moving ultra fast around them, right? That is the perfect visualization that you gave me there and it makes sense.

Carolyn Murphy (14:33)
And that's the fear and you know, and that's the thing. It's like, you have to get tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired before you truly move. And that's where I was in 2018. I got tired of missing out. I started thinking about all the possible opportunities that passed me up or I passed up. ⁓

I was in my late 40s and it was like, I'm not where I want to be, but that's because of me. So it was that man in the mirror moment. And it's still that time that man in the mirror is like, look, you're going to either do this or die. It just got that crucial for me.

Jen (15:24)
Wow. So what was the catalyst? What was the moment?

Carolyn Murphy (15:32)
Well, for me in 2018, it was so many things that happened in 2018. Everything from me losing my job, going months without any income coming in, the eviction notice coming in, and then my health. But I remember the Lord coming to me, the Holy Ghost coming to me and saying,

Give me your life. You have made a mess of it. Give it to me." And I'm like, yeah, I couldn't argue with them. I couldn't argue with them. And it's like, but I was just so tired in my soul, in my spirit from just trying to do everything myself. And that's why I love that picture. It's a silhouette of a woman that's being carried by Jesus. That is my favorite picture. And that

to me that is me because of just being purely exhausted. And so ⁓ just and it just that was the the combination everything missing out on opportunities not being where I thought I needed to be. And then the thing is my purpose. What was my purpose? And the Lord came to me and asked me about this story where's the

richest place on earth. And the Lord let me know it's the cemetery. And I'm like, wow, he's like the cemetery is the richest place on earth because of fear, because of doubt, people died with their purpose, dreams and aspirations. And I was like, I do not want to be one of those people. And I think that was the it for me.

Jen (17:27)
Yeah. You know, we have this parallel life, I feel like. Same thing happened with me in 2018. I lost my boutique. I had to go into bankruptcy. And everything just broke in my head. I couldn't think clearly. had the brain fog. I was exhausted. I couldn't communicate well.

And that's when my brain said, this is it, this is the right now for you. And it sounds like you had that come to you and it really made a big difference for you.

Carolyn Murphy (18:10)
Yes, I always knew that something was wrong when it comes to, you know, depression. I knew that I was depressed. But you know, when you don't know the terms, you don't know how to verbalize it. So I always knew that something was wrong with me. And but 2017, early 2017, I saw a class called the mental health first aid.

I read the class and it was like, I want to attend that. Later that year, I lost my mom in November, 2017. And I was like, Lord, I really want to attend this class because it was like a fire that sparked in me. And I was like, well, Lord, if it's meant for me to attend this class, because I was working at that time, I said, you will make a way. Well, January came.

And I think mid-January, late January, I was laid off from my job. So after the initial shock, it hit me. This is my opportunity to attend that class. It was an eight hour class that really just spelled out the signs and symptoms of someone that's in crisis, ⁓ substance abuse and mental health. And I mean, it just did something to me. It was an eight hour class and

It gave us the opportunity, if you want to go deeper, there is a 40 hour training ⁓ that I could attend. And I was able to attend the 40 hour training, ⁓ which spearheaded me to become a Tennessee certified peer. So that was the journey. That was the start of that journey.

Jen (20:02)
Tell me a bit more about that.

Carolyn Murphy (20:06)
Well, a peer is someone that uses their lived experience to encourage others on their recovery journey. I define it as me selling hope to those who are deficient in hope. That's how I describe it. Because when you get to a certain point, you do begin to feel hopeless. And so that's just me, I say, a hope dealer.

And so that's the essence of what a peer is, but we are heavy avocators of mental health and mental health resources. And for me being a Tennessee certified peer since 2018, before I even started any of my platforms, that's what I've always done, just tell people, you gotta go seek help. You can't do this by yourself.

And even though I was tiptoeing in it myself, but I was still advocating, you need help. If you see yourself saying this, doing that, you need help.

Jen (21:16)
Yeah, so you are, you're that beacon.

Carolyn Murphy (21:20)
Yes. ⁓ And I'm the type of person, because of the trauma, being in the background is what I desire. But the Lord told me about a year ago, he says, no more hiding. It's time to stop hiding. But about two years prior to that, he told me it's time to remove the mask. And I was like, OK, Lord. And so my beautiful, wonderful word is authenticity.

And it's so beautiful to me because I've spent my whole life hiding.

Jen (21:56)
Yeah, that's beautiful. Being your authentic self can be really hard and can be hard to find in the beginning. How do you think that you learned to be your most authentic self?

Carolyn Murphy (22:15)
wow. Being a recovery perfectionist, that's what makes it so hard. And so...

Me, cultivating my relationship with the Lord, me actually not just reading the word, but learning to believe what the word says about me. ⁓ Learning to ⁓ be honest and open with the Lord. I had to start that way first before I can really be open and honest with people. And so the thing was that I learned

that my relationship with him is most important. And once I could get that lined up, I learned that he'll give me favor with men or the humans. And the only person I needed to make happy was him. But prior to that, it was like I was a people pleaser also. So I ran myself in the ground trying to please everybody.

So it was a lot of things that I had that the shifting, the mind shift, it had to take place. So believing, truly believing and walking in the word when it came to believing in who I was. I think one of the things was I had to be open and honest with the Lord. And I remember asking the Lord, Lord, you still love me if I'm open and honest with you. He said, look at King David.

He said he displayed every emotion, every raw emotion there was. And he still, and I still called him a man after my own heart. And just those commolation of things just really helped me to just start melting down.

Jen (24:12)
people pleasing. We can get into that. I think many, many, many of us who have gone through childhood trauma grew to be people pleasers because of the environment we were in. I struggle all the time every day about being a people pleaser. You know, just even to the point where back when I was having that

crisis, that identity crisis, I still had to tell myself that I'm doing this work on myself for others. You know, was, it was, it's really interesting that I keep going back to that. But of course it's, it's how I grew up. It's how, you know, people accepted me is what I think. I don't think that necessarily is the truth, but I think in my subconscious, if I wasn't a people pleaser, people wouldn't like me.

Carolyn Murphy (25:11)
Yeah, it's sad that and that's why I'm so open and honest with my journey. You know, the enemy in my head is like, nobody's going to listen to you. You don't have anything worth to say. And I have to, again, reflect back on that's not true. And I had to reflect on the fact that God is the one that commissioned me to start this journey. And somewhere down the road, once

enough healing has happened. The Lord said, now it's time to tell your story. And so I've had people to ask me, why did you write that book? Even though it's just seven chapters, but it's quite revealing. And it's just a snapshot of my life. But like I told them, the Lord let me know that was the taking back of my voice. That was a part of my healing journey. And I let people, let other women know that may not be a part of your healing journey, but it was a part of mine.

So I stress to anybody on their healing journey, your journey is your journey. Nobody else has anything to do with it.

Jen (26:20)
That's right. Everybody's healing journey is so personal and so intimate. And it's important to allow people to have their own path in healing. There's no right or wrong way, and we have no reason to tell anybody how to heal. So tell us a little bit more about the book. It's called God, Why Did You Save Me?

Carolyn Murphy (26:46)
That is a profound title in and of itself. I've had many people to ask me, why did you name this book that? First, I really didn't know. I knew that the Lord is the one that instructed me to name the book, but more and more people began to ask me why, and then they assumed it was something spiritual. And I finally went to the Lord. I'm like, Lord, why did you have me to name the book this?

And so the Lord reminded me, that is the question that I asked him when I was eight years old. ⁓ I had two siblings to perish in a house fire. Prior to that, when I was two, I had another sibling to die from ⁓ brain tumors. So it was just one tragic event after another. And so the...

Before I turned eight, my prayer was, Lord, let me die in my sleep every night, every night. But in every day I woke up, I was mad at God because I had to wake up and live this life all over again. Well, even though I woke, was awakened and jumped up and went and said the house was on fire after I guess I calmed down, was like that was my opportunity to die.

I should have been the one to die in the house fire than my siblings. And I began to ask the Lord, and that's when the Lord revealed to me, you asked me, why did I save you out of the fire? And I'm like, ⁓ wow. So that's the basis behind the name.

Jen (28:33)
Wow, so that you could bring this into the world for others.

Carolyn Murphy (28:41)
It's a, this is a tough subject. And I asked, constantly asked the Lord, why me, why me? And he kept coming back, why not you?

And you can't argue with that. You don't even know how to respond to that. So that's why the mind shifting was constant. You have to wake up every day and make the decision. Okay, Lord, I'm going to trust your word. I'm going to read your word. I'm going to say my affirmations. I'm going to practice self-care, which is cumulating some of everything, the journaling, the walking, the mindfulness.

That's why your healing journey is so personal because you have to decide what's going to be in your ⁓ wellness toolbox. You can try many things, but you're the one that has to ultimately decide what's gonna help you on your healing journey.

Jen (29:43)
And it sounds like faith is really ⁓ the most important part of this for you and how it has led you through your healing journey. I think that having faith is important no matter what type of faith it is, right? When people lose faith, that's when everything becomes hopeless. So having some sort of faith in your life, be it religion, spirituality,

or a belief in you as a person and who you are. I think it's so important that we always have a bit of faith to lead us.

Carolyn Murphy (30:24)
Yes. And that's how I approach the coaching because I'm a new Christian life coach. And ⁓ so I built my coaching program around the fact that your why has to be stronger than your situation. Your why has to be so strong and anchor because you going through your healing journey is going to be a many, many times you want to quit.

and turn around and walk away.

Jen (30:55)
yes.

Carolyn Murphy (30:56)
It's gonna be, so I tell people, you figure out what your why is because you're gonna need it. You're going to need it. And those cumulation of things we talked about was my why, but the top part of it, it's just, didn't wanna die not knowing what my purpose was and walking in it.

Jen (31:21)
I think, you when I found my purpose, I felt like a new person. When I realized it, it gave me strength and energy and ⁓ fuel to drive me to complete that purpose or continue through that purpose. ⁓ So yeah, I agree. It's profound when you find your purpose and

want to continue on with it so that it drives you.

Carolyn Murphy (31:55)
Yes, yes. speaking of fear, and we were talking about just how deep fear was driving me. The Lord gave me my signature talk is I broke up with fear. And my signature phrase is your pain, your purpose is greater than your, than the pain. Your purpose is greater than the pain. ⁓ I used to say your pain, that's taken ownership.

and I no longer wanted to take ownership of the paint.

Jen (32:27)
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's a beautiful idea. Like, it's a beautiful ideal, right, for us to continue forward and believe in ourselves and understand that we have something to give to others in this world.

Carolyn Murphy (32:49)
Yes, yes, even if it's just a hug or a smile, we have plenty to give. It's not all about money.

Jen (32:58)
No, no. I think the most important parts of my life are the relationships that I have and the love that I give and get from those. They are a driving force for me. My kids, know, just seeing the smile on their face or hearing the, loved you, It's what makes me feel

Like I can get up in the morning even when I don't feel like I can. Right? It gets me moving. I have days with my healing journey. Everybody knows healing journeys are a roller coaster ride. They're ups and downs, right? And on those down days, I have to remind myself that even though I don't feel like I'm giving to this world, I have made a difference in

the people I love their lives.

Carolyn Murphy (33:57)
Yes, the other part of my why was my son's. I was a single mom. So you know, toxicity, breeds other toxicity. And so my mom was a single mom. I was a single mom, but I was determined that I did not want to keep this generational curse going. I'm thankful that I have two boys.

⁓ But I did not want them, I didn't want to afflict my pain on them. So they were my other piece of the why, because I desire such a close, intimate, healthy relationship with them. So this is why the business was created and this is why my relationship with my sons, they were so important to me that I wanted to, for my sons, I wanted to be the mom that I didn't have.

And for those that the Lord has me ⁓ ministering to, I wanted to be the person. I wanted to create the services that I wished I had. So no one else could have to suffer as long as I did.

Jen (35:08)
Yep, agreed. Same single mom, two boys, you know, just working as hard as I can to make sure that they don't feel the way that I felt as a child. And I don't blame my, well, I don't blame my mother for it. My mother was doing what she could. She, you know, she had no idea how to raise three kids after her husband was thrown out of

the home for abuse, right? And so she made choices that ⁓ I decided that I was going to lean away from. yeah, again, I don't necessarily blame her for it, but I learned what I needed to do as a mother to help my children get through it.

Carolyn Murphy (36:03)
Yeah. And I'm like you, because the Lord always talks about forgiving. And that was another big portion of me moving forward was forgiving. And in my mind, I didn't hurt people like people hurt me. And so the Lord was showing me, he said, when you are in your trauma response, you have fear, anger, and bitterness.

So I did hurt a lot of people, even though it stemmed from other things. so I had to, I remembered that I hated my mom. I grew up literally hating her. And so as I got older, I had to lay that to rest. I had to forgive her because again, I found out that she was dealing with her own trauma. And so once I saw my healing journeys, like I stepped out of my body,

And I saw how I used to act. The harsh words that used to come out of my mouth. And the Lord said, look at your mom. He said, no, look at her. And when I looked at her, I saw me and I was like, my God, she's dealing with her own trauma that she'd never talked about. But I saw it in her actions. And that was the, that was the melting of the hard heart that I had towards her.

Jen (37:24)
Yeah.

same. Yep. Yeah. and I feel so much lighter for it. You know, when it comes to forgiveness, there's a, there are a few people out there I don't have that for, I don't feel as though I, have to forgive them ⁓ because you can, you can heal yourself and still understand that people harmed you. It's just not allowing it to affect you.

once you realize that.

Carolyn Murphy (38:02)
Yeah, I just, I decided I don't want any more hindrances in my life because I had hindered myself for most of my life. And so again, just taking the word and truly embracing it. Like it says, it would make my latter years greater than my former years. And I'm like, God, I hope you do because my former years were horrible.

And so that's why I'm pushing myself. I'm constantly breaking up with fear every day. It's not just a one-time decision. It's a declaration. But there are many fears that we have to break up with every day.

Jen (38:46)
Breaking Up With Fear is such a great, yeah, that's the title of the show. Breaking Up With Fear, it's powerful, it's profound, and it's true.

Carolyn Murphy (38:59)
Yes. Again, because breaking up with fear, hinders your physical relationships, as well as your spiritual relationship. The fear keeps you from coming out of your comfort zone. It keeps you from ⁓ experiencing new experiences. I mean, it just completely hinders you. And again, you have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired of life just passing you by.

Jen (39:28)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Wow, Carolyn, you're an amazing woman with so much to give and share. Tell us how we can reach you, how we can find you out there.

Carolyn Murphy (39:43)
Social media right now. I don't have a website, but social media Facebook linked in Instagram, Tick Tock. The name of the business is firm foundations, Co Co. And I go by Carolyn J Murphy because there are other Carolyn Murphy's that I saw. So those are the ways that you can find me.

Jen (40:11)
Wonderful, and I will have that all in the show notes, especially the book. So thank you so much for coming on the show and having this conversation with me. It was so powerful and profound.

Carolyn Murphy (40:26)
⁓ thank you. It was my pleasure. Because I deem it an honor just to be on your platform because I'm like you. I want to reach other women and that's part of the dedication page to reach those women that are hiding in the shadows of fear and shame. To let them know that there is life on the other side of trauma, but you gotta do the work.

Jen (40:45)
Hmm.

That's right, you gotta do the work and it can be hard and there'll be the ups and downs of it, but it's all worth it.

Carolyn Murphy (41:00)
and to remember that they're not alone.

Jen (41:03)
That's right. Thank you so much, Carolyn.

Carolyn Murphy (41:07)
You are welcome. It's my pleasure.

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (41:14)
Thank you for joining us for this episode of the podcast. This show is produced by Phoenix Freed LLC, and I'm your producer, Jen Ginty We hope you found today's conversation insightful and inspiring. If you have a story of your own about when a not yet moment became a right now, we encourage you to reach out and share it. You can find more information about being a guest on our show at whennotyetbecomesrightnow.com. Remember, you are not alone on your journey, whether it's a journey of healing,

growth or transformation. Every story matters. Thank you for listening and we'll catch you next time with another inspiring episode.