Poetry, Parenthood and Healing with Dr. Whitnee Coy

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (00:00)
Welcome to When Not Yet Becomes Right Now, the podcast where we dive deep into the moments of transformation, the times when not yet shifts into right now and everything changes. I'm your host, Jen Ginty, and this podcast is all about those pivotal moments in our life journeys. You know the ones, when the hesitation fades, when we take that first step, even if it feels like a leap. It's in these moments that growth and healing begins. Each episode will explore stories of resilience,

moments of clarity, and the sparks that ignite real change. From personal experiences to expert insights, we'll uncover how people navigate the complex journey we call life and come out stronger on the other side. Whether you're searching for that spark in your own life or just curious about how change unfolds for others, you're in the right place. We'll discuss the ups and downs, the breakthroughs and setbacks, and how to embrace the right now, even when it feels out of reach. Because sometimes,

The hardest part of the journey is realizing that the moment you've been waiting for has already arrived. So take a deep breath, settle in, and let's get started.

Jen (01:09)
Hello and welcome to When Not Yet Becomes Right Now. Today's guest is truly a special woman and I wanna introduce her. Dr. Whitnee Coy is an award-winning poet, children's book author, tribal college professor, and fierce advocate for culturally sustaining education and emotional wellness. Raised in a working class neighborhood by her mother and grandmother, Dr. Coy's life has been shaped by resilience, storytelling, and deep personal healing.

When she developed help syndrome during pregnancy, she nearly died and so did her daughter. Born at just 29 weeks, her baby spent two months in the NICU. That life altering experience became the heartbeat of her creative work and advocacy. Today, Dr. Coy writes poetry that heals, teaches

and helps children understand their emotions through stories like Elsie's Adventures to Brainy Cove. She's here to talk about trauma, motherhood, self-worth, and how storytelling can change everything. Hello, Whitnee. Hi.

Whitnee Coy (02:11)
Hi, thank you so

much for having me. I greatly appreciate the opportunity to visit with you ⁓ and to get to share space with you.

Jen (02:22)
I am so thankful that you are coming on the show. So let's get into it. What is your origin story?

Whitnee Coy (02:30)
Yeah, so, you know, I definitely think my origin story is one that has like a lot of twists and turns. And so, you know, kind of like what my bio started, ⁓ I was raised by my mom and my grandmother, and I grew up in Kentucky. ⁓ And so very much ⁓ education was a platform.

for me to better myself and better potentially my potential family as I would continue to get older. ⁓ And so with that, I've had different opportunities that I've pursued with my education and I've always wanted to be and have been very much a go-getter, a bit I would say of ADHD with

with doing different tasks and enjoying having lots of things on my plate and balancing lots of things. And, you know, at the same time, I think though life can be pretty brutal. And I think just with the reality of things. And so I was in a pretty, I would say emotionally abusive marriage and

⁓ With that, they suffered addiction and from that came a lot of issues of ⁓ financial things, cheating, just lots of really chaotic, stressful, turbulent things. And at that point, I had been working at what I thought was a higher leadership position in the school district and

you know, felt that maybe that was my calling. But it was also very stressful and very turbulent. And so just kind of thinking of that, knowing that things had to change. If I wanted anything different, I had to make the decision to leave the job. I had to make the decision to leave the marriage and what that would look like. And so I was really fortunate. I

in doing so my family and my friends back in Kentucky because I was living in South Dakota at the time. They really opened up their arms for me to come back and moving back. I would say I was a very ⁓ broken person. I was trying to finish my doctorate at this at the same time. My advisor was like, you've got to stop. You've got it. You've got to hit the brakes. And I was like, no, like I've just got to keep moving forward. ⁓

But it was a very hectic and depressing time because so much of what I had thought I was building my life to was gone and needed to be gone at that. But at the same time, trying to rebuild myself and figure out like what I valued. ⁓ And so that was kind of the first step, I think, in my origin story of really taking my life.

I wouldn't say necessarily back from anything, but really taking the reins of my life and saying, like, I'm making these decisions. Like, if I don't want to be in something that's toxic, whether that's a friendship, a relationship, a job situation, I don't have to. ⁓ And so that was really freeing. And kind of through that, I was able definitely to work on myself and to work on healing.

doing lots of therapy, which was very helpful and beneficial. And then I met my wonderful husband and we were able to create a blended family. He had two wonderful kids who were my bonus kids, who were 13 and 11, and were really able to shape the family that I had hoped for and that I had wanted.

in that really turbulent, toxic relationship before. And kind of from there, I would say we knew that we also wanted to have a child together. And so that was really on the forefront for us in our relationship. I got pregnant with Sadie Miller, had a really, I mean, what I thought was a really easy pregnancy.

Everything was fine and then within a matter of days it was not fine. And so I started kind of swelling a little bit around week 28 and they were like, well, you don't really have any like they ran mini tests, but then they were like, nothing's really showing. So just watch what you're doing. I actually had my baby shower where I went back to Kentucky from South Dakota to have.

And like, I was a little swollen, then when I came back home a week later, I just didn't feel right. And so my husband took me in to the emergency OBGYN and they did my blood pressure and ⁓ Eloise, our 11 year old was with me, Jesse was parking the vehicle and they were like, we cannot.

we're not gonna tell you what your blood pressure is. It is too high and we don't wanna make it worse. And I was like, okay. And they were like, you have to be admitted right now. And kind of within that period of a few hours, I was like going in and out of consciousness. I was in so much pain. did.

Jen (07:54)
Wow.

Whitnee Coy (08:19)
I, in my head, remember thinking, I in labor? At that time, I was 29 weeks. And so I was like, am I in labor? Like, what's happening? I'm in so much pain. Well, so it ended up I had help syndrome, which affects your blood pressure. My blood pressure ended up being 220 over like 115 or something. I mean, was crazy. I was like borderline like having a stroke.

Jen (08:39)
Whoa.

Goodness.

Whitnee Coy (08:45)
my liver and some of my other organs were trying to shut down. So they were trying to stabilize me while they also provided me a shot and they wanted it to be in me for 48 hours to try and help the baby's lungs develop because Sadie Miller's lungs were going to be so underdeveloped at 29 weeks. And so they were trying to wait that 20 or that 48 hour period. I finally became stabilized and

You know, my husband was just there and literally at one point one of the nurses just like got in the bed and like held and like rocked me.

Yeah, it was just an out of body experience. And then I would say...

Jen (09:28)
Yeah.

Whitnee Coy (09:34)
I finally somewhat stabilized. And so then they were doing tests on Sadie. Well, she stopped moving. And so literally within 15 minutes they came in and they were like, we're going to do an emergency C-section. You may be awake for it. You also may not. We don't know. ⁓ And depending on my blood count levels, I think. And they were like,

You also just need to know, like, you may not hear her cry. We don't know. ⁓

what's going to happen. And so we did that and she was born and she didn't cry for a bit. Then she did. ⁓ And they pretty much took her immediately. They tubed her so she could start breathing and took her immediately to the NICU. Well, I was on so many drugs and medications at the time.

a magnesium drip, I was like in and out. And so I couldn't even see her in the NICU until over 24 hours later. I wasn't able to hold her ⁓ until like nearly a week later because she was so sick and I was so sick. I started having blood pressure issues. ⁓ And so with help syndrome, ⁓

Jen (10:50)
ooooh

Whitnee Coy (11:05)
I think it's three out of four babies pass away and one out of two moms do. So we were very lucky. She had about nearly a three month stay in the NICU and was able to come home. And now she is a, well, she'll be turning two in September and she is meeting all of her milestones and exceeding all of her milestones and is just.

a wild almost two-year-old. But I would definitely say that was the point too. I remember I was trying to reach out to work, which I know is not important in the scheme of things, but at that time it felt important and ⁓ I was working for a different company and I wasn't teaching. I was only teaching part-time at that point.

And I just remember thinking like, if I were to have died...

they would have found somebody new within a month to replace me. And that was really challenging for me. And I really had a lot of internal thought about that. Especially, I had a lot of time when I was later, I got to go home from the hospital, but Sadie obviously stayed. And so like having that...

quiet time of not having your baby, but having your c-section. There was a lot of grief there. And I think also a lot of grief of what I thought pregnancy was going to be, what I thought the beginning of motherhood was going to be, ⁓ even down to like breastfeeding. Like I wasn't able to breastfeed her because she was so little. She didn't know how to suck. Like, so there was all these like strange components. And then on the

back of my mind thinking about like who I exist as a person and if something were to happen to me, how did I want that, I wouldn't necessarily say legacy, but that story of me to be left behind. And so from there I...

wrote on my maternity leave my first children's book, Elsie's Adventures to Brainy Cove, a book that I had been really mulling over and I have an MFA in creative writing in addition to my doctorate in education. And so working in education and seeing that social emotional behaviors in kids, I knew I wanted to tell a story with that. And so that time allowed me to.

And then I also used poetry, which I had had chat books before, several years before ⁓ published. But I wrote about my experience of being a NICU mom and being a survivor of help and just the experiences that you have, I think in the NICU and many people want to be very kind about the NICU and want to say connecting things to you.

But sometimes that can be really damaging too as you're trying to navigate things and they say, I knew a baby and they even played soccer. And you're like, my child can't play soccer if they want. And I mean, not that that matters, but you're just kind of reeling and having to leave your baby or sit and watch your baby hooked up.

and heart rates dropping and other parents in the same room going through similar things or even worse things. So ⁓ that was a time that I wrote a lot and was picked up a lot during that time for poetry and had a lot of publication picked up, which I was very thankful for. And then I was like, I want to get back into higher ed teaching. Like, I love it. I'm only doing it part time.

And at the end of the day, if something were to happen to me, I want to be teaching. That's the most fulfilling and that feels as if it's like my heart's work. And so I made that change and that jump. And that was really important for me. And so like moving forward now, you know, coming out on the other side of finishing my doctorate.

having multiple books come out, having a healthy baby, two wonderful, ⁓ well, this coming school year middle schoolers, celebrating my anniversary this past week with my husband. ⁓ It really feels like I was able to intentionally take those steps and intentionally work through grief on many different avenues.

and come out, I think, on the other side of it even stronger than before.

Jen (16:04)
Whitnee, you have many life journeys that you've been on and you've come out so, I don't know how to call it, you radiate this power. And I hope that people watching this see the power that Whitnee radiates, that she's been through all of these different things. And I understand that

Whitnee Coy (16:07)
Thank you.

Jen (16:32)
⁓ When people say, ⁓ and my kid had it and this was okay too, I myself, when I had my first child, I was on bed rest at 19 weeks and people would say things, well, I bled through the first half of my pregnancy and everything was okay. And I was like, but I'm not you. You're right. And I can imagine you were saying that about your child as well as like, but my child is not your child. So it can be, it can.

be this kind of, I don't know, this feeling of, okay, your experience is not my experience, right?

Whitnee Coy (17:12)
Absolutely,

absolutely. And I do think, I think, I don't think it typically comes from like malice or like bad places. And I do think it's ultimately people are wanting to connect and make you feel better. But yeah, my husband and I would just like freeze where people would be like, I knew, I knew somebody that was in the NICU and they graduated high school. We'd be like, that's great. We also hope she's gonna graduate high school.

Jen (17:37)
Right!

Whitnee Coy (17:42)
That hasn't even went on our mind or our radar as we're trying to see, is she going to be able to breathe by herself? Or is she going to have to have a feeding tube for the rest of her life? ⁓ And she doesn't. ⁓ And we're so lucky and grateful. ⁓ But it's such an experience. And there's so much.

grief, and I'm sure too with you even having to go into bed rest at 19 weeks, it is different than what you had planned out in your head or what it was supposed to be like or how it was supposed to feel. And so at least for me, I carried that grief with me for a long time, for a long time.

Jen (18:35)
Yeah.

Whitnee Coy (18:39)
what I thought things should be.

Jen (18:41)
Yeah, and first time motherhood, you have this idea of, this is gonna be the picture perfect, pregnancy picture perfect, I'm gonna be the best mom in the world and my kid's gonna be 100 % healthy in every way, shape and form, right? And we go into it like, yes, this is gonna be amazing. And then these things happen. And I can imagine that help syndrome is not a typical syndrome.

Whitnee Coy (19:03)
Mm-hmm.

No, it is not at all. And so typically like having the high blood pressure and the swelling. That is why they say if you're pregnant and you swell too much or your blood pressure goes up to go immediately to the hospital because it is just like right on the cusp of just immediately turning into health, which again doesn't happen frequently. And we actually

Visited with one of the nurses and she had been a nurse for many years like 20 some years and she was the nurse that was there when I came in that evening and Actually was the one that that held me basically And she just said like I had never seen anything Like that night and I just didn't know if you were gonna survive if the baby was going to survive. I truly didn't know

⁓ yeah, yeah.

Jen (20:05)
What an angel she is. ⁓

that is what I would hope for women who are having this difficult pregnancy. always hope that that's what they receive from the medical community.

Whitnee Coy (20:16)
Absolutely.

Absolutely, yeah. She was absolutely amazing. And then I had another nurse right after she got off the night shift who was with me as they put me in for the C-section and everything. And she was amazing as well.

Jen (20:40)
It's always nice to hear that there are people out there who really love their job and are the people who should be in those jobs.

Whitnee Coy (20:42)
Yeah.

Absolutely, absolutely, because I mean, I think so much of it would have been so different ⁓ for not only myself, but for Sadie Miller as well. Yeah.

Jen (20:57)
Yeah.

And can I say Sadie? That was my choice for a girl's name too. I love that name so much. I had two boys. yes, Sadie is, I love that name so much. I'd love to go back to, we were talking about ⁓ when you were in your first relationship and you made the decision to...

Whitnee Coy (21:03)
⁓ no.

Thank you.

Jen (21:23)
to make the changes in your work, in your marriage. And you said something that was really interesting to me about your advisor saying, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you need to stop, kind of give yourself time and space. And you were like, no, no, no, no, I gotta push on. And I think that for me, I definitely do that when I'm in really stressful situations, like, because I don't wanna sit with the feelings of,

you know, the overwhelm, the sadness, the fear, all those kinds of things that I just focus straight on, what can I work on? What can I get my mind into? Because I don't want to feel those feelings.

Whitnee Coy (22:04)
Absolutely, and I would a hundred percent say that that was to help me disassociate from what was happening a hundred percent. You know, it was so toxic and so bad and then at the same time, South Dakota has a law that if one of the spouses moves out of the home that you share, which

Jen (22:09)
Yeah

Whitnee Coy (22:30)
could be a home that you both own, you basically are giving up your rights to that home, to the property, and to any property value that could come from selling the home. So, yeah.

Jen (22:45)
wow, the value of the home as well. In

Whitnee Coy (22:48)
And so my attorney was like, if you can just stay until you sign until he agrees to sign the divorce decree and then you can get it, you know, like go through the process and you can get the house on the market, then you can move out. But until then, if you move out before he technically

which was a home that I had put a lot of effort in, a lot of money. And so I was like, oh my gosh. So for like a month after, as we're trying to navigate that we are getting a divorce, we had to live in the same home, which was so stressful and so toxic. you know, I know.

Jen (23:19)
Mm-hmm.

You've made this decision to leave and then

your lawyer says, no, no, no, no, no, you got to stay. But I made the decision finally.

Whitnee Coy (23:46)
Yes. Yes. I

know I was like, wait, what? And so it ended up working out, but it was just very stressful. ⁓ But yes, my advisor, it was happening kind of during the summer and my advisor was like, well, you know, you are going to take your preliminary exams. Just hold off on those.

Jen (23:53)
Ugh!

Whitnee Coy (24:14)
And I was like, no, I can do them. I have to do them. And she was like, Whitnee, please just hold off. Like, I want you to have a good mindset going into them because their paths fail. Like there's not like wiggle room, their essay writing, like very long essay writing and basically like part of your chapters. Like we don't want anything to happen. And.

especially since it was summer, was going to have strict deadlines. And I was like, I've got to have this. Which what did end up being very beneficial for me because I did pass, you know. But again, like you said, I definitely used it as a tool to disassociate and to try and work through that. And at the same time, knowing I was going to be moving back to Kentucky after I'd lived in South Dakota for over 10 years, like,

It just was so heavy and like going through things and saying, just keep it, just keep it all. And that was kind of the point that I was at at that point was, you know, just keep the furniture and I'll take my dog that I had in my cat and I'll take, you know, and just get out because I knew something had to change. And it did take a long time to get to that.

Jen (25:21)
aww

Whitnee Coy (25:32)
⁓ and I think partially, you know, I grew up with my mom and my grandmother and I didn't want a, a failed marriage. I wanted to, to work hard. And I think now, especially with my husband, my current husband, you know, we've had the conversation of like, it shouldn't have to be a battle to be in a relationship with someone. ⁓ you should not have to have chaos.

to have some sort of connection with them. And, you know, for me, I think with my first husband, I felt that. ⁓ And I felt guilty, like, why would I leave him if he has so many addiction issues and he has these other issues? But I also knew me feeling guilty for that was never going to help him make the steps that he needed to change. And to this day, I don't believe he's made those steps. So,

you know, I had to worry about myself and really again take that story and know that it was my story to be told and to continue on and what did I want for that. And so that was really one of the turning points of having that intentionality of relationships and of decisions. And if I want to go on a trip, I'm going to, and if I want to

make the decision to do this, I'm going to because it's what I want to do.

Jen (27:04)
Yeah, so important. And you're right, there are so many of us out there. I divorced my husband, who is the father of my children. And yeah, there was this fear. And I had people saying, you'll never make it without him. not having the support, like you said, you had the support of your family and friends back in Alabama. And to not have that support can just put the brakes on.

Whitnee Coy (27:06)
Thank you.

Jen (27:33)
on some women's choices. Yeah. And I'm so glad that you chose yourself, ⁓ just as I had to choose myself and my children, because I also knew that things weren't going to change unless I made that decision and made that change. And so I think that's a really important part of your story to share so that other women understand, yes, choosing ourselves is OK.

Whitnee Coy (27:35)
Absolutely. Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Jen (28:01)
We

don't have this strain on us that we're supposed to keep a ⁓ relationship together that just isn't working.

Whitnee Coy (28:10)
Mm hmm. Yeah. And I think I think even with the idea of ⁓ with motherhood and I think I think because of the patriarchal society that we live in and the values that are intertwined so deeply within values and ideas of people, there is this idea that women shouldn't put themselves first. And that includes

in the decisions of relationships, it includes in the decisions of motherhood. like being able to put yourself first, I'm not saying throw your children at the wayside, but I am saying like take 10 minutes to yourself and be able to listen to a song that you like or do something that brings you joy or to wear a shirt that you really like that makes you happy. Like whatever that is, ⁓ maybe it's some sort of

hobby, whatever that may be, to be able to give yourself that time. Because so often, I think we're also taught in like a capitalistic consumer society, like unless you're making something that's productive, unless you're making something or doing something that's benefiting or you can sell, it's not worth it. And I don't think that's true. ⁓ And so if a woman wants to make the decision to

bake or garden or read a book for 10 minutes every night before she goes to bed after her kids are asleep. We should be allowed to do that to take care of ourselves.

Jen (29:52)
Yeah, that's so true. I would love to talk about the tribal college professor side.

Whitnee Coy (30:01)
Yeah, I, years ago, I had started at Oglala Lakota College. It is a tribal college on the Pine Ridge Reservation in South Dakota. We also have a location in Rapid City, which is nearby and off the reservation, and then also a college center at another Lakota Reservation Cheyenne River. And so

It's a decentralized system, so students have a college center within their lived-in communities so they can get to college easier. And so if you've ever heard of like historically black colleges, tribal colleges, or TCUs are going to be throughout the United States and are going to be uplifting and helping indigenous students move through the systems of higher education.

And so I had worked at OLC maybe five years before I had went to the school district that was ended up being pretty toxic and ⁓ full time. And then I had always kind of went back and did a class here and there adjuncting for them. Even when I moved back to Kentucky after COVID, I was doing some online classes for them here and there.

And then when I moved back to South Dakota, I was doing some more adjuncting. And so I absolutely love the college. I believe in its mission ⁓ of rebuilding the Lakota Nation through education. My husband is an enrolled member of the Oglala Sioux tribe. Sadie Miller is as well. And then our other two children, Louise and Ben. ⁓ And so.

Also now having that connection has been really important and really grounding in the decision to be able to go back full time. And I work in the humanities department, humanities and social science department. And so I teach a variety of classes full time ⁓ between English, communications, and some of the social science classes as well because of my doctorate. And then...

Additionally, I do some classes for the grad school for basically educators who are trying to get their licensure as principals or administrators. And so I teach classes on kind of on those topics of educational leadership, running a school, that sort of thing. I feel very blessed to be there and absolutely adore the college.

Jen (32:34)
yeah, it sounds so amazing. And is your poetry connected?

Whitnee Coy (32:39)
So I would say most of, you know, I have poetry that are definitely about my experiences, my lived experiences. So living in South Dakota, people that I've met, my experiences with motherhood and in the NICU. I have a chapbook coming out, A Limb, Outgrowing a Weathered Tree by Finishing Line Press, which is mostly about my NICU experience.

And then I have a full, my first full length poetry collection comes out later this year from Kelsey Books. ⁓ And we left constellations in each other is what it's called. And it has a mix of poetry about my experience in the NICU, motherhood, divorce, getting a divorce, my remarriage.

my own relationships with people like my grandmother and really looking at relationships and how we're all connected, I think. So yeah, that's kind of what my poetry is about.

Jen (33:47)
That's so important, especially your NICU journey, because I don't think that there is probably much written that's not more on the medical side of things, but you're using your emotions. And I can only imagine that could be so helpful for women who are going through the same thing to have this poetry rather than having to read this, I don't know,

like medical book about being there.

Whitnee Coy (34:22)
Absolutely, and I do think for me, especially going to the NICU every day and staying, you know, different times and long periods, ⁓ there's so much of a sensory overload because you're hearing beeps, you're hearing monitors, you're hearing wheels on carts that babies are on. you're hearing nurses talking.

You're hearing doctors talking, you're hearing parents talking about their kids. You're also hearing nurses talking about what they're gonna eat for lunch. Like, there's so much mix there and like hearing bits and pieces of people's stories or seeing a baby next to you. And then the next day they're gone because maybe they got to leave with their family, which is so exciting. But then also maybe something else happened so they were taken to a different hospital.

there was always so much happening. ⁓ And for me, my poetry is really, I would say all of my writing is very imagery based. There's a lot of metaphor and whatnot. And so being able to hone in on that and also hone in on the emotional experiences that you have with people and the grief and whatnot.

you know, the grief of feeling, why don't I feel happy that I lived and my baby lived? Well, I don't feel happy because it's day six and I haven't been able to hold my baby. You know, like, and that both of those things can exist mutually together. And so how do you, how do you describe that to somebody? ⁓ And so that was where the poetry became a really

open space for me to do so. And I would say I've always been a poet. I have other collections of poetry, chapbooks that are out and whatnot. But yes, it was it was definitely a way that I could open up more.

Jen (36:30)
it sounds amazing. We have to have all that in the show notes. So everybody can go and grab these poetry books because they sound wonderful. And how did you move into children's books?

Whitnee Coy (36:34)
Love.

Thank you.

So again, being in education, teaching, working in school districts ⁓ and whatnot, I had worked with so many different families and also educators who were really struggling working and helping kids to be supported in their emotional regulation, particularly young kids.

And sometimes it's much harder when you have older kids that have never been taught emotional regulation to be able to talk about their emotions in ways that aren't harmful to themselves and others. And that can be a distraction from learning and what that looks like. And so I wanted to take my creativity and to be able to channel it. So I wrote Elsie's Adventures to Brainy Cove.

which is a story about Elsie. She's six and basically she has big emotions and she really struggles with how she shows those emotions. So she maybe pushes over her toys, she slams a door, she cries, things that we see kids doing. And so I wanted to think about the science behind emotions. So thinking about our upstairs brain and our downstairs.

the amygdala that's just trying to protect us, but kids oftentimes aren't developed enough in their brains to be able to take a step back and get back in the upper level of their brains and to regulate those emotions and to not spiral. And so how could I describe that to kids? so Brainy Cove was a way to do that. I was really fortunate.

to be able to travel to different schools after Brainy Cove came out and do different readings and activities and family nights and book signings at libraries and bookstores in South Dakota and Kentucky and Wyoming. I was able to present it at a conference in Hawaii. like it, Brainy Cove and Elsie's story has been one that has resonated so much.

And from that, I was like, okay, I've got to keep going with this. And so I wrote my second children's book, Elsie's Adventures to Harmony Hills, The Big Move. And so Elsie's older, but just like the title says, she's moving. So she's having to go to a new school. She's feeling excited, but she's also feeling anxiety. So this book focuses on coping skills for anxiety, how to identify anxiety in kids.

because there's lots of different symptoms and ways to see it. And sometimes parents think it's something different or family members. And so that has been really important. It actually comes out August 6th. Yes, ⁓ I am thrilled with it. ⁓ The artist, she is just absolutely amazing. Ola at Metwali and she lives in Egypt.

Jen (39:36)
Hey, exciting.

Whitnee Coy (39:50)
So being able to work with her has just been a dream come true ⁓ with this book. so there definitely you can do the e-book right now. It's on Amazon. But the other book, the printed version will be out August 6. And so hopefully at many different venues between bookstores, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and some of those other venues.

Jen (40:16)
That's wonderful. I have to get them for my Moody Storytime. Yes. Yes. Yeah. know, emotion regulation, it's not easy, especially for adults who were never taught that. I feel like emotion regulation for adults is so important because they can't teach their children their own coping skills if they don't have theirs. And I talk a lot about that in my Moody Talks. ⁓ Yeah, it's incredible.

Whitnee Coy (40:19)
Yes, please do. Please do, yeah.

No!

Absolutely. absolutely.

Jen (40:46)
Those sound out like amazing books.

Whitnee Coy (40:46)
No. ⁓ thank you. Yes. With both of the books, there's learning corners at the very end ⁓ for family members or for educators to look at where it provides different breathing techniques, different grounding techniques, ⁓ things that they can do. ⁓

in addition to some of those coping skills being written in the stories as well. I really wanted to use metaphor and to use imagery and to have a story come to life that kids could identify with, but then also have it be used as a tool and a resource ⁓ for adults as well.

Jen (41:28)
That's amazing. And doing the good work. It's really hard for kids. I called my son's little cavemen when they were first born because they had all these feelings and they had no idea what they were, what they felt, why they were having them. And as someone who did not learn emotion regulation because of my childhood trauma and growing up, it was...

Whitnee Coy (41:32)
Thank you.

Jen (41:54)
really important for me to figure out my own coping skills toolbox in order to help them. So these books that you write, they are so important, not just for the children, but for the adults as well. Maybe they can pick up some of these coping skills, right?

Whitnee Coy (42:12)
Absolutely, and I always say, a dysregulated adult is not going to help regulate a child. And so if an adult is also dysregulated and not the calm anchor during the storm, it is only going to escalate any situation. And really, that's also with other adults as well. And so being able to have those skills to regulate your emotions and to think about them.

in ways that are not harmful to yourself or others is so crucial, especially in today's world.

Jen (42:48)
Do you use any form, particular form of therapy for your coping skills? I use DBT. That's what most of my toolbox is filled with.

Whitnee Coy (42:56)
⁓

Yes, same, same. Yeah, and I would say, know, different, it depends too. think, you know, utilizing differentiation for kids is also important. I've been in classrooms where some kids are really sensory seekers and they need to be able to have, that tactile experience to be able to think about their emotions or calm down and regulate.

And I think, to be honest, think my toddler is definitely going to be that way ⁓ as she's walking around with a fuzzy sock on her hand today. So I definitely think that that for her is going to be something where other kids need different tools. But I do think that there is some power in understanding how our brains work.

and why they work the way that they are, why the amygdala is making us feel like it's in fight, flight, or freeze mode, or fawn mode, and what we can do to assist that. And so I definitely think that there is a power in that knowledge of brain science.

Jen (44:05)
Yeah, the books that I've read for kiddos, you're right. There isn't as much explanation of why. It's more of an explanation of, this is what you have, so let's find a coping skill for that. But I think it's really cool that you're able to also give children an understanding of how their brains work and why this happens.

Whitnee Coy (44:28)
Mm-hmm.

Absolutely. And I think too, you know, there's a lot of loving adults that may not know as well why they immediately react the way they do, why they freeze in a situation, why they explode in a situation, and what that means as they are trying to regulate a wide variety of emotions that they're feeling. And those emotions could even be

what we would view as positive emotions, like joy, but how are you showcasing that joy? Is it destructive? I just think having that knowledge base too is able to open the doors for a lot of understanding and also a lot of learning.

Jen (45:17)
So what advice would you give to a, let's say, a mother who is going through a similar story as yours, where they've been in NICU for a while, and maybe they're feeling a little hopeless.

Whitnee Coy (45:37)
Yeah, for me, the best thing was to look at every day just as that day. And so because things change so rapidly. So you could have many wonderful days and then one day you go in and the doctors are like, listen, they ended up having to go back on the breathing machine or we had to turn up the oxygen and you're like dumbfounded.

because you were told that, maybe this is the date that they could go home or this is what you should be thinking about. And so I think really looking at it day by day and just chunking it off. A very dear friend of mine has always said, you can't eat an elephant whole, but you can chunk by chunk. Yeah, yeah. And she uses it all the time.

Jen (46:27)
Hmm, I like that.

Whitnee Coy (46:33)
But I do think of that and that helped me get through. And I think also...

For me as well, knowing that I needed to find a balance of being with Sadie Miller and being in the NICU with her, but I also needed to find a balance of coming home, letting out the dogs, helping our kids with their homework, packing lunches, and being able to find some middle ground with that because I do think...

For some people, they stay hours upon hours upon hours. Our NICU, how it's set up, you don't have individualized rooms or anything, and so it's all kind of in a shared space. So there's no beds for you to sleep on. You frequently share chairs with other families. So that made my experience different than what other families may have. And so...

It also did force me to say, okay, I've been sitting in this chair for six hours. I'm going to go let our dogs out. I'm going to get a coffee and leave the hospital. And so I think taking time even for those very, what seemed like very minor things is important. And I truly think just trying to take it day by day.

⁓ and knowing that there at some point there's going to be an end goal and end goals look different for different families. And so having the acceptance of that and I also think therapy is really key in that situation, especially for long-term stays because it is very up and down and

that can be very affecting to new mothers. And then especially to new mothers who have hormones in their bodies and are feeling their C-sections, but then they don't have their baby and they are having to pump, but they can't feed their baby. mean, there's a lot there. There's definitely a lot there. So I think also seeking outside help and therapy.

is also very beneficial and many hospitals have different resources and things, social workers and things to be able to provide help for that.

Jen (49:07)
that's excellent advice. Wow, that's really great. You know, I wouldn't think of many of the things that you said and my idea of the NICU, I've never been in one. So the one you described that you have is kind of the one that I always figured. I didn't realize there were other kinds of NICUs, but I can imagine that's overwhelming.

Whitnee Coy (49:08)
Thanks.

Yeah,

absolutely. So I would definitely say, you know, some larger hospitals, I think, maybe have individualized rooms that you can stay in with your baby. And so I do think that that for some people, they stay 24 seven, you know. But then I think also knowing and having grace that that you can go and that

your baby is in the best hands at the hospital. And we frequently, my husband and I would say that a lot, where we would just talk about like, even if she came home right now, right this moment, like we wouldn't know what to do between all the different things that she was on, all the different medicines, all the different ⁓ measurements of her heart rate, her blood pressure, her tube, like it was so overwhelming.

And so being able to go back on that, that she was in the hands of professionals and that we were all just doing the best that we could to support her was something that was really, I think, to a certain degree.

Jen (50:40)
That sounds wonderful to have that healing, the capability to heal through that, you know? Well, where can we find you?

Whitnee Coy (50:51)
Well, I'm on Instagram at Whitnee Coy writer. I'm also on TikTok, which I have just started about a month ago. So at Whitnee Coy, at Whitnee Coy writer as well. And then I have WhitneyCoy.com. And there I have my books that you can purchase when you purchase from my website, you can get signed copies or personalized copies.

I also have information about speaking engagements and opportunities to collaborate or work together. And I've been really thankful ⁓ for all those opportunities that I've had throughout the past couple years.

Jen (51:33)
wonderful that will be all in the show notes and I can't wait to share and don't forget August what is it August 6th so actually this this may come out and it'll be available so go right then go go get it

Whitnee Coy (51:35)
Thank you. ⁓

August 6th. Yes.

Go get it, please, please, please, please, for your home libraries and your school libraries.

Jen (51:52)
Yes.

That's right. Well, thank you so much, Whitnee, for coming on the show. You gave us such sage wisdom.

Whitnee Coy (52:02)
Well, thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate the time and the space to be able to visit ⁓ and just appreciate so much the opportunity to share my story.

Jen (52:15)
and it's an amazing story.

Whitnee Coy (52:17)
Thank you.

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (52:22)
Thank you for joining us for this episode of the podcast. This show is produced by Phoenix Freed LLC and I'm your producer, Jen Ginty. We hope you found today's conversation inspiring. Thank you for joining us for this episode of the podcast. This show is produced by Phoenix Freed LLC and I'm your producer, Jen Ginty. We hope you found today's conversation insightful and inspiring. If you have a story of your own about when a not yet moment became right now,

We encourage you to reach out and share it. You can find more information about being a guest on our show at whennotyetbecomesrightnow.com. Remember, you are not alone on your journey, whether it's a journey of healing, growth, or transformation. Every story matters. Thank you for listening, and we'll catch you next time with another inspiring episode.