A Journey Through Betrayal Fuels a Passion for Helping Others with Vanessa Cardenas

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (00:00)
Welcome to When Not Yet Becomes Right Now, the podcast where we dive deep into the moments of transformation, the times when not yet shifts into right now and everything changes. I'm your host Jen Ginty, and this podcast is all about those pivotal moments in our life journeys. You know the ones when the hesitation fades, when we take that first step, even if it feels like a leap. It's in these moments that growth and healing begins.

Each episode will explore stories of resilience, moments of clarity, and the sparks that ignite real change, from personal experiences to expert insights. We'll uncover how people navigate the complex journey we call life and come out stronger on the other side. Whether you're searching for that spark in your own life or just curious about how change unfolds for others, you're in the right place. We'll discuss the ups and downs, the breakthroughs and setbacks, and how to embrace the right now, even when it feels out of reach.

because sometimes the hardest part of the journey is realizing that the moment you've been waiting for has already arrived. So take a deep breath, settle in, and let's get started.

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (01:09)
Hello and welcome to when not yet becomes right now. Today I have a great guest on her name is Vanessa Cardenas and she is a seasoned betrayal recovery specialist dedicated to empowering individuals to heal and thrive after betrayal. With a bachelor's degree in industrial psychology from Barak college, Vanessa has combined her academic background with a diverse range of certifications.

Vanessa's personal journey through betrayal has fueled her passion for guiding others towards recovery and personal growth. Her holistic approach blends professional expertise with personal experience, ensuring that her clients receive compassionate and effective support tailored to their unique needs. Vanessa's dedication to helping others reclaim their self-love and trust is reflected in her personalized coaching methods and her commitment

to fostering genuine transformation. Wow. Thank you so much for coming on Vanessa. I'm really excited for our conversation. It's going to be epic. That is all I can say. Yes. How we connected for those that can't see us is our hair. Yes. There was something about your fire engine red and just like, yes. Yes. She's my people.

That's it. Exactly. I see that like Flush of red in your hair and it's just like, yep, compadres. Yes, exactly. Exactly. See, I'm still in the C suite, so it's still a little radical. I would love to go all red like you are, but can't quite pull that off. Not just yet, but yeah, the hint of red. love it. perfect. Excellent. So let's get into it.

We spoke before and you have a very interesting story about how you became a psychologist and specifically through the corporate world. Well, I'm going to make a little bit of a clarification. Though I have a psychology degree, I am not a psychologist. It was interesting.

We're going to talk a little bit about generational trauma. If we could, can touch on that just a little bit. Yes. I am the first one in my family, yes, to graduate from college, to go to college. And I wore that badge of honor just right here on my chest. I wanted to make my grandparents who immigrated from this country in 1952 with nothing so proud until my freshman year.

of college when I sat down at the table with my grandfather to tell him all the wonderful liberal arts classes I was taking and he made a frown and he looked at me and he's like, what? And I said, yes, I'm taking art and literature and painting and drawing and expressive arts. I was so excited. I was beaming from cheek to cheek and I saw his disappointment and it just washed over me.

And he said, Vanessa, you're not going to go anywhere with that. I'm I'm no, no. And I just remember it so distinctly. And I walked in the next week until, you know, the guidance counselor's office. And I was like, okay, I need to change my major. And I went into a realm of business, something related to business. But I still had that in me of wanting to.

express myself. And I'm so grateful for the counselor that I spoke to there because she says, no, I understand that you want to please your family. I get that. I understand that. So maybe you'd like to actually get into psychology. I was like, that's kind of interesting. Tell me more about it and whatnot. Well, it's the study of people at work. So you're satisfying your family wanting you to get into business, but you're also

sort of working on this creative side because you get to mold and you get to work with and you get to mentor and you get to explore and that's what you like to do. You're an explorer underneath everything. And I was so grateful. And yes, I went into business, into the C-suite, I climbed my way up and there I was. And I winded up helping over 500 different employees in what I thought was going to be their professional career.

But it turned out a lot of them came to me with their relationship problems. Not their relationship problems with their managers. Yeah, they did that too. But with their spouses, their girlfriends, with their boyfriends. And I found myself in that realm, which was very, very interesting. Until. And there's always an until. course there is. That's exactly when it's, you know, not yet, but it's right now type of thing.

yeah, my husband of over 20 years, we had known each other for 30 years and we went walking through central park. I got to play hooky for the day from work. I was so excited. It was a beautiful day in spring and the trees and the people and everything. And everybody was just enjoying the moment as was I. And my husband sat me down on a park bench. He says, Vanessa, Vanessa.

And I look towards him because of course I'm people watching, I'm so distracted by what's going on around me. There's something I need to tell you. And I turn to look at him and he says, I've met someone.

And my whole world shattered in an instant. yeah, no, it was gut wrenching. I was completely blindsided by it and I raged. I raged. It opened up something in me that I didn't even know I had. And it wasn't until months later, months and months later, because again, I was a smart woman. I was helping.

others in their relationships, not to the extent of this, but just general things in relationships, communication, things of that sort, things that you could apply business relationships to intimate relationships and very superficial level stuff. But I thought I could fix him and I thought I could fix me. had a psychology degree,

Yeah, it wasn't until I actually asked for help that I finally relented and begged and pleaded, you know, I need help. And that's when I realized that the reason that this particular betrayal, which was catastrophic in and of itself, hit me so hard was because I had had micro betrayals throughout my whole life that I never recognized.

I never processed them and I just allowed them to stack on top of each other. That's so interesting that you say micro betrayals. don't think we really look back on our lives and be like, okay, so this is what that felt like. And that actually was this, this betrayal that I just didn't even recognize. Right. Not processing it. And for me, I had a double whammy because my grandparents went through the war.

So everything was a comparison to that. So when I came home from the third grade, because my best friend who I had had since kindergarten, Mary Jane, declared to me that she was no longer my friend, that she was going to be friends with Stacey. And I came home in tears to tell my grandmother that, you know, Mary Jane's not going to be my friend anymore. she dismissed it and said, you'll have other friends, you know.

Don't worry about it. I lost friends in the war. So that was the yardstick by which every single thing that happened in my life was compared to and invalidated. So I never worked through all those little micro betrayals that just earthworm their way into me. And then we had this catastrophic one and all it did was resurface all of the

small micro ones as well. And I was a mess. It was truly a mess. Of course. Yes. And you know, I really, you know, I understand that generational trauma thing where, know, it's forced upon you. No, no, you have to do something different because of us and not for yourself. I mean, when I went to college, I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to do creative writing. And my mother said, I won't help you at all unless you do something that will get you a job.

She believed that working a nine to five job was the only thing that you could do, right? And she to this day still believes that. And she doesn't even know that I'm an entrepreneur really, because she always would say when I tell her that, you're not gonna make any money off of that. Don't waste your time. So I understand that breaking away. And did you find yourself not telling your grandparents?

a lot of things. yeah, I kept a lot of things hidden. yeah, absolutely. Because I knew I could hear the answer. My inner critic was their voices. I could just hear it. And don't misunderstand me. I loved my grandparents and I understood the sacrifice that they made. I get it. I totally get it. But at the same time, they completely invalidated everything that I was feeling. Any

type of hardship, they didn't allow me to process it so that I could process them. They taught me how to bury them. And I get that too, because they buried a lot of the horrors that they experienced. But every now and again, they would use it as a comparison. They would use it as a yardstick by which to compare what I was going through to what they went through. So therefore, wasn't mine was insignificant. Right, right.

And yeah, as you get older, because we don't know what we don't know. It's just that that's what it is. We don't know. But as we get older and we get wiser and we have more knowledge, it really opens our eyes to things. And then we realize the things that we say to our children. And we need to be careful with that as well, because we are unknowingly, because we don't know any better.

invalidating their feelings. Absolutely. We're just continuing the cycle over and over and over again where we need to break that and accept someone else's feelings. We can't change someone else's feelings. I feel I felt I'm feeling nobody can argue with that. They truly can't know all feelings are valid and need to be validated.

And you know, the generation before us and even our generation have not learned that we're told not to be an angry child and don't upset grandma with your sadness. Right. So it's it's difficult, I think, for us to be able to move forward with our own children. We have to be cognizant at all times. What are we doing to help our children to grow emotionally and be an emotionally intelligent adult in the end?

Exactly, exactly. And unfortunately, our children have something that we didn't have. cell phones. There. Yeah, I it's such this whole social media and designed for us to, you know, have an expanded community. But is it really a community? I mean, when you really think about it, it's so

filtered and there's so much, people are warriors with their thumbs and they feel that they can just fire off anything and they can say anything and they don't have a filter. It's, it's, it's, it's two sides of the same coin. There's a filter with how they look and where the, the location that they're in and how they present themselves and that's whole AI and

and lighting and everything else. But then they don't have a filter on what they put out there in terms of their words, in terms of their language and how they immediately fire off. I mean, we have terms now that we didn't have when we grew up. Cancel culture? Really?

I wish that they could go back to when everything was, our own understanding of things. And, there wasn't a camera in front of us constantly. We got away with a lot of stuff. I'll say that. I don't mind that, that I didn't, you know, have a camera constantly around me videoing what I was doing. So I feel like they have, you know, they have a crutch, like they have this thing that is going to

get them in trouble at times. And. I don't know, it's just not it. I don't I don't feel comfortable with having my child constantly on video or videoing others. Getting Back to the micro portrayals. I'd love to hear more about what you how you feel that, those have affected you.

It took me a long time to recognize them. I had to excavate them from me and pull them out kind of one by one. were like little glass splinters all over me that the skin had just gone over and now they were poking their way out. They were like, okay, it's time for us to leave. And one by one with a pair of tweezers, pull it out and say, okay, what was this about? What did I actually feel?

And how did I feel? And now I see it with a different prism. And it's like a kaleidoscope. You turn it just one degree and you see it very differently. So, you know, I started to see all the things throughout my life and I really tried to see it from the other person's perspective. Cause when we can step into somebody else's shoes and try to rationalize why they did what they did, it's a little helpful.

Because I can tell you this, most of the time, it really had nothing to do with you. Though it was something terrible that happened to you, because you took it so personally, and I took it very personally, it really wasn't about me. It was about them. And you really recognize that when you bump into somebody that you haven't seen in, you know, 10, 15, 20, 25 years, and they say something to you.

And you have no recollection of it whatsoever. But they've been holding on to it for all these years, whether that's something that you did that you weren't even aware that you did or something that they did to you that they suddenly realize, yeah, I should really. I know I don't feel good about that. Yeah. And it's growth. That's what it is. It's truly growth.

And we get to a certain point where we need to step out of our hurt and step into our growth. And that's maturity too. Very much so. And some of us mature a lot later in life.

than others and not for nothing. think that once we hit that 18, 21, 24 mark, we're adulting because we pay rent and we pay bills. We're adulting. yeah. When we get something that really hits us right between the eyes and not only that situation, again, my husband's betrayal was the catastrophic. was the catalyst that just broke open Pandora's box for everything else.

I'm going to say something and usually when I say it to audiences

It's a little bit of a moment. So I want to make sure that your audience is ready for it. Okay. Because it's powerful.

I'm grateful for the betrayal.

And why is that? Because it was the necessary shove, it was the necessary push that I needed, that I didn't realize that I needed to get rid of everything else. And what I mean by that is I had become everything to everyone. I was addicted to certainty. I thought for sure that if I did everything right,

that I would be inoculated from anything terrible happening to me. And here I was in Central Park on a park bench with my husband, who I adored, loved for over 30 years, telling me he's met someone. And I just, it was devastating. It was absolutely devastating. But looking back in hindsight, because that's all we can do, it's what I needed, because I needed

to completely fall apart so that I could rebuild and I could step into who I was meant to be rather than being what I thought everybody else wanted me to be. I dressed a certain way for the office. I had my hair a certain way for the office. Then I come home and then I be mommy and the apron and being PTA mom and all these various labels. I lost myself.

in all of that. was no longer Vanessa. I was, you know, my husband's wife and my employer's, you know, employee. I, you know, had a number and all. I lost sight of me and who I was. I didn't even know who I was. And that was scary. Like who am I when you take away all these layers and all these expectations from everybody else?

And you're standing there in essence, naked, raw, vulnerable. Who are you? Yeah. that, that feeling of needing to be perfect for everyone in every way and not giving yourself the moments that you need to get yourself together even.

I, for so long, I pushed off the trauma that I had because I felt I needed to be someone for everyone else. And, by the end of, the road, it was my brain telling me, no, no, you've got to do this for yourself now. And, you know, we'll just add it in here. Like a part of me was like, we'll just add it in here that you're not just doing it for yourself. You're doing it for your loved ones. You're doing it for your family.

So that little part of me that was like, no, I can't be anything else but what others need me to be, that one part was like, OK, I am doing this for other people. And gave me the chance, really, to then finally believe it fully. And like you said, that betrayal really pushed you towards being there for yourself. And I think that's, you

lot of people don't like to say that, my trauma really made me this, stronger person, like I think a lot of people say trauma, doesn't make you better. And I'm not saying that it just makes you the person that you become later in life that you can mold. Correct. And I'm going to say and better because you

You fall in love with yourself all over again. You trust yourself all over again. You listen to yourself. You listen to your gut. You listen to your intuition. And most importantly, and it's the most important thing, is you forgive yourself. And that's huge. That is absolutely huge to forgive yourself for everything that's going on in your life.

whether it's little micro things or bigger things, but you learn to forgive yourself.

And that, I love who I am now. I love who I am now. I love what I do. I love the fact that I have people come through my office and pour their heart out and just look for someone who understands, who understands what they've been going through and why they feel the way they do. given permission to feel,

because we're losing, we're losing touch, we're losing the ability to be able to honor, I feel, I felt, I'm feeling, and label those feelings and honor them, step into them, step through them, and move past them so that you can be what you wanna be, to live your life by your own design, with purpose and on purpose.

That's how I live my life now and I'm so grateful because I know had that experience not happened, I would still be the way I was then. And not that there was anything wrong with the way I was then, but I wasn't living to my full potential. I was stuck and I didn't even realize I was stuck. I didn't realize that I was actually in quicksand.

and that I was just fighting against the current not to drown anymore, but I was always there. And I didn't realize it until I was completely broken. Sometimes it's that end of the roller coaster, the bottom of it that, you know, you're then able to climb up to the top of it again, you know, with work. And I love what you say. I feel, I felt, I'm feeling. it's a great mantra.

Absolutely. Especially for people who shut off their emotions because that's the way they've learned to. They've learned that they aren't supposed to show emotions. They're not supposed to feel emotions. And having that mantra is just beautiful, especially for someone who's working through their traumas, their memories, that kind of thing that they can step back and say, I felt that.

I'm feeling this. feel it's perfect. I'm going to be using it. I'm stealing it from you. Just every once in a while ago, know, Vanessa said I had this amazing guest on my podcast and she said this and yeah, I've used it ever since. Absolutely. By all means, because if it helps just one person.

Because that's sometimes all we need. We need to hear something from someone at any given moment in time. We all had that experience where a complete stranger or somebody in the elevator or you heard it on a podcast or you heard it on television, they say a line and you're just thunderstruck. Wow, I like that. Yes, I, ooh, that hit me right here. I'm

feeling that. yes, yes. mean, I just had it the other day. I use the word pause all the time. I'm always advocating to clients and in my support groups and everyone else. Pause, like take a moment, pause. And I heard someone brilliant say pause, postpone action until sanity emerges.

And I was like, my gosh, that's brilliant. I love it. That is brilliant. I love it. Applause. Yes. You know, and it's, those types of things, things that we say all the time can take on a completely different meaning based on the way it was said, how we were feeling when it was said and how it hit us right in our heart. And that's the biggest thing is our heart because we really start

to bob wire it. We put it into a shell where we want to protect it. And yes, we do protect our heart, but we also don't allow our heart to beat. To come forward, to give and to give generously. And it's okay. It's okay. Yes. I feel for me, I needed to heal out loud. I needed to heal here, you know, out in public.

Because for a long time, I kept the betrayal very close to the chest. I mean, it was only my husband, myself, and our children who knew. My mother-in-law didn't know for almost three years. Wow. And it wasn't until here I am, first of all, she noticed that I chopped off my hair because that's the first thing that we tend to do when we go through trauma is because we feel so

out of control and we want to control something we can control our hair. I just grabbed a hold of it because it was halfway down my back. I grabbed a hold of it, pulled it to one side and took a pair of scissors and suddenly was holding a whole chunk of hair in my hand because I wanted to control something because I felt so out of control. Yes, I that that really resonates with me so much is that.

that feeling of being out of control and a lot of people with trauma, there's that fear that if you're not in control of everything around you, you're in danger, And taking that step to cut off your hair, to be in control of that, must've felt so liberating. It did. It absolutely did. And that was the first, you know, that's the first one. Cause when you go through a heavy duty betrayal with an intimate partner, usually what they tell you isn't,

all of it. So you have other what I refer to as it's trickle truth. You get it in little bite sized pieces, which I do have to say I'm grateful for as well because I think had it all avalanched on me, I'm not sure how I would have handled it. I mean, I didn't handle it well to begin with, but I think had I known everything upfront,

and right in my face, it would have been way too much for me to handle. So I had some trickle truth, but every time I got one more piece of information, I did something else to my hair. So it was that type of reaction to it because I wasn't responding. Now I know how to respond. But when you're going through it and you just, again, as you mentioned, feel so out of control, you react to every.

Yeah, because it's so raw. what would you tell someone who is fresh off of a betrayal like that? Right at the very beginning, like you just found out like two, three days ago.

There's a couple of different things. First off, did you find out because they told you or they don't know that you know? That's always something where, yeah, it's handled a little bit differently because when you know something as catastrophic as this and you keep it to yourself initially, that's what I refer to as the gathering stage, your gathering evidence.

Yes, you discovered a text message and you want to dig deeper and you want to sleuth and you want to see what more there is. So you tend to keep quiet about it. You don't want to tip off your partner that you're aware of something going on. If your partner has come forth and told you. It's really causing it's really taking a breath. It's really taking a step back and really coming into a place of.

Curiosity and the curiosity is really tough. This is a really tough thing to do but to find out what We're going to do moving forward. What is the intention? What what is the reasoning behind? The betrayal. What are you trying to tell me? This is all really difficult. I didn't do any of this I only learned it after the fact and I was like, wow, that would have been really helpful. It happens. me that

It happens that way all the time, doesn't it? I just rage and stuff. But if you can keep your composure, and this one's tough, if you can keep your composure and stay curious, you can find out a lot more information because your partner will not feel attacked and will get more of it out so that you can find out information. In my particular case,

Because I raged, my husband turtled for months because I wouldn't let him get a word in edgewise He wouldn't be able to tell me what he was thinking because I thought for him. I would put words into his mouth. I would put thoughts into his head. I would think for him. And yeah, that was all wrong. It was all completely wrong because I didn't give him an opportunity.

to express himself and when he tried to, I would weaponize everything he said. That became very much a challenge. we have that. Another thing that I really strongly suggest is that for women, they get tested. I know, I know that that can be very embarrassing to walk into your GYN's office and say, hi, I need an STD screening. I will tell you this.

They are used to it. Regrettably, they are used to it. One of the most difficult conversations that a GYN has to have with a patient relates to STDs. It just does because they will walk into after an examination, after a test results and say, Mrs. Smith, you have an STD. that's not my chart. No, this is denial. Denial, exactly. and then.

Wait a second, I've been faithful. I've been faithful. What are you talking about? They take it on themselves. Like you're accusing them of cheating. No, no, Mrs. Smith, I'm not accusing you of that. And then it dawns on them. They suddenly, it like just hits them like a Mack truck. my gosh. So not only has there been cheating involved, there's been physicality to it as well. There's a physical cheating.

because there is emotional cheating and there is micro Cheating as well. And there's cyber cheating. There's all these different forms of cheating that can go on. But once you have an STD, that's a physical, there has been bodily fluids exchanged and that takes on a whole different meaning. So I really encourage those that discover cheating in their relationship to get tested because your health is extremely important.

Don't rely on them saying, I never touched her or this or that. For your own peace of mind, get tested. And again, your doctor is so used to this, regrettably so used to it. The third thing I want to suggest is you're going to have what I refer to as betrayal amnesia. You are going to forget details. You just are, because it's going to get to the point

where you're just not hearing anything. It's like the peanuts character, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. You're not hearing anything because the flood coming in is too intense. So I really strongly encourage you to write things down. Write notes down. Came home an hour late. Whatever it is, whatever you want to jot down, but jot it down because if you try to remember

and you accuse him of something. Well, on Tuesday night, you came home late. And he's like, no, I didn't. I was here. We watched X, Y, and Z on TV. And you're like, yeah, okay. Well, guess it wasn't Tuesday. Maybe it was Monday. Maybe it was Wednesday. Maybe it was Sunday. Maybe it was the week before. And if you get all tongue tied and confused, then you will feel out of control. So back to control, break things down, make a log.

have that for you, regardless of whether you stay or leave the relationship, you're going to want to have that because again, you're going to go through this amnesia phase where you just don't remember anything because all you're remembering or all you're envisioning is him with someone else. Yeah. that really makes sense because that it can also, come back and help you in case of gaslighting. I can see

being completely gaslit by your partner who's been betraying you and now is trying to make you feel crazy and get what they need out of you in the end. that can go with divorce cases, with children, parental rights, If you get gaslit about these type of situations, just the little ones, like you say, he came two hours late. You are giving yourself a map.

Right? And that's really important. I'm so glad you talked about that. Exactly. Exactly. And then you have to be gentle with yourself. This is going to be a long road. It's not like you can put a variety of figures and answers into a Google worksheet and it spits out and tells you, in 87 days, you'll be healed. It doesn't work that way. And what I can strongly suggest

is that you work through it all. You do, because even if they become an X, you don't want the problems of the X spilling out onto the next. You don't wanna repeat the patterns. And repeating the patterns usually happens when you haven't worked through your stuff. You gotta work through it. And I know it's hard. It's absolutely hard. It is, cause you're a

Facing all of these things that just make you feel awful and all we want to do is feel better I can tell you this when you start working through those things and you have that sense of liberation There's no better feeling than that when you step into who you are. You look in the mirror and you don't find a single flaw. You're like, wow, you're perfect. Yes

You're perfect in your own skin and you're beautiful in your own skin. It makes no difference your size, your age, nothing of it matters because the most beautiful, beautiful quality to have in my book is confidence. Not arrogance, confidence, where you walk into a room and you know, here I am, here I am. And I can engage in a conversation, I can look you in the eye.

I don't have to be filtered or anything else. This is me. This is me. Take it or leave it. And it's okay. It's okay if you leave it. I'm not for everybody. You know, I have clients that walk into the office and they look at me and they're like, you have pink in your hair. And I'm like, yeah, I do. I'm not gonna tell you what you want to hear. I'm gonna tell you what you need to hear. And you need to be ready for it. I'm out of New York. You know, I've got grits. I've got common sense. I'm gonna tell you like it is.

You might not want to hear that. And that's okay. That's absolutely okay. Some people are not ready for the truth. They rather hide for a while. I encourage them step out, step out, because it's glorious over here. Once you live your life by your own design with purpose on purpose, there's nothing better. There truly isn't. I agree with you. I mean, I went through my own, after a divorce and not feeling confident and

One of the things that I've always done since I was a child was be a caregiver. And my ex-husband grew very, very comfortable with me being the caregiver until I had to take care of my sons. And that's where everything kind of blew up. But the relationships that I had after that, I fell into the same role. Caregiver. And no matter what a

potential boyfriend would say to me, I'm here to take care of you. It always turned back to that. Take care of me. I want you to take care of me to the point where exhaustion comes in for that person. Right. I was completely exhausted and I knew and I knew I couldn't go into that dating scene again until I really worked on having the confidence to say, no, I deserve something too.

Yes. And it's really, it's very challenging when your self-worth and your self-esteem is so shattered and you have that very first date afterwards. And I've counseled a lot of people through that first date or actually through the second date, if they even get a second date, because they usually come to me after the first date was disastrous. And they're like, okay, what did I do wrong? And I'm like, well, first off, you can't vomit all over them.

You can't just get it all out onto them. You've overwhelmed them and they're like, yeah, okay. You know, I got to back off kind of thing. And we take that rejection so hard. And I'm going to invite your audience to think of it a little differently. What if, what if that rejection

is a higher power's protection. They're protecting you from something that you're not ready for. And again, if you're bringing in the patterns of your previous relationships into this new relationship, hate to tell you, it's almost doomed right from the start. And it doesn't need to be that way. It doesn't. You can absolutely step into who you are meant to be.

And when you do that, I'm telling you, the confidence that you, it radiates off of you, it's so attractive. It truly is. It is, you can see it. You know it when you go into any kind of location, you know who's arrogant, you know who's confident, and you know who's very, very nervous. Because we all wear our emotions out of our bodies. We do.

We like to, but we do. And it's okay because your feelings are valid. They are. And all of us, all of us just want to be seen and heard and understood.

It's interesting. I realized I was better able to step into that when I learned to be able to be alone. Right. That was really the kicker for it. was like, wow, I can be alone and I can grow and I can find the things that I love and do them. And, you know, even funny enough, don't have to sleep next to someone who's snoring, just learning to be my own person.

And I think it made a world of difference. And it made a world of difference to your children. It does. It does because believe it or not, they feed off of you. They do. They feel what you're feeling. They might not be able to put it to words, but we all remember we know that disapproving look that we got from our parent. We knew when they were sad. We knew when they were suffering.

Now, and we would try to cheer them up, know, initially we would try to cheer them up and then we learned to leave them alone. So we learned that when somebody is feeling something, let them be like, but that's lonely. And we're not, you and I aren't talking about lonely. We're talking about solitude and solitude is, my gosh, it's so much fun. It absolutely is.

We get to listen to the music we want. get to read what we want. We get to sip on whatever we want to sip on. And we enjoy our own company.

Yeah, it's fantastic. I truly enjoy it. And I love to go out with my friends and, and hey, if I met someone, I think now I would be ready for that because of this ability to come home and feel comfortable with just myself. Exactly. Exactly. It's so glorious. It truly, truly is. So Vanessa, tell us where we can find you.

You can find me online. I'm on pretty much all of the socials and I'm sure that will be in the show notes. My URL, which I'm ridiculously proud of and I'll share the story behind it is understandingear.com. And I thought for sure I'd have to wrestle it away from someone because it comes from a Stephen King quote. And his quote is very long and I condensed it for my purposes, of course, but.

The most important things to say are the hardest things to say. They're locked within, not for the want of a teller, but for the want of an understanding ear.

Yes. exactly. UnderstandingEar.com. That is fabulous. Thank you. That's like a fantastic URL to have. I love it. And I didn't have to wrestle it away from anybody. was like, when I was asked, you know, what URL, you know, do you want your name? Which of course I have as well, but it doesn't resonate for me. UnderstandingEar. yes. That's exactly what I have. I understand what you're going through.

when you talk about betrayal, because I've been there. It's very different than having somebody who textbook, you know, reads through a textbook and says, you're feeling this way, or you're feeling that way because they haven't experienced it. Then somebody who has experienced it and has gone through various certifications to make sure that you're not betrayed again. And that's what I hear a lot, is that a lot of people that are hurting

invest their time, energy and effort in someone only to realize that it doesn't feel right. It feels icky and they don't recognize that they can leave and move on to someone else. It's not a one and done thing. You need help. And when you need help and you admit that you need help, that's half the battle. Then you need to find someone. And there's so many, there are.

and everybody has a different technique in a way that they operate. And you have to find the one that resonates with you, that hits you right in the heart and the head. And you're like, you know what? Yeah, yeah, I can do this with this person. And don't feel that it has to be an anchor where, mm, yeah, this doesn't feel right, but I think I'm supposed to do this. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want that for you.

And again, I've had clients come in and they're just like, yeah, no, you're not quite right for me. No problem. But I want you to get the help that you need. So I can refer you to, you know, 12 different other people that operate in this space. Cause that's what you need. You need somebody that's familiar with it. You wouldn't go to a general practitioner for a broken arm. You need to go to an orthopedist for that. It's the same thing here. You really want to drill down.

where you're at, what you need, and get the help that you need. And there's no shame in it. Please don't think that there's any shame in it. Because as I mentioned, you might have micro-betrayals from your childhood that just need to be cleaned up. And it's not digging and really like, it's just pulling out the weeds, not allowing them to grow, not watering them, not putting light on them so that they grow. It's grabbing a hold of them and going, okay, here it is, let's yank it out of you.

Yeah, I've told many people before, if you have one therapist that you just don't feel right with, there are so many others out there and they're not going to be upset about it. they're not going to be angry with you because you don't click with them. They want you to get the help. And that's exactly what you're saying. And it's it's beautiful. It really is. So.

Thank you so much, Vanessa, for this. You have given so much amazing knowledge and help out there to people. I think we talk a lot about it being women, but people in general who need the support and to learn to live their best lives. Yes. Thank you. Thank you.

When Not Yet Becomes Right Now (49:28)
I really enjoyed this episode with Vanessa. She has so much knowledge and sage wisdom for us. We don't even realize that we have these little micro-betrayals in our past that may very well impact our way of living and trusting. So she gave us such amazing information and even a step-by-step on how to

hope and get the most out of what you can do for yourself if you have a difficult betrayal, a major betrayal in your life. So I hope that you've received some great information for yourself and I thank you for listening.