Surviving the Impact: Trauma, Healing and Hope with Nicholas P. Ruchlewicz

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (00:00)
Welcome to When Not Yet Becomes Right Now, the podcast where we dive deep into the moments of transformation, the times when not yet shifts into right now and everything changes. I'm your host, Jen Ginty, and this podcast is all about those pivotal moments in our life journeys. You know the ones, when the hesitation fades, when we take that first step, even if it feels like a leap. It's in these moments that growth and healing begins. Each episode will explore stories of resilience,

moments of clarity, and the sparks that ignite real change. From personal experiences to expert insights, we'll uncover how people navigate the complex journey we call life and come out stronger on the other side. Whether you're searching for that spark in your own life or just curious about how change unfolds for others, you're in the right place. We'll discuss the ups and downs, the breakthroughs and setbacks, and how to embrace the right now, even when it feels out of reach. Because sometimes,

The hardest part of the journey is realizing that the moment you've been waiting for has already arrived. So take a deep breath, settle in, and let's get started.

Jen (01:08)
Hello and welcome to When Not Yet Becomes Right Now. I am your host Jen Ginty and today I have an incredible guest with us, Nicholas Ruklewicz is an avid tabletop role player and music lover.

and also a trauma and brain injury survivor. After a life-changing motorcycle crash, he faced a long and difficult recovery, battling severe anxiety and depression along the way. Through his journey, he's become a dedicated mental health advocate using his experience to support others in recovery and isolation. Nicholas has shared his story with international organizations, political leaders, and even the US Congress, inspiring change and connection.

through his powerful voice. Welcome, Nicholas.

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (01:53)
Thank you, Jen. I appreciate it.

Jen (01:55)
Yes, yes, let's get into it. What is your origin story?

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (02:01)
⁓ Well, I'm a Northern Virginia, Washington DC native ⁓ I was a Going about my daily life. I had a really ⁓ rough ⁓ situation a rough separation about a little over ten years ago and 15 years ago, I guess at this point and things seemed to be

kind of all over the place. I was fortunate enough to find different type of support through mental health and therapy, which was great. I started doing really well, my separation, got a great new aspect on life, and I really always wanted a motorcycle, so let me get a motorcycle. I was really excited, I rode for about a year. It was great, so I finally ⁓ got my own new bike and ⁓

It was snowed in March, which was not uncommon for this area. And I didn't want to mess up the paint. So I just kept riding around my storage unit I got that I had all my stuff in. And nobody really knows what happened. But 731, the last time they saw me on camera, and then the paramedics showed they're about 1123. So about four hours, I...

I was lying there. So I impacted a wall. ⁓ I separated my pelvic circle. I broke my sacroiliac. I crushed my left orbital. I had a massive concussion, right side brain bleed, subdermal hematoma. So I say just a little bit of trauma. was taken, fortunate again, circumstances, luck is a residue of design, one of the ⁓ many terms I've learned. But I was very close to...

the level one trauma center in Fairfax, Virginia, Inova Fairfax. I was taken right to the trauma unit. They were concerned about the bone. Did a bone pierce my brain where it was? Fortunately, they didn't actually have to have any brain surgery, just ⁓ facial repair. There was a lot of swelling and the bleed wasn't good. But I was never in a coma.

just wasn't cognizant. And I talk a lot about music through my rehab and people and it's really interesting. my Pandora station, my girlfriend would play at the time. was typo negative radio, lot of typo negative lacuna coil and ⁓ know, gothic rock. And ⁓ it was interesting. So when the pain would be that you could see my blood pressure rise, but when she put my music on it, literally lowered it. It lowered my blood pressure when I wasn't cognizant. But

That's when I was able to, again, I don't really know what happened. wasn't kind of as people said, we're gonna go to dinner and just try to talk to me like a child. And then that's where I woke up and I was taken to an acute rehab hospital. I had to relearn how to stand, walk, relax, see, I saw two of everything. I had to relearn how to use my eyes.

I wasn't able to walk for 12 weeks? So I had to relearn how to walk again when you don't use your body It's tend to hard to use it right side injury left side negligence So I don't have full feeling currently even in you know probably forever on my left side But I just it kind of flopped around You know two weeks in patient learning it and then all of a sudden you're you're released to live in the world go back and

you know, home is everybody's excited to go home, but it's homes a very different thing when you are in a bad situation. I, I was very fortunate a lot and what really helped inspire me to want to do better is so there's a peer mentoring at the acute rehab hospital I do. And I was only able to go into the one for

probably about five minutes. was in a lot of pain. I don't call it pain anymore. I call it being uncomfortable. Um, cause pain will have too much power over me. So I was uncomfortable. Um, but I was, this woman spoke about, uh, she had a brain aneurysm and she was a math instructor and it was left side. So she didn't really know what numbers were, everything else. And so now she had to refigure it all out. And I just hearing a five minute conversation with her inspired me to say, you know what I can

I can do this if, know, I can't calm down, I can't relax, I can't concentrate, but this person had to overcome so much. you know, ⁓ another mentor later on said, why not me? So I kind of took on that mantle. Why not me? I might as well handle it. And I've been through some pretty lousy stuff. It's a, you know, it's a club.

I didn't want to join, but it's a family I don't want to leave. mean, it's real high, real high entry fee, but it's been a very, it's been a very fun, crazy road. through speaking out loud, like to talk a lot, ⁓ through talking to others and sharing my story, that's where I've actually had the ability to reach out and meet new people. again, advocate through state delegates to, I did go.

to the US Congress to speak to different senators and staffers about the importance of having national trauma. ⁓ was ⁓ Miss Amelia Clark, Game of Thrones. She started an organization in Britain after her brain aneurysm and I was featured with them and I worked with ⁓ their facility for different studies on couples in brain injury.

very good friends with international band and she was gracious enough to speak to me about my brain injury and their music in my recovery. And I keep trying to look and do more and figure out the why not me should be a, I should do it, I can do it and try to stay out of the, not be too comfortable, but.

I'm not afraid to fail and I will fail first. I will just go forward and figure it out. yeah, so that's a pretty quick, easy nine years and six months.

Jen (08:47)
There's so much to unpack. And I listened to your talk and it made me so emotional to listen to it. And there's so many different things I want to discuss. But I think the thing that I find most important is that you found community. I talk about it a lot in this show, that community really can make so much of a difference.

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (09:06)
much.

Jen (09:15)
in someone's life. When I was a kid, I hated group therapy. Didn't want to go to it. I was like, I just want to go outside, have a cigarette, and chill out. Why do I have to sit in this place with a bunch of other teenagers? But when I was older and I started group therapy when I went inpatient, I realized that that community was there as a support system as well.

people who had been through the same things that I had been through, had the same diagnoses as me, the same triggers, all these different things that was community to me instead of being that repellent that it was when I was a kid.

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (10:02)
The community is definitely something that has changed me and helped me through so much. One of the things I talk to patients about are, ⁓ you know, the nice thing is, nice thing, but we're very isolated in our situation and one thing that we can show others is how to beat isolation and we can also show each other empathy through it. So I am a member of a ⁓ rehab mentoring program.

I'm also a member of National Trauma Survivors Network where we do speak with trauma, other trauma survivors. I'm actually, fortunately enough, I'm seeing them in two days. And it's interesting because nine years ago, I mean, I can never imagine my life without these people now. I they are so important to me and there's no way our paths would have ever crossed before through it. And it is nice to be safe and not everyone.

has every trauma is different, everyone's injury is different, everyone's illness is different, but there's so many lines that are the same. And that's what we really bond in with each other for and the hope and caring through it. And then another aspect I always joke, my nerd street cred's pretty high, but my gaming was a big part of my rehab too, a big community there. So I would play tabletop games, it's called Pathfinder.

And so we play and I would go to public events and it was very hard at the time because a lot of noise, a lot of movement, I was still in a wheelchair, but everything I did, I would always try to make as as a therapy. I would always move pieces with my left hand because I don't have full control over it. ⁓ Right side brain injury has a hard time sometimes going between analytical and creative. So what a very easy, interesting way of looking at the two and trying to define those thoughts.

being in louder environments to do it. And that really was a great community for me to help grow. And now through that organization, I volunteer for ⁓ Pisa the publisher and we help run games all up and down the East coast. So again, it's in some really, really neat ways that I've taken this horrible thing that's happened to me and made it my own story. tell other survivors this, said,

You know, we control the narrative, we control the story. So I always just speak about, I'd like to stand in front of it and say, there's a, you know, I have a handful of tattoos. One tattoo I have is on my wrist. So the green is mental health and then the semi-colon suicide ideation is to show people that, hey, you know, you're not alone in this and, know.

your event, your injury, whatever was a period. It's just a semicolon, it's just a comma, it's just part of your story. So again, that's the important thing about when you're able to open up, that's how people can really reflect back into you as a community. because they can see you, they can see your vulnerabilities there for your strength.

Jen (13:10)
Yes, yes, I also have a semicolon. I have a semicolon on my ankle and it connects my son's two ⁓ symbols. ⁓ One is a Pisces and one is a Virgo. And so I created it so that the ⁓ semicolon attaches to those two. And I think it's really important because I see them as the reason why I continued on.

And so they are the reason for that semicolon because I myself have had, I'm a survivor of multiple attempts and I live with suicidal ideation on a regular basis. So when I was really, really, really low, I went out with a friend and I got that ⁓ tattoo to just remind myself that there is something to live for. My boys are something to live for.

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (14:04)
That's awesome. I'm proud of you for that. it's hard to accept. Sometimes it's hard to accept that vulnerability and it's hard to look at that. And many of us struggle with it. And one of the therapies, again, for me has been music and really looking at that and looking at some of the, I'm probably wife laughs. I like too many dirges. I like very dirge. And I was like, well, people can tend to write.

Jen (14:29)
Mm-hmm. We're on the same thing there.

I'm a goth girl. Goth slash industrial, that's my thing.

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (14:35)
I mean, so am I. It's, yeah. Well, you've

heard my interviews. You probably know the bands I listen to. they are very, like you go low and that's what Miss Christina said. know, she's like, as low as you go, you can go up from there. And ⁓ their latest album, ⁓ I took a lot of different lyrics and put it in my webinar. I mixed in like seven different songs worth of lyrics in that webinar because

Jen (14:44)
Yes.

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (15:03)
the song was about anxiety and depression for the anxiety and depression, so she's from America conference. figured, let me be creative. So.

Jen (15:13)
Nice, yes. And you you also talked about, I want to talk more about the music. Absolutely, because I'm the same thing. My trauma, I survived most of my trauma through my music and I'm starting a sleeve of music groups that got me through when I was a kid and a teenager. I started with Nine Inch Nails. There you go. I'm going to do Depeche Mode. I'm going to do The Cure and have Tool, all these different ones.

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (15:19)
No worries, of course.

Thank

Jen (15:42)
I want to talk about you had said in your talk that you like to use, ⁓ you know, comedy when you're discussing what you went through. You like to use, you know, that kind of tone. Can you talk about why you feel you want to use that when you talk about it?

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (16:04)
Sure, and I'm a real funny guy. It's pretty natural, but you know I've learned a lot ⁓ through my communication with others and it's interesting I tell people too that I'm my trauma my speech therapy actually helped me better at my work and my business you know business sense ⁓ my professional work, but When you can make someone laugh They can hear things a little different

Jen (16:04)
is that natural for you?

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (16:33)
It's something psychological that happens when they laugh, they'll be able to handle something a little bit more uncomfortable. And I do that with clients a lot and I'll say something and I'll just make a quip and have them laugh. then I'll, you know, here it is, you know, it's like the sandwich technique. You got to start with a little bit of ⁓ the bun, a little nice, and then the terrible meat of it. And then you got to finish it off with a joke and here's your resolution. So.

Laughing at it has helped because it also takes the power away from whatever it's it takes the trauma the event I just take it away and you know I learned a wonderful technique from one of my speech therapists You know called stop and deflect where you know you're you know When someone's telling you something instead of me saying no, I don't want to hear about it I'll say you know that really sucks, but

You can you believe this rain we've been getting? It's crazy. So you are acknowledging them and then you are able to deflect it something else. And comedy and laughing about it does the same thing. You're able to...

You are able to kick the tires out and from it when they can laugh and then You know you laughing at it means it doesn't have power over you and therefore that is how you again can help take the Control is such a false term you can ⁓ Take it back wherever do and help lay it out again It's it is navigating your own way and your own part of your story because when you're able to do that you're the one that are

the biographer, nobody else.

Jen (18:17)
Makes sense. And what's the saying if I'm not laughing, I'm crying? I kind of go along with that as well. Right. mean, hey, we all go through the motions. Trauma in itself creates depression, anxiety. How does it, how, I'm just not sure. Is there...

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (18:23)
I is that why I laughed? Yeah, I guess I do that a lot too. ⁓

Jen (18:44)
more of a similarity of like someone who's gone through a mental trauma and or a physical like a brain trauma? Are they similar or two totally separate kinds of trauma in the brain? How it how it processes?

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (19:00)
⁓ I don't know. ⁓ So traumatic brain injury, trauma is, everything is in a way, it's all loss and grief. It's loss of a normalcy, a loss of where you are. And there is trauma, there is compounded trauma that we all go through. And then there is an event that's a traumatic event. So obviously mine was a crash, traumatic event, that was there. Did I have trauma before that?

Absolutely. My divorce was very hurtful and very spiteful. And there was a lot of other stuff growing up that was traumatic But, know, through those events, I've been able to. I'm still standing on my own and I know there was tons of support along the way, but. You know, I don't I don't like listing with not a competition about look what I've been through trying to list all that, but.

Jen (19:55)
who?

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (19:57)
saying that ⁓ I'm very proud of what I went through because I also know that's why I'm here right now. So people when they say, I'm so sorry you did that, I'm so sorry that happened to you. And that is them being very kind and compassionate for it. But I am not sorry. I'm sorry for the effect it had on my family because I know if one of those things wasn't there, I wouldn't be where I am today. So as hard as it was through that trauma through

violence when I was in high school against me to, you know, ⁓ mental with exes or, or quote unquote friends to traumatic brain injury that that was all compounded and was able to deliver. I can't say when anybody else was going through, I could just say what I'm going through. And that's the experience that we share in, trauma community and

I've learned a lot through my advocacy, through going and trying to advocate for and rally for others. ⁓ trauma is the number one cause of death between 18 and 45. That is the number one cause of death. So it is a big thing. And ⁓ traumatic brain injuries are male. Traumatic brain injury survivors are twice as likely.

an average male to ⁓ commit ⁓ to die by suicide. I don't like saying commit, die by suicide ⁓ because of just the emptiness that's there. And I don't talk about my brain injury. try not to talk about how dark it is because it gets very scary because I still remember that. Again, even though was never in coma, I still fear that nothing. ⁓

Jen (21:29)
⁓

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (21:51)
⁓ the nothing over that from their running stories the nothing it's always seen it's out there it's the nothing there but there's always something

Jen (22:01)
You're right, there is. I like to use the phrase, everyone has their own pain, because I don't like to compare pain. I've told the story before about ⁓ when I was in college, I had to put my abuser in prison. And I left for the day, put him in prison and went back to school. And one of my best friends was at another school and she was coming to visit me. And as she's walking up, roommate,

ran up to her and said, I have the worst headache in the world. it's just so awful. And my friend goes, I'm here to see Jen. You know, this is, she went through something really hard. And she said to me, how can you stand something like that? And I said, well, everyone has their own pain. Her pain right now feels to her the way that my pain felt earlier in the day. You know, it's hard to compare people's pain.

whether it's physical or emotional, mental. And there really is no way that we can possibly compare.

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (23:08)
I read ⁓ something once, like the fifth sense that talked about pain being its own sense and ⁓ it said by the trauma survivors, know, when we spoken about it, you can't really remember pain. ⁓ It's just this fear that it's there. We can't really remember what we went through. It says that fear that how painful it was. And you're right, each of us has our own pain threshold and.

When people tell me about, oh, I hurt my leg. It's like, no, I'm so sorry. Nothing like you went through. don't think, whoa, you were allowed your own pain, 100%. I am not taking that from you. I'm just letting you know that I'm here with you to find ways to do it. I people to be very careful with. Again, that's why I don't let it have control over me. That's why I say I'm uncomfortable because pain has such a terrible connotation to it in our language. And I remember

Jen (23:41)
Right.

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (24:02)
So I was on a lot of different pain medicines, after crushing your skull and your pelvis. And I did not want to take them because of ⁓ a previous person in my life, their abuse of pain pills. So I didn't want to take it. And a nurse told me one time, listen, your brain doesn't heal if you're in pain. You must do this. So what I did was I made sure I wrote down every time I took a pill. Waited I took a pill. And...

I was moving out of my apartment years later and I found that notepad and it was shocking because I could see how often I took it and see myself wane off. And the last time I took one was July of 2019. I ⁓ know that date very well. I remember taking it and I hated it. But I still have my safe, if I'm in a lot of pain.

If I can't take anymore, I do know where I'm going to be okay. But it's just, I have that in my mind and it's something that I've been able to go through. I've learned a lot of different techniques through, it's more of a meditation technique, but I try to concentrate a different part of my body. So I just put all my effort in like my little right toe. just put all the effort. So I've had some very uncomfortable procedures done to me or injections, whatever, but.

I don't flinch because I'm just focusing just on that little toe because it's how different monks have been able to do that when they've gone through these trials. They'll focus on a different part of their body because when your mind's not looking at it, you tend not to be able to give it the weight it really needs.

Jen (25:48)
I had a ⁓ situation where I had two back surgeries that left me in so much pain. And my children were really young. They were, think, five and three. And I have, on both sides of my family, we have addiction issues. So I did not want to take the meds. And it was 2009, and that's when the whole thing of, you can't get hooked on a care, whatever, the pain, the pill that they say you won't get.

stuck on and I was just so much fear that if I took too much that I was going to get hooked. So I completely understand that and you know I think it's really important that we talk about our different ways that we learn to survive. So that idea of putting all of your effort into your little toe.

is a great idea. I would love to learn more about that. For me, I say I live with complex PTSD and depression because I won't suffer from it.

So I feel like it's very similar to your thought process, right?

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (27:04)
Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's again, everybody's pain's their own and it's I, I respect it. And so that's the thing too. I respect my pain. I know where it is. And if I don't think about it, it's not there. I found out before when I started talking about what was going on, can literally start feeling your hurt more and more when I'm more I spoke about it. So I do say I'd lock it away. I know where it is. I respect it. So when it starts flaring up some, I that's where I'll

It's a reminder about how maybe I'm doing too much. ⁓ I say this to patients. Sometimes when you look down, this doesn't work, this hurts, this hurts, this hurts, we forget to look behind us about how far we've come. Because ⁓ the one thing, as many things I say a lot, but I promise everybody that today will never happen again. Time cannot repeat.

Let a day be a day. Have a bad day. It's okay to have a bad day. And I promise you, the sun will rise tomorrow. So me, yes, trying to, actually that really helped me through my trauma and my divorce. Just trying to say, okay, just let it go. Just, know what, tomorrow, know, will rise tomorrow, I promise you. Let me just go to bed and I promise it will be up differently. So.

Jen (28:13)
This too shall pass.

Yeah. Let's talk about music. Music, ⁓ how it affects you when you've been through trauma is amazing. So for you, your girlfriend played music that literally changed your brainwaves.

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (28:53)
Yes, it's crazy because I I literally listen to music every night. That's what plays I need it now to relax to calm down when I'm working at home in my office Whatever. I always have to play in the background because it helps me take away It's a white noise at this point. I need it and it really does help me get away. So before my trauma I did ⁓ I listened to music a lot because I was

I was stuck. I was in a dark place. So I would always take my dogs out for a walk and just put on my music. And it's actually music that really helped me. It was Alice in Chains nutshell that made me realize I need to get separated because it was just my gift of self is right. If I can't be my own, then I'd be better dead. And I was like, I need to. I have a pair of, have a crack. I have crushed a nutshells on my ankle to remind me to say, you know what? it's.

It's okay, it's and that's where people writing about their pain and through music has really helped me take that step to say, okay, you know, I promise other people feel this way because a write about and that's what something that's very powerful when they can take that and do it.

Jen (30:10)
Nutshell is my song that I go to when I'm at my lowest. I'll listen. And yeah, and then, you know, I actually go in that opposite direction. I don't listen to positive music when I'm really, really low. ⁓

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (30:14)
Wow, that's a.

Either do I, ⁓

Jen (30:26)
And people

are horrified by it. They're like, listen to ministry. You listen to Nine Inch Nails. You listen to Tool. And I'm like, yeah, because I feel like getting down into that sharing, that emotion with the song, with the artist actually makes me feel less alone.

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (30:48)
It's again everybody has different their own music and it's funny you say Depeche Mode So Depeche Mode is actually that's how I found out about my current, know, the most active band That's my favorite right now that I'm friends with look in a coil They had a song a cover ⁓ Enjoy the silence Christina did it and that's what got me was like so as I tell people if you want interested in heavy metal listen to cover songs because you're

Jen (31:08)
Yes.

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (31:15)
your brain will start hearing it and she is a very wonderful female vocalist. And so it's very easy to hear. And again, like one of the nicest people, but you know, through that music, again, I remember walking my dogs and just listening to my, you know, typo negative October rust and just listening to, you know, the very darkness that it was there because again,

Peter was a very, very dark and he was a troubled man, but he wrote about it in such a ⁓ rare, pure form of it. And learning about that, looking at different music and then through my trauma, it's interesting. So I say the band, there's a song called Trip the Darkness. And I said to the band, said, that's like the opposite of going through.

Traumatic brain injury so is climbing through the darkness. It's leaving it there It's crawling out of the the madness that was the my mind trying to get out of it so again music has been a way that I've been able to pull threads on and You know go and lyrics are very powerful for that even if I don't Know so I like all the vocals sometimes in certain ones. It's the lyrics that really can They they speak to me truly. It's and I really use those

quite a bit and I'm very lucky that I have this very, it's not easy, nothing's easy, but I have this really good ability to start looking at a bigger picture. I'm looking at lyrics or a word or verse and just being able to focus on it and then put myself in that situation about how did I get through it? So we are liking that. I like to go as low as I can because everything's better. It'll get better from there.

you know, tomorrow will come.

Jen (33:11)
Yeah,

yes, yes. And the Violator Rose is my next tattoo. So I'm excited for that because Depeche Mode really, really was one of the biggest bands for me getting me through my abuser and getting me through the, you know, going to put him in prison, all that kind of stuff. was important for me. ⁓ And so...

You said that it changed like the brain waves while you were listening to that. Do you have an understanding of how that works?

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (33:48)
⁓ Nope, I so it's familiar. It's familiar sounds and it brought You know your your your mind remember things where it doesn't happen zero actually the the you might have seen I did a keynote speech at a brain injury conference but it was a woman that actually spoke about music and brain injuries and You know how you know it can help but from my aspect

Many of us can probably go back to when we listen to like one of our favorite songs in the car, drive windows down, whatever, and has that nice memory for it. So, ⁓ or music can pull the certain part of our life where we remember hearing something that one time that just changed it all. Because I heard nutshell hundreds of times, but I heard it one time and it was that hearing it that once that I was like.

I was frozen, I just played it over and over again and I was like, okay, is, you hearing it once can change it. So music has that ability to do it and I think subconsciously it is playing in there and you can pull to familiar times. I've said it to patients and others, you might never have someone said, you might forget if someone did, but you'll never forget how someone made you feel.

Music is the same way music can help you pull you out of Something that's pretty hard. So maybe subconsciously you can still hear it and it's able to do it But again, I have zero medical knowledge of it I just know that it what worked for me and I'm lucky enough it did

Jen (35:29)
Yes, yes, and I could go on forever about music. I could talk days about it. Yes.

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (35:32)
So good night. We'll have to talk about, we'll have to do comparisons afterwards, it's different. I'll give you

a handful of stuff to listen to and give me your, and vice versa.

Jen (35:40)
Yes, I want

to hear this group that you're in contact with. They sound amazing. But let's talk about, so you started working with other patients ⁓ and you became a mentor. When did you decide to get into the advocacy part of it?

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (35:59)
⁓ The advocacy part of it, ⁓ I think it was just natural. ⁓ I say I have no shame. Is it no shame? I'm always the person just to stand up and say, I tell people at work, remember, I say the quiet stuff loud. So it's just who I am. now, so my trauma taught me one thing.

many things. One of the things that taught me was I was not invisible. I used to think I was invisible. That's 100 % not true. I know I'm not invisible. And that is something that really helped me realize that now the world, I'm on the world stage now. Everybody sees me. I'm no longer this person that, so now I took this, you know what? Again, I'm going to just stand in front of it and be it. I will be this.

you know, image for mental health, this male mental health, traumatic brain injury, whatever, I will do it. So when I find little ways of coming about it, and I'm like, you know what, let me try something and then I'll ask. So I speak probably too much about my brain injury, but again, that's, I talk about it a lot because it is something that I'm very proud of being, it also helps me reflect about how far I've come.

⁓ And I want others to know it also breaks the mold. I people like you don't have a brain injury like no I do well you sound different like But again, you've many people think this is how brain injuries are I've met people who it's very difficult to hear and understand them But they understand every single thing that they are that I am saying and when people discount them like they are mentally incapable

It is beyond hurtful. so again, talking to patients allows me to like, I learned just always look at someone directly at them and acknowledge them. And then you're also showing them to be more human or accepting and more, just anything. So the advocacy part came about just naturally of wanting to help make a difference because I never wanted someone to feel alone. That's not possible, but.

I knew, again, I was trapped in my own mind. I was trapped in this very little world that I was in. And that was not easy for anyone. And so I didn't want people to feel alone in this situation.

Jen (38:37)
Yeah, and you're doing the good job there. When we can advocate for others, we're also advocating for ourselves, right?

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (38:49)
Correct, yes. And I think sometimes doing that also reminds myself of where I am. Forget to remind myself, this is how far you've come.

Jen (38:59)
I think I have, like, I do advocate, I learned throughout the years, throughout my life, that I can advocate for myself. And you're right, that feeling of invisibility is devastating. And, you know, one of the things that I always felt when I was a child was that I wasn't loved and that I didn't deserve love. And I think that's similar to feeling invisible.

You know, we all deserve love. We all deserve to be seen.

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (39:32)
I said goodbye to my old champ, my pup in 2021. It was hard. It's compound grief. He was there through everything. separate, my marriage, my divorce, my trauma, everything else. But I saw a pet loss therapist and ⁓ they said that Aries allowed you to ⁓ feel like you were allowed to be loved.

He allowed you to make you knew that you were allowed to ⁓ Deserve love and that really meant a lot and you know you said something a second ago, there's Through my advocacy through talking. I was literally in National Harbor Outside of DC and there's like this little Prince George's County like local artists. There's an artist there ⁓ Leslie Holt, but she actually did these little pins that actually shows

Jen (40:26)
⁓

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (40:28)
This is what different brain scans look like through and so I have pictures of it But I got the one traumatic brain injury interesting because I put that next to PTSD and ADHD at the different, know, because I I'm I like triple jeopardy and you know, have My ADHD became a lot worse after my trauma. I think that my brain injury right side helped enhance it I always was it but it did I was at severe depression and severe anxiety and ⁓

PTSD is something I have but it's more of a severe depression. So because they do these different studies when you leave, they try to take these scores and what do you do on this testing? so again, speaking out, looking for opportunities to draw parallels to myself for it is what matters. so now all of a sudden I can see, hey, you're right.

This is I saw this and now I've started speaking about this trauma that I went through this event and now others can hear it differently. It's You know again my I can go on forever I think we we mentioned original conversation about comics comics were a big thing for me and I have I think I put in that video that I did with Christina, but the only one image of me is holding my family deleted it because it was too hard to see me but

was after my skull surgery, so you see this terrible haircut scar from ear to ear, but I had this comic in my hand. It was ⁓ the female Thor, and I was at a comic book convention, and I met Jason Aaron, the writer of that comic. And in the comic, was same as Thor, and Thunder, but Jane Foster has cancer. She picks up the hammer of Thor, and she doesn't have anymore. But I talked to ⁓ Jason Aaron about it, and he was just...

Like he was amazed at my story and he was just, and I said, listen, obviously what a, you know, being trapped in my mind, being able to think you can take something out and do it. How amazing is that? And I think that when you can speak about the stuff that inspires you, makes these, it makes others, others to continue and do their craft The same one, I saw a patient before and they were really messed up in a terrible trauma and there was a backpack in there, like a,

Nephew or something Batman backpack and I asked them as what would Batman do? And but actually wrote I met the writer and artist of Batman Tom King He's the writer of Batman at that same comp I told him about it so he picks up a comic book and signs it it's okay to be scared everyone gets scared now the chance to be brave Batman and You know Wow, how did you know again because I speak about it. That's how advocacy is it is

being vulnerable about your own to therefore you take away someone else's stigma ⁓ about it and then that way you are the one in control. Nothing else controls your illness, trauma, events aren't controlling you. You're the ones that are writing your own story by taking that vulnerability on and speaking about it with pride.

Jen (43:40)
Yes, yes, absolutely. The comic book for me was ⁓ high school and college, the Sandman series. It's just started when I was in that time. And the show came out. And just the other day, I said to my therapist, if you really want to understand me, watch the Sandman series. And she started doing it. And the next week, she was like, we're talking about something. She's like.

So which endless are you feeling? Is this person right now what you feel? So I think it's really powerful to be able to draw from characters and be able to better understand ourselves and other people in that sense. So that's a great story. I really like that.

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (44:10)
You

Yeah.

Thanks, it's full of stories.

Jen (44:33)
So tell us where we can find you.

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (44:37)
⁓ so I am, ⁓ I guess really I'm trying to become more of a vocal, more advocate. have a little link tree, ⁓ gifts of perspective. I'm, ⁓ working with, trauma survivors network to help add more, ⁓ visibility to it and help people find a resource. I'm a great connector to call and have a web of things that connect everything I can together.

for others and that's important for me to not let someone feel alone. So I am trying to make myself more publicized out there, but I shouldn't feel sorry for not being doing more because I do a lot. So I'm just trying to do more and more advocacy about it so then people will hear and then just try to do a good connection with others.

Jen (45:30)
That's great. Again, you're doing the good work and it's necessary and we all need connectors. So I will definitely have that link in the show notes. Well, thank you, Nicholas, so much for coming on the show. You have so much to share and your story is so powerful.

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (45:33)
Thank you.

Thank you, I appreciate it.

Well, I do appreciate it, Jen. And again, I'm looking forward to learning more through this. My journey is not over. It's still going. And speaking to you, definitely, this was a win I needed because things have been pretty low with different ⁓ events going on and not just this wonderful crazy world. Being able to help connect like this is a way to help. What are why that last webinar that the woman asked me, like, what can you leave us with? And I said, well,

Hope is a free medicine. And sometimes it's just a little, and being able to speak to others like that in a very concrete way and with confidence has definitely given me the ability to reflect about how far I've come, how far I've healed, and how I can help. I would say if I helped one person, I guess it was worth it. I've helped a lot of people, not just one person. I know.

Jen (46:43)
Mm-hmm. Yes.

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (46:49)
It was worth it because of where I am now and like there was asked me once What would you do? What would you tell your old person? You know tell your old self and I just said You know my hold on just hold on because you know you no way to Impact but look at you are and I said my old self would be terrified of I went through all this. How did you do this? Just just hold on

Jen (47:05)
Yeah.

Yes, so true. Well, thank you again. And it was so nice to have you on the show.

Nicholas P Ruchlewicz (47:21)
Thank you.

Again, I appreciate it very much, Jen. Thank you.

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (47:31)
Thank you for joining us for this episode of the podcast. This show is produced by Phoenix Freed LLC and I'm your producer, Jen Ginty. We hope you found today's conversation inspiring. Thank you for joining us for this episode of the podcast. This show is produced by Phoenix Freed LLC and I'm your producer, Jen Ginty. We hope you found today's conversation insightful and inspiring. If you have a story of your own about when a not yet moment became right now,

We encourage you to reach out and share it. You can find more information about being a guest on our show at whennotyetbecomesrightnow.com. Remember, you are not alone on your journey, whether it's a journey of healing, growth, or transformation. Every story matters. Thank you for listening, and we'll catch you next time with another inspiring episode.