Navigating Medical Trauma with Complex PTSD

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (00:00)
Welcome to When Not Yet Becomes Right Now, the podcast where we dive deep into the moments of transformation, the times when not yet shifts into right now and everything changes. I'm your host, Jen Ginty, and this podcast is all about those pivotal moments in our life journeys. You know the ones, when the hesitation fades, when we take that first step, even if it feels like a leap. It's in these moments that growth and healing begins. Each episode will explore stories of resilience,

moments of clarity, and the sparks that ignite real change. From personal experiences to expert insights, we'll uncover how people navigate the complex journey we call life and come out stronger on the other side. Whether you're searching for that spark in your own life or just curious about how change unfolds for others, you're in the right place. We'll discuss the ups and downs, the breakthroughs and setbacks, and how to embrace the right now, even when it feels out of reach. Because sometimes,

The hardest part of the journey is realizing that the moment you've been waiting for has already arrived. So take a deep breath, settle in, and let's get started.

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (01:09)
Hello and welcome to When Not Yet Becomes Right Now. I am your host Jen Ginty and today I'm going to be doing a solo episode. I've decided to do this because I talk to a lot of people about medical trauma and about complex PTSD and how that affects going through medical situations,

I live with complex PTSD and major depressive disorder from childhood abuse. so I have complex PTSD that has changed my neurons in my brain and my body chemistry to react differently than those who have not had trauma that has been something that they've lived for a while.

And I know when people say, when you meet one autistic person, you've met one autistic person. Well, it's the same thing with people with PTSD. If you've met one person with PTSD, then you've met one. You haven't met everyone and all of the symptoms that people with PTSD have. We all have different symptoms. We all have things that trigger us.

And one of the things for me ended up being medical trauma. And I'll give you my background on it because it's really important to get the backstory. And I also know that what I went through, a lot of other people have gone through throughout their lives. ⁓ I had a slip disc, the L5S1 disc. And as I've talked to people throughout

the communities and everything, those people who have also had that same slip disc have had very similar stories to me. So, 2009, I ⁓ was living with my then husband and I had a five-year-old and three-year-old, two boys. And one day I started noticing that when I was sitting down, it would start to ache.

after a little while. And I would just get up, I'd start walking around. think I was close to, I was in my 30s. So I was thinking, my goodness, am I already starting to get that aging back issue? And so I spent some time just pushing off the pain until it started to get worse. And it got to the point where if I even bent

over, I would get excruciating pain that would go straight up my spine and into my brain and would just scream. It was that painful. So I got checked out by my PCP who said, well, you definitely have to see someone about this. You need to see a consult ⁓ because it's your back. So

I went to a surgeon and talked to them about my pain. At this point, I was driving home from work and by the time I got home, I didn't know how I got there. I knew I drove, but I didn't remember the drive because of how much pain I was in. It was crazy and it was not something that I could just push aside anymore.

So I went to see surgeon and I told them all my symptoms. At the time when I got there, I couldn't even sit on the seat. I had to stand in order to talk to this doctor, the surgeon. So he looked at my MRI, he looked at all the x-rays that had been done and said, well, you have slipped your...

L5S1, which is a common disc to get slipped. usually we'd say we need to try some other things before we go to surgery, but you're in so much pain. And I think it's time for you to have the surgery. And I was just like, whatever is going to make this go away, please just do whatever is going to make this pain stop.

I'll also add that I have a very high level of pain tolerance. I don't know if that is ⁓ not a symptom, but something that comes along with my complex PTSD. Some people just have high pain tolerance and I am one of them. And so my family, they were like, this has to be done, Jen, because you never complain.

about pain. You never do. So I had the surgery and when I got out of the surgery I still felt a good bit of pain honestly and of course that's something that many people feel right after surgery right? You're going to feel pain especially once anesthesia wears off any of the things that they've given you is worn off right? Especially back.

And I spent an overnight there. And when I was leaving, I couldn't sit again. It was so painful to sit that my husband opened the back seat and I crawled into it and laid on my side the entire drive. I was in not much pain.

Now, I think something should be discussed in this section of the story. Women are not believed when it comes to their health. There is a serious like medical misogyny out there that we are complaining about things that are normal. And any

woman, person who has had their period and had period cramps knows just how much pain they can tolerate because that is one of the worst pains, is cramping. So I feel like it's really important to discuss that part of the medical community. And I've spoken to so many other people about this.

that there is medical misogyny, that we are not believed. And that is what happened to me after this surgery. I went to see the doctor for follow-up. Yeah, you know, this pain, yep, it's fine. You'll tolerate it, it'll go away. Don't worry about it. Meanwhile, after spending a few weeks recovering, I started to go back to work because I needed to.

I got to work and I was sweating and my heart was racing and I was told to go to the ER. Luckily, I worked right next door to the ER. So I walked over there and saw a nurse there and they were like, honey, you're in tachycardia, which is when your heart is racing so much that it's a problem. You know, could maybe have a heart attack.

I'm not exactly sure, but tachycardia is very serious. So I was feeling so much pain that my whole body was reacting with sweating and this tachycardia. So I get more MRI and more x-rays and I'm lying in the ER and my surgical doctor comes in and he says, well, it looks like

the disc slipped again. And I felt like I really just wanted to say to him, I knew that before I even left the hospital, because you wouldn't believe me about how much I was in pain. I was in equal if not worse pain leaving the hospital. And I know that's not typical.

So they got me in for the second surgery right quick. And when I woke up from that, I couldn't feel the right side of my lower body. I was panicking. So I meet with my surgical doctor and he tells me that it went well. And I asked all the questions, why did this happen? Will I expect?

the same amount of pain that I was in before, no, no, So second time of leaving the hospital after surgery, and I can't feel my leg, I can't feel my left leg, and I had incredible neuropathy throughout it. I couldn't feel it physically, like putting my hand on my leg, but I could feel the nerve pain from my

back to my toes in that leg. After follow-ups, the doctor was just not listening to me. And I told him, I'm still in so much pain and I can hardly walk. And eventually this doctor told me, well, you probably won't walk again without a walker or a cane. Now I am in my early thirties with a five-year-old and a three-year-old.

And I've been told by a doctor that was supposed to be taking really good care of me that now I was never going to be able to walk again without help, without assistance. And that's just a no-go for me. If you've gotten to know me through this podcast, I'm not that person who's gonna say, yeah, okay, that's how my life is gonna be from now

It got to the point with this doctor, this medical misogyny got so difficult. He actually asked me if my husband was abusing me. It's like he wanted to pass this off. He knew he messed up, but he wanted to blame it on the patient. And I don't know if that's because he didn't want me to sue him or anything like that, but he just wanted to get rid of me.

So he got me into a pain clinic. And in that pain clinic, I went through so many different modalities until the doctor asked me, have you ever tried acupuncture? And I was like, no, no, I've never been able to afford it really, because back in the day in 2009, you couldn't get that paid through insurance and it could be very expensive. But luckily this doctor knew

a group. a community based group where you pay on a sliding scale. So I was like, well, I'll try anything at this point, right? And so I went to this community acupuncture group and met the owner. He was probably about five years into this practice and

⁓ was he so kind, was he so good to me. He would see me three times a week. He'd put the needles in and he'd let me fall asleep for like an hour, hour and a half and he'd wake me up. And I started to feel better. It was incredible. know, all the modalities that were given to me by the surgeon and by the pain clinic.

They just didn't do it. It wasn't working for me. And I'd heard from other people that they didn't, that didn't really work for them as well. So finally, I started feeling better, guys. It was incredible. And I will tell you, within 15 months, I was running a half marathon. It was the biggest change of my life. Here I am being told.

that I may never walk again without assistance. And now I'm running a half marathon. So why did I tell this story? Because medical trauma and medical PTSD is a real thing. It's very prevalent, I think, that a lot of people have experienced in some way some sort of medical trauma, whether it's through pain,

or it's through just not being believed about symptoms. And it can seriously affect the way that you look at your health. I found that I didn't really want to go to the doctor anymore. I didn't want to go to my PCP. I didn't even want to take any medicine anymore. I was on ⁓ Wellbutrin for my depression.

And I kind of just made it to be able to just get six months supplies for my PCP and then he would just keep renewing them so that I could avoid going to the doctor. It was not helpful for me, especially because I was not doing the healing journey that I started a few years ago. This was when I was still saying, not yet.

Not yet. I am in serious pain right now. Not yet. I have to take care of these little boys, five and three-year-old boys. How am I not able to pick up my child when they're upset? I did not want to get involved in any other medical things.

So I went through life until I had that right now moment where my brain stopped me and said, you need to start this journey now. I had held off medical care for a while. I had seen, when I was sick, I would go see doctors, but I wasn't working on my overall health. And that's a problem, right? But I wanted to avoid

the situation that I had been in with my back. I didn't want to feel that medical misogyny. I did not want to hear someone tell me that what I was going through was normal and I should just get used to it, So I'm gonna fast forward to last December, last December, 2024.

I turned 50 last year and I was like, okay, I got to do all the things, right? I got to get checked out in all the ways. So, you I got my vaccines.

and I was like, okay, I'm going to see my gynecologist. I was continuing with my gynecologist, honestly, because I had had some abnormal results in the past. So I wanted to make sure that I was checked every year. And the GYN tends to be a little more of...

an open discussion with your doctor, right? So I was like, okay, so I've been avoiding, since 2019, I've been avoiding a mammogram. So I decided that, yes, I'm gonna go do my mammogram. And I went and it was like, I was just like, you know, it's routine, let's get this done. Just get it out there so I can get it checked every once in a while.

Well, didn't they find something on my mammogram on both breasts? So I get the call that they have found calcifications in my breasts and they wanted to do a follow-up mammogram plus an ultrasound. So this is standard. And I kept getting from them this, this is just, this is all normal. People get this and this is okay. We're gonna check it out.

So I'm like, okay, I'm listening to the doctors. This is something that happens to a lot of people. So I'm not gonna get worked up about it. And so I went and got my mammogram and they did the ultrasound and the left breast, I just had a cyst and it was a large cyst and they like, is normal, cysts are normal, don't worry about it. But on my right breast, they saw stuff on the ultrasound.

And I was like, okay, so I leave and wait for results from the doctor and I get the call that I need to do a biopsy. Now this is getting serious, right? This is getting serious. But I kept getting told that it's normal thing. This stuff happens, it's okay. It should be fine, okay?

So I go to the biopsy. Now, because of the medical trauma that I had had in the past, I was really feeling this biopsy. I was not feeling well about it at all. I was really nervous. And my PTSD symptoms started coming strong. Couldn't sleep. ⁓

heightened everything and knowing that there was going to be a surgical thing done to me, I was freaking out because all I could think about was my back surgery and how I was treated during that. So I spoke with my therapist, we worked on different techniques, we worked on EMDR to help me to

get through the procedure, and I was going through a hospital that I'd never worked with before. My OBGYN was in a different hospital, but I had been with them since I had had my children, so over 21 years. So I just stayed with them and they were down the street from me. Just easy, right? But this was a different hospital.

and they didn't have any records for me. They didn't really know anything about me. And one of the things that I have in my regular hospitals ⁓ records is I have this special ⁓ sheet that talks about my PTSD. It gives the physician, the nurse, whoever I'm speaking with, the understanding before coming in and speaking with me.

that I have complex PTSD and I have medical trauma. And so this hospital didn't know me at all. And again, I received the results of the biopsy and I'm told that I have ⁓ atypical duoductal, dysplasia, atypical duoductal

dysplasia. What is that? What is that, right? So heightened trauma responses again. I just went through this invasive procedure. Literally, they punched a hole into my breast, pulled out cells and pieces of my breast, and then shot a clip into it.

And although I didn't feel it, they were very kind. The procedure went really well. It really hit hard with my trauma. I was not feeling great after that. I was really anxious

even though I was doing the healthiest thing of getting a biopsy for me, for my situation, right? So I get the follow-up with the surgical doctor, with the surgeon. And I go in and she comes in and I can tell that the woman is very...

a stand-in-the-awn business. Let's talk about this. Let's get what we need to get done. Okay. So she asks me something that she probably asks every single person that comes in who's had a biopsy, how'd the biopsy go? And I said to her, well, I had a trauma response. I had a trigger response and her whole demeanor.

changed, absolutely switched. And I could tell already that, ⁓ I said something that is not going to go well with this surgeon. And again, trauma responses, you know, the, the, it's blaring in my head while I'm trying to listen to her. She's like, well, mean, biopsies aren't supposed to be enjoyable. And I was like, yeah, yeah, you're right.

You're right. Okay, you're right. And so she starts to tell me about this area that needs to be taken out of my breast. So I needed a lumpectomy to take this out and to make sure that it's not cancer. Now, all along through this whole thing, I would ask, is this cancer? And they're like, it usually isn't. It usually isn't, but it could be. So again,

you know, the lights are going off in my head, this could be a lot more than it is. So I, you know, I listened to the surgeon and then she starts to tell me that the surgery will be not be an anesthesia, but will be under a sedation. And from my past, I knew that I don't do well with

that kind of sedation. I don't do twilight sedation. I've woken up during twilight sedation and that is a product of my PTSD. I don't sleep. So I wake up during these kinds of things. I've woken up during a colonoscopy and that was seriously not great. So I said to her, know, I've had twilight sedation before.

and it doesn't work well for me, I wake up and she says, well, that's how we do it. So that's how it's gonna be done. And I'm like, ⁓ okay. And while she was telling me all these different things, I could just tell that she wasn't taking me seriously. And I left feeling so low and not having faith.

that I was gonna be treated well. It all came back to me. So I did what I had to do. And even though I had to wait a while, I got an appointment with someone in my own hospital. And I'm very lucky, I'm able to be at ⁓ a hospital that is huge in cancer care, Beth Israel Hospital in Boston.

and it's a part of Mass General. So I knew I was going to get the care I needed because they had everything they needed to know about me there. But it didn't stop that trauma response, right? And I think that that's important for people to understand. And for people who have trauma and have had maybe a medical trauma experience,

I think it's important that we are able to speak up for ourselves, that we advocate for ourselves, because in the end, it's not going to help us to sit with our pain, sit with our triggers, sit with our trauma, right?

I'm happy to say I did have the lumpectomy. And I healed really well. It was so good. It wasn't as upsetting as the biopsy because they had put me into anesthesia. They always put people into anesthesia. So the doctor that I spoke with did not understand why I wouldn't have been at the other place.

I went under the anesthesia, I did well afterwards and just had to wait for my results. And one thing about a very, very, very busy hospital who have multiple centers is that their results don't necessarily come in fast, right? They're doing so many biopsies that it takes a long time. And I had a follow-up in a week and a half.

And I sat through that week and a half with the worry, the worry that I was going to be called to be told that I have cancer. And how was I going to take care of myself with that news? And as time went on and it was getting closer and closer to my follow-up, I've worked.

in a doctor's office that had to tell people when they had cancer. So I started to think to myself, I started the wheels turning.

I'm not getting the result because they are going to tell me I have cancer. They're holding the results back because they want to give me that news in person. And so for the days leading up, would get, would hype myself a little more and a little more like, if it's cancer, it's what it is. I, you know, I've been through.

other things in my life. I've had other medical emergencies in my life. I can get through this. But it was always in the back of my mind. It was always triggering me a little like, okay, if I have cancer, what steps do I need to take to make sure everyone in my life is okay? Wasn't even thinking of me because I'm a people pleaser and that's what I do. What can I do to help everyone else in my life to

be okay if I have cancer. And I went to my follow-up and the PA came in and she said, the first thing she said was, okay, let's look at your, know, your sight, the scar, that kind of thing. And everything looked great. And she said, so did the doctor call you about your results? And I said, no, no, I didn't get a call. And I said, not to be honest.

I've worked at a doctor's office and I know that they tend to like to tell people when they have cancer in person. And she was like, ⁓ no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's okay. She's like, you're, you do not have cancer. She said it to me. She looked me straight in the eyes. says, you don't have cancer. You're okay. And I breathe that huge sigh of relief that I didn't breathe for weeks.

weeks and months. I waited three months for the surgery and I took the deepest breath and let it all out. I do not have cancer and let that sink in for me. And you know, she's like, I am so sorry. Yeah, she's like some people that I spoke with earlier this week didn't get their results until just now as well. And she's, I'm so sorry.

that you thought that this was going to be a difficult follow-up. She's like, I'm so sorry about that. I hope that you can understand that the results come in slower than we'd like them to. But you know, it is. Again, I am just one person with complex PTSD who has been through medical trauma before.

But to have gone through months of people telling me step after step, oh, no, no, no, this is OK, this is normal, or people get this and most of the time it's not cancerous, that kind of thing. I needed to give myself grace and to let myself breathe. And I hope that

Hearing this story has helped you to see that you need to take care of yourself in these times. If your trauma response is fawning, is people pleasing, is making sure everyone else in your life is okay, please step back and take time to give to yourself, to take care of yourself, whatever way.

that is for you that works. And as far as the medical misogyny, luckily I did not run into that this time because I mean, I'm working with people who are working specifically in breast care, right? So it tends to be more women. tends to be more, they're more sensitive to that. But I wanna tell you something.

If you don't feel comfortable, if you don't feel that you are being treated well and you're not being listened to, that these people are not hearing you, then you need to find another doctor who will. It's so important for all of us to trust our intuition. And with people who have complex PTSD, I've spoken about this a lot.

It's very hard to trust your intuition because you couldn't when you were being abused. You didn't know what your abuser was going to do, so you couldn't trust intuition, But you need to trust your intuition when it comes to working with the medical community. Like a lot of people say, not every therapist is for every person. You could meet one therapist, it's not going well.

you go and you find another therapist who may work better with you, right? It's the same in the medical community. think we look at the medical community as they're the professionals, they know what's to do, and we're not looking at how they're treating us. It's important for us to take hold of our care, to advocate for ourselves and to tell them when

You're not feeling right about something. That first surgeon, she wasn't for me. She just wasn't for me. She didn't want to deal with someone who has had trauma in the past. And that's fine. But you also have to tell the patient that you think they should have a second opinion. I know surgeons like to think that they're gods.

Honestly, it's because they have to. When they're working on a person, they have to feel as though what they're doing is right in every step, but it's not always. And it's important when you're not feeling as though you're being taken seriously and they're not listening to you advocating for yourself, it's important for you to do that, to find a medical professional who is going to treat you with the respect you deserve.

because of the needs you have. So I waited for my story to end or what I thought might be the end to talk about this because I wanted to be able to give you good news if, know, so that you wouldn't worry, I guess. I don't know if you're regulars, you wouldn't worry. I, yeah, I...

I'm doing well. I am looking to be in a study that is using a small dose of oncology ⁓ medication that ⁓ can help to take the risk down for breast cancer because now I do have a higher risk of breast cancer because of this diagnosis.

So I'm doing okay, guys. And I wanted to share all of this because again, I think it's so important for people to advocate for themselves and to know when they need to go in a different direction with a different provider. So I hope that the story, I know it was kind of a long story, but I hope that the story, if you have been in these situations before,

I hope that it helped you to feel less alone. And I'm always out here to talk with anyone who has been in similar situations. But yeah, medical trauma and medical misogyny are real. And we have to understand that, recognize it, and advocate for ourselves.

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (37:28)
Thank you for joining us for this episode of the podcast. This show is produced by Phoenix Freed LLC, and I'm your producer, Jen Ginty We hope you found today's conversation insightful and inspiring. If you have a story of your own about when a not yet moment became a right now, we encourage you to reach out and share it. You can find more information about being a guest on our show at whennotyetbecomesrightnow.com. Remember, you are not alone on your journey, whether it's a journey of healing,

growth or transformation. Every story matters. Thank you for listening and we'll catch you next time with another inspiring episode.